1. You no longer feel compelled to talk about your ex.
Until you have resolved those issues and laid your previous marriage to rest, attempts to turn the other party into a therapist will per se make it a "transitional relationship."
Don't deliver one, and don't agree to be in one. We often wish there were someone to be with while we go through the grieving and healing process. If we're healthy, however, we
don't involve others in this madness (unless we're paying them by the hour to listen). If the other person colludes with you in this, they're not serious either. When you're ready to date, you're fully present and emotionally available to the new person.
2. You are willing to exercise restraint in the physical arena, waiting until you know the person well and know their intentions.
There are many good reasons to postpone sex. Among them: (1) It escalates feelings exponentially (especially for women); (2) It releases chemicals that fog the brain and you need to be paying attention; (3) Those chemicals are designed to cause a strong emotional bond and do you know who you're bonding with yet? (4) Powerful as it is, it can become the focus of all encounters and is a natural arena to play things out in. If there's no relationship around it, you'll
end up arguing about sex instead of what's really bugging you and that's just not fun; and (6) Most of us want faithful partners for marriage. Even if you're coming off 2 years of celibacy, it's hard to convince them you aren't hopping into bed (and therefore likely to continue to hop
into bed) with just anyone, when you just did it with them. Many a good man or woman's been lost over this point, as it's very rarely redeemable.
3. You are appropriately restrained in disclosures.
When you're healing, and looking for sympathy, you like to tell all the bad stuff early on. It's a sign of ambivalence, as it's likely to drive the other person away, and/or attract unhealthy people who are also living in the past. When you're ready to date, you put your best foot forward
and parcel out the downside data slowly, over time and on a need-to-know basis.
4. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines.
And the operative terms here are ladies and gentlemen. Being ready to date for marriage means you're willing to act like a lady or gentleman. You're considerate, use good manners, and behave yourself. If you're the guy, you don't call her at 8 p.m. to come over for a booty call, you call on Weds. for a Saturday night date which involves seeing something besides naked flesh and the top of the ceiling. If you're the woman, you don't unconsciously dare him to stay by showing up with no makeup, frumpy slacks and a stained t-shirt. You dress for the occasion; he deserves your best!
5. You slowly and judiciously introduce family and friends.
In order to bond, you have to get to know each other first, and where kids are involved, you want to know who you're dealing with, so save it. Sometimes we include friends in order to get their opinion, and cling to family as a cushion so we can pretend we're not really dating. When you're ready to date, you go it alone.
6. The focus (or your savior) and/or continually taking the
temperature of the relationship.
Typically after a divorce, you go through an identity crisis. Talking continually about your needs and how you're feeling, and constantly monitoring the relationship is inappropriate. Your date hasn't made any commitment to your needs, and how would either one of you know how the
relationship is going unless you let it. It's too soon to know! When you're ready to date, you concentrate on what you're doing, not how you're doing.
7. You don't check in with your therapist after every date.
Thanks heavens for therapy when we need it, but marriage isn't going to be a triad of you, them, and Dr. Shrink. When you're ready to date, you're confident enough of who you are, and of your relationship skills to just carry on and get in there and make your mistakes like the rest of us.
8. You may use a coach.
Coaching is for going forward, not reviewing the past. A coach can gives you tips and help you stick to the path that will get you where you're going and, yes, give you someone to laugh with as you go through the numbers on your way to the big win.
9. You don't have conflict around dependence.
A healthy relationship involves interdependence. After a divorce, you may be ambivalent, tossing between independence and codependence, fearful of both. This makes it difficult for someone to bond with you, yes? When you're ready to date, you're again interested in a healthy bonding, neither asking them to marry you on the second date (codependence) nor being impossible and fighting them every time they come close (independence).
10. You don't want it too much.
Overdriven strivings it's called-- wanting something too much, or fighting it too much. If you have an overdriven striving to "get a man" for instance -- a warm body to marry -- you'll end up driving it away. It's the attraction principle. When you're ready to marry again, you d-a-t-e.
This means you choose suitable prospective partners and then devote the time and energy to go through the steps necessary to discover the potential in the relationship. Your attitude is that if it works out, that's great. If not, you don't try to get blood out of a turnip, nor do you consider it a
failure. You met someone nice, you had good times although it didn't work for marriage, and you both part amicably and get on with your lives.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your success in dating, relationships,work, transitions, midlife. I train and certify EQ coaches
internationally. Email for info on this fast, affordable,no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.
http://www.online-dating-review.com/date_for_marriage.htm
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Making A Love Connection, Online Dating
Looking to spice up your life a little, add some romance find that love connection? Well, caution: fees can be sky high. For example, AARP Magazine reported that a company called Gentlepeople charges from $15,000 to $50,000 to hook up you up with the right person. And FOX News reported that professional matchmakers across the country are charging up to $15,000 to pair people up. Instead of paying so much money, try starting here and see how you do with some of these tips.
ONLINE DATING – Seek out a reputable online dating service. Begin by asking friends, co-workers and other you may know who have tried online dating, and see which places they recommend. Also, head to your favorite search engine and type in “online dating services” to see which ones come up. Start a journal or notebook and log your progress. Write out the URLs or website links and do some research: list fees, rules and regulations, complete contact information of the site and any other useful information that you run across. Then begin slow. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and STOP.
COMMUNICATION – Go slow and don’t try to share every tidbit of information about yourself over night. Keep away from subjects that you don’t agree upon. When communicating via email and other electronic means (chat rooms, forums, etc.) don’t use all upper case letters (that’s called “shouting”), slang or your personal address for safety. Do use a firewall and anti-virus software to keep your computer safe, too. Key in “online safety tips” and check out online lists for updated safety tips once a month to make sure you’re up to date.
Free Firewall Download: ZoneAlarm http://www.zonelabs.com
Free Anti-Virus Download: AVG Anti-Virus http://www.grisoft.com
(no affiliations)
FRIENDSHIP – As your friendship grows, check to see if you are not only getting along pretty well together, but also handling conflicts well together. If you miss a chat time, for instance, is that it? Are you in the doghouse for a week? And gradually decide if you should meet in person. If so, make sure it’s a safe place out in public and that you are both legal adults.
LOVE GOALS – Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a sense of direction. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common good.
So before you fork out thousands of dollars looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, reach out and try to help yourself first. Go slow and steady, and use caution. Once you find your own love connection, you could set up your own matchmaker website!
About The Author: This article courtesy of
http://www.date-a-christian.net
http://www.online-dating-review.com/love_connection.htm
ONLINE DATING – Seek out a reputable online dating service. Begin by asking friends, co-workers and other you may know who have tried online dating, and see which places they recommend. Also, head to your favorite search engine and type in “online dating services” to see which ones come up. Start a journal or notebook and log your progress. Write out the URLs or website links and do some research: list fees, rules and regulations, complete contact information of the site and any other useful information that you run across. Then begin slow. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and STOP.
COMMUNICATION – Go slow and don’t try to share every tidbit of information about yourself over night. Keep away from subjects that you don’t agree upon. When communicating via email and other electronic means (chat rooms, forums, etc.) don’t use all upper case letters (that’s called “shouting”), slang or your personal address for safety. Do use a firewall and anti-virus software to keep your computer safe, too. Key in “online safety tips” and check out online lists for updated safety tips once a month to make sure you’re up to date.
Free Firewall Download: ZoneAlarm http://www.zonelabs.com
Free Anti-Virus Download: AVG Anti-Virus http://www.grisoft.com
(no affiliations)
FRIENDSHIP – As your friendship grows, check to see if you are not only getting along pretty well together, but also handling conflicts well together. If you miss a chat time, for instance, is that it? Are you in the doghouse for a week? And gradually decide if you should meet in person. If so, make sure it’s a safe place out in public and that you are both legal adults.
LOVE GOALS – Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a sense of direction. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common good.
So before you fork out thousands of dollars looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, reach out and try to help yourself first. Go slow and steady, and use caution. Once you find your own love connection, you could set up your own matchmaker website!
About The Author: This article courtesy of
http://www.date-a-christian.net
http://www.online-dating-review.com/love_connection.htm
Here you are. You just have had another failed relationship, wondering do I want to put myself back out there to and try to meet someone just to be disappointed again. How can you take a different approach this time? How can you increase your chances when you do meet someone you are interested in? How do you avoid dishonest people in your search? These are the questions I asked myself when I was single and I was looking for my life partner. If you follow the steps outlined below, you will get better results in finding your great lifelong relationship!
Step 1: You need to know yourself and your life goals
A client of mine is a divorced and is having a difficult time getting back in the dating game. He really missed having a steady relationship and didn’t feel very confident about getting out there to date. He took a shotgun approach on the internet and met a woman who came from a different cultural background, including a different religion. He was happy at first to meet someone who was interested in him. As time went on, apparent differences started to appear. Yet, he did care for this woman.
We worked to clarify his values as well as his goals for his life. How did he picture his life in the future as a married individual? First he wanted a family and one that honored his faith. He realized this would be a big stumbling block with the different cultures and religion. He also valued being prudent with his finances and realized his girlfriend had higher expectations than he could afford. All in all their values were in conflict as well as how they wanted to live their life in the future.
What if he knew this information before going into the relationship? Perhaps he would have not ventured to date this woman and save himself the heartache. Now he has to
start the dating and selecting process all over again. However, he will select someone more congruent with his values and lifestyle goals next time that will give him a better chance to have success.
Step 2: You need to know what you need in a relationship?
What must you have in a relationship to make you happy? Do you know? Do you crave romance, physical affection, a significant amount time with your partner? Do you need someone who is financially stable?
I know a women, Donna, who became smitten with my friend, Roy*, and visa versa. They dated for at least 3 months and seemed happy. However, she lived in Virginia with young children and he lived in Maryland (40 minutes away) and had his own child. Neither would be able to move because of the children. In addition, Roy had started a new career that involved commission sales and was not yet financially secure. Donna broke up with Roy because he didn’t earn enough income for Donna. What a tragedy! Roy was heartbroken.
Just imagine that Donna and Roy knew that the distance would be difficult in this situation and Donna knew her financial needs from a partner. They would have not invested their time and emotion in this relationship and would have sought relationships that meet their needs.
Just a hint, if you feel needy in a relationship, some key expression of love is missing for you.
Step 3: Do Take on the Tough Issues Early On
One of my clients was dating a man that she was falling in love with and was very much attached to. After two months, she discovered that he did not want anymore children than the two he had from his previous marriage. She desired to have a child of her own (a clear “must have”).
It was difficult, but she did decide to break up and try to find someone who had the same goal as she did. Time is critical for many women and learning this information quickly is very important.
What if she brought the subject up on the second or third date and said, “I’m looking to meet someone that I will eventually marry and want children of their own”? She would have found out right away that he choose not to have another child. You say, how can I say this? Won’t I scare the guy away? My philosophy is if the guy (or gal) gets scared and runs away, let him (or her)! Any serious contender will stick around.
Step 4: Don’t Get Too Physical Too Soon!
Time and time I see my clients get too physically involved in a relationship much too quickly and then regret how hooked in they became. They were in this quandary that they liked the physical relationship but did not see a future with the woman. And for women, there is a hormone released during sex that makes us feel attached to the
male.
Resist temptation! It’s so important to get to know a person and let the emotional, intellectual connection, and spiritual connection for some, grow first. This is a foundation of a great relationship. If there is physical attraction, that’s great. It’s not going anywhere.
Take at least 3 months to date and really get to know each other without s.ex. If there is a desire to take the relationship to the next stage, being exclusive with the desire move in a serious direction, at least you know that you have the same values, goals in life and want the same things. Besides, if the relationship turns out not to be
right, you will be able to walk away with respect and may be able to remain friends. This step alone will reduce the risk of failing in a relationship again.
Step 5: Make a Commitment to Be Honest in Your Relationships
In my dating questionnaire, I asked the question, “In dating and/or relationships, what makes you angry?” The overwhelming response is dishonesty. Yes, we can’t control how another behaves, but we can choose to be honest to another person. They will respect you for your honesty.
I recently had a client role-play how she would tell a guy that she was not interested in dating him. I asked her how she felt when she said to him,” I enjoyed meeting you. However, I do not feel that this is a good fit for me.” She said she felt empowered and felt good about herself for being honest and straightforward. I then asked her,” how are you honoring this person by being honest?” She replied,” I am showing them I respect them and not willing to waste their time so they can find someone more suited
for him.” Bingo!
How can you prevent someone from being dishonest with you? Go back to step #4! Take your time and get to know your potential partner. The people dating with integrity will respect you and want to take the time for them to get to know you, as well.
By following the steps above, you are ensuring a better dating experience the next time around. By being honest and straightforward with others, you will gain their respect and be someone they may recommend to a friend if it turns out they are not the one. All in all, it will be win-win situation.
* The names have been changed to honor confidentiality of my clients and friends.
Amy Schoen is a life coach who specializes in helping singles to discover what they need and want in relationships and how to find their desired romantic partner. For down to earth tips and helpful hints on dating and relationships, you can subscribe to her popular ezine or her tele-seminars at:
http://www.heartmindconnection.com
http://www.online-dating-review.com/dating_plan.htm
Step 1: You need to know yourself and your life goals
A client of mine is a divorced and is having a difficult time getting back in the dating game. He really missed having a steady relationship and didn’t feel very confident about getting out there to date. He took a shotgun approach on the internet and met a woman who came from a different cultural background, including a different religion. He was happy at first to meet someone who was interested in him. As time went on, apparent differences started to appear. Yet, he did care for this woman.
We worked to clarify his values as well as his goals for his life. How did he picture his life in the future as a married individual? First he wanted a family and one that honored his faith. He realized this would be a big stumbling block with the different cultures and religion. He also valued being prudent with his finances and realized his girlfriend had higher expectations than he could afford. All in all their values were in conflict as well as how they wanted to live their life in the future.
What if he knew this information before going into the relationship? Perhaps he would have not ventured to date this woman and save himself the heartache. Now he has to
start the dating and selecting process all over again. However, he will select someone more congruent with his values and lifestyle goals next time that will give him a better chance to have success.
Step 2: You need to know what you need in a relationship?
What must you have in a relationship to make you happy? Do you know? Do you crave romance, physical affection, a significant amount time with your partner? Do you need someone who is financially stable?
I know a women, Donna, who became smitten with my friend, Roy*, and visa versa. They dated for at least 3 months and seemed happy. However, she lived in Virginia with young children and he lived in Maryland (40 minutes away) and had his own child. Neither would be able to move because of the children. In addition, Roy had started a new career that involved commission sales and was not yet financially secure. Donna broke up with Roy because he didn’t earn enough income for Donna. What a tragedy! Roy was heartbroken.
Just imagine that Donna and Roy knew that the distance would be difficult in this situation and Donna knew her financial needs from a partner. They would have not invested their time and emotion in this relationship and would have sought relationships that meet their needs.
Just a hint, if you feel needy in a relationship, some key expression of love is missing for you.
Step 3: Do Take on the Tough Issues Early On
One of my clients was dating a man that she was falling in love with and was very much attached to. After two months, she discovered that he did not want anymore children than the two he had from his previous marriage. She desired to have a child of her own (a clear “must have”).
It was difficult, but she did decide to break up and try to find someone who had the same goal as she did. Time is critical for many women and learning this information quickly is very important.
What if she brought the subject up on the second or third date and said, “I’m looking to meet someone that I will eventually marry and want children of their own”? She would have found out right away that he choose not to have another child. You say, how can I say this? Won’t I scare the guy away? My philosophy is if the guy (or gal) gets scared and runs away, let him (or her)! Any serious contender will stick around.
Step 4: Don’t Get Too Physical Too Soon!
Time and time I see my clients get too physically involved in a relationship much too quickly and then regret how hooked in they became. They were in this quandary that they liked the physical relationship but did not see a future with the woman. And for women, there is a hormone released during sex that makes us feel attached to the
male.
Resist temptation! It’s so important to get to know a person and let the emotional, intellectual connection, and spiritual connection for some, grow first. This is a foundation of a great relationship. If there is physical attraction, that’s great. It’s not going anywhere.
Take at least 3 months to date and really get to know each other without s.ex. If there is a desire to take the relationship to the next stage, being exclusive with the desire move in a serious direction, at least you know that you have the same values, goals in life and want the same things. Besides, if the relationship turns out not to be
right, you will be able to walk away with respect and may be able to remain friends. This step alone will reduce the risk of failing in a relationship again.
Step 5: Make a Commitment to Be Honest in Your Relationships
In my dating questionnaire, I asked the question, “In dating and/or relationships, what makes you angry?” The overwhelming response is dishonesty. Yes, we can’t control how another behaves, but we can choose to be honest to another person. They will respect you for your honesty.
I recently had a client role-play how she would tell a guy that she was not interested in dating him. I asked her how she felt when she said to him,” I enjoyed meeting you. However, I do not feel that this is a good fit for me.” She said she felt empowered and felt good about herself for being honest and straightforward. I then asked her,” how are you honoring this person by being honest?” She replied,” I am showing them I respect them and not willing to waste their time so they can find someone more suited
for him.” Bingo!
How can you prevent someone from being dishonest with you? Go back to step #4! Take your time and get to know your potential partner. The people dating with integrity will respect you and want to take the time for them to get to know you, as well.
By following the steps above, you are ensuring a better dating experience the next time around. By being honest and straightforward with others, you will gain their respect and be someone they may recommend to a friend if it turns out they are not the one. All in all, it will be win-win situation.
* The names have been changed to honor confidentiality of my clients and friends.
Amy Schoen is a life coach who specializes in helping singles to discover what they need and want in relationships and how to find their desired romantic partner. For down to earth tips and helpful hints on dating and relationships, you can subscribe to her popular ezine or her tele-seminars at:
http://www.heartmindconnection.com
http://www.online-dating-review.com/dating_plan.htm
5 Steps to Dating with Integrity
Here you are. You just have had another failed relationship, wondering do I want to put myself back out there to and try to meet someone just to be disappointed again. How can you take a different approach this time? How can you increase your chances when you do meet someone you are interested in? How do you avoid dishonest people in your search? These are the questions I asked myself when I was single and I was looking for my life partner. If you follow the steps outlined below, you will get better results in finding your great lifelong relationship!
Step 1: You need to know yourself and your life goals
A client of mine is a divorced and is having a difficult time getting back in the dating game. He really missed having a steady relationship and didn’t feel very confident about getting out there to date. He took a shotgun approach on the internet and met a woman who came from a different cultural background, including a different religion. He was happy at first to meet someone who was interested in him. As time went on, apparent differences started to appear. Yet, he did care for this woman.
We worked to clarify his values as well as his goals for his life. How did he picture his life in the future as a married individual? First he wanted a family and one that honored his faith. He realized this would be a big stumbling block with the different cultures and religion. He also valued being prudent with his finances and realized his girlfriend had higher expectations than he could afford. All in all their values were in conflict as well as how they wanted to live their life in the future.
What if he knew this information before going into the relationship? Perhaps he would have not ventured to date this woman and save himself the heartache. Now he has to
start the dating and selecting process all over again. However, he will select someone more congruent with his values and lifestyle goals next time that will give him a better chance to have success.
Step 2: You need to know what you need in a relationship?
What must you have in a relationship to make you happy? Do you know? Do you crave romance, physical affection, a significant amount time with your partner? Do you need someone who is financially stable?
I know a women, Donna, who became smitten with my friend, Roy*, and visa versa. They dated for at least 3 months and seemed happy. However, she lived in Virginia with young children and he lived in Maryland (40 minutes away) and had his own child. Neither would be able to move because of the children. In addition, Roy had started a new career that involved commission sales and was not yet financially secure. Donna broke up with Roy because he didn’t earn enough income for Donna. What a tragedy! Roy was heartbroken.
Just imagine that Donna and Roy knew that the distance would be difficult in this situation and Donna knew her financial needs from a partner. They would have not invested their time and emotion in this relationship and would have sought relationships that meet their needs.
Just a hint, if you feel needy in a relationship, some key expression of love is missing for you.
Step 3: Do Take on the Tough Issues Early On
One of my clients was dating a man that she was falling in love with and was very much attached to. After two months, she discovered that he did not want anymore children than the two he had from his previous marriage. She desired to have a child of her own (a clear “must have”).
It was difficult, but she did decide to break up and try to find someone who had the same goal as she did. Time is critical for many women and learning this information quickly is very important.
What if she brought the subject up on the second or third date and said, “I’m looking to meet someone that I will eventually marry and want children of their own”? She would have found out right away that he choose not to have another child. You say, how can I say this? Won’t I scare the guy away? My philosophy is if the guy (or gal) gets scared and runs away, let him (or her)! Any serious contender will stick around.
Step 4: Don’t Get Too Physical Too Soon!
Time and time I see my clients get too physically involved in a relationship much too quickly and then regret how hooked in they became. They were in this quandary that they liked the physical relationship but did not see a future with the woman. And for women, there is a hormone released during sex that makes us feel attached to the
male.
Resist temptation! It’s so important to get to know a person and let the emotional, intellectual connection, and spiritual connection for some, grow first. This is a foundation of a great relationship. If there is physical attraction, that’s great. It’s not going anywhere.
Take at least 3 months to date and really get to know each other without s.ex. If there is a desire to take the relationship to the next stage, being exclusive with the desire move in a serious direction, at least you know that you have the same values, goals in life and want the same things. Besides, if the relationship turns out not to be
right, you will be able to walk away with respect and may be able to remain friends. This step alone will reduce the risk of failing in a relationship again.
Step 5: Make a Commitment to Be Honest in Your Relationships
In my dating questionnaire, I asked the question, “In dating and/or relationships, what makes you angry?” The overwhelming response is dishonesty. Yes, we can’t control how another behaves, but we can choose to be honest to another person. They will respect you for your honesty.
I recently had a client role-play how she would tell a guy that she was not interested in dating him. I asked her how she felt when she said to him,” I enjoyed meeting you. However, I do not feel that this is a good fit for me.” She said she felt empowered and felt good about herself for being honest and straightforward. I then asked her,” how are you honoring this person by being honest?” She replied,” I am showing them I respect them and not willing to waste their time so they can find someone more suited
for him.” Bingo!
How can you prevent someone from being dishonest with you? Go back to step #4! Take your time and get to know your potential partner. The people dating with integrity will respect you and want to take the time for them to get to know you, as well.
By following the steps above, you are ensuring a better dating experience the next time around. By being honest and straightforward with others, you will gain their respect and be someone they may recommend to a friend if it turns out they are not the one. All in all, it will be win-win situation.
* The names have been changed to honor confidentiality of my clients and friends.
Amy Schoen is a life coach who specializes in helping singles to discover what they need and want in relationships and how to find their desired romantic partner. For down to earth tips and helpful hints on dating and relationships, you can subscribe to her popular ezine or her tele-seminars at:
http://www.heartmindconnection.com
Step 1: You need to know yourself and your life goals
A client of mine is a divorced and is having a difficult time getting back in the dating game. He really missed having a steady relationship and didn’t feel very confident about getting out there to date. He took a shotgun approach on the internet and met a woman who came from a different cultural background, including a different religion. He was happy at first to meet someone who was interested in him. As time went on, apparent differences started to appear. Yet, he did care for this woman.
We worked to clarify his values as well as his goals for his life. How did he picture his life in the future as a married individual? First he wanted a family and one that honored his faith. He realized this would be a big stumbling block with the different cultures and religion. He also valued being prudent with his finances and realized his girlfriend had higher expectations than he could afford. All in all their values were in conflict as well as how they wanted to live their life in the future.
What if he knew this information before going into the relationship? Perhaps he would have not ventured to date this woman and save himself the heartache. Now he has to
start the dating and selecting process all over again. However, he will select someone more congruent with his values and lifestyle goals next time that will give him a better chance to have success.
Step 2: You need to know what you need in a relationship?
What must you have in a relationship to make you happy? Do you know? Do you crave romance, physical affection, a significant amount time with your partner? Do you need someone who is financially stable?
I know a women, Donna, who became smitten with my friend, Roy*, and visa versa. They dated for at least 3 months and seemed happy. However, she lived in Virginia with young children and he lived in Maryland (40 minutes away) and had his own child. Neither would be able to move because of the children. In addition, Roy had started a new career that involved commission sales and was not yet financially secure. Donna broke up with Roy because he didn’t earn enough income for Donna. What a tragedy! Roy was heartbroken.
Just imagine that Donna and Roy knew that the distance would be difficult in this situation and Donna knew her financial needs from a partner. They would have not invested their time and emotion in this relationship and would have sought relationships that meet their needs.
Just a hint, if you feel needy in a relationship, some key expression of love is missing for you.
Step 3: Do Take on the Tough Issues Early On
One of my clients was dating a man that she was falling in love with and was very much attached to. After two months, she discovered that he did not want anymore children than the two he had from his previous marriage. She desired to have a child of her own (a clear “must have”).
It was difficult, but she did decide to break up and try to find someone who had the same goal as she did. Time is critical for many women and learning this information quickly is very important.
What if she brought the subject up on the second or third date and said, “I’m looking to meet someone that I will eventually marry and want children of their own”? She would have found out right away that he choose not to have another child. You say, how can I say this? Won’t I scare the guy away? My philosophy is if the guy (or gal) gets scared and runs away, let him (or her)! Any serious contender will stick around.
Step 4: Don’t Get Too Physical Too Soon!
Time and time I see my clients get too physically involved in a relationship much too quickly and then regret how hooked in they became. They were in this quandary that they liked the physical relationship but did not see a future with the woman. And for women, there is a hormone released during sex that makes us feel attached to the
male.
Resist temptation! It’s so important to get to know a person and let the emotional, intellectual connection, and spiritual connection for some, grow first. This is a foundation of a great relationship. If there is physical attraction, that’s great. It’s not going anywhere.
Take at least 3 months to date and really get to know each other without s.ex. If there is a desire to take the relationship to the next stage, being exclusive with the desire move in a serious direction, at least you know that you have the same values, goals in life and want the same things. Besides, if the relationship turns out not to be
right, you will be able to walk away with respect and may be able to remain friends. This step alone will reduce the risk of failing in a relationship again.
Step 5: Make a Commitment to Be Honest in Your Relationships
In my dating questionnaire, I asked the question, “In dating and/or relationships, what makes you angry?” The overwhelming response is dishonesty. Yes, we can’t control how another behaves, but we can choose to be honest to another person. They will respect you for your honesty.
I recently had a client role-play how she would tell a guy that she was not interested in dating him. I asked her how she felt when she said to him,” I enjoyed meeting you. However, I do not feel that this is a good fit for me.” She said she felt empowered and felt good about herself for being honest and straightforward. I then asked her,” how are you honoring this person by being honest?” She replied,” I am showing them I respect them and not willing to waste their time so they can find someone more suited
for him.” Bingo!
How can you prevent someone from being dishonest with you? Go back to step #4! Take your time and get to know your potential partner. The people dating with integrity will respect you and want to take the time for them to get to know you, as well.
By following the steps above, you are ensuring a better dating experience the next time around. By being honest and straightforward with others, you will gain their respect and be someone they may recommend to a friend if it turns out they are not the one. All in all, it will be win-win situation.
* The names have been changed to honor confidentiality of my clients and friends.
Amy Schoen is a life coach who specializes in helping singles to discover what they need and want in relationships and how to find their desired romantic partner. For down to earth tips and helpful hints on dating and relationships, you can subscribe to her popular ezine or her tele-seminars at:
http://www.heartmindconnection.com
Staying Safe on a Date
Plan Your First Date Well
OK, so you think that you've found your Mr. Wonderful. Well you may just be right but, in reality, you've never met this guy or heard of him before you started to cyber chat!
So, it's the old adage of:
''It's better to be safe than sorry.''a
Make sure that your first date is in a public place so that there are a lot of people about.
Ideally it needs to be during the day in daylight - so there's no possibility of getting into uneasy situations in dark corners.
Let A Friend Know Your Plans
Let someone know what your plans are in terms of place of meeting, time of date, who you are meeting and what time you expect the date to be over.
Phone them before your date and immediately after - so that they know that you're OK.
This communication is important.
Your friend will probably be the only person who will know where you are and who you are with.
Listen To The Conversation Very Carefully
During your conversation, you need to listen to the gist of what's being said. Make sure that what you're hearing is the same as what was said to you before you actually met.
If it doesn't add up, then make your apologies and exit.
You've been lied to and you need to end the date.
Drink Wisely
No, I'm not talking about getting blind drunk - that's common sense...particularly with someone that you've never met before.
I'm referring to being aware of the danger of someone 'spiking' your drink without you knowing it.
The are drugs out there that can have terrible affects on people and allow things to happen that you don't know about at the time.
Never leave the table with some drink in your glass.
Get a fresh drink on your way back to the table and never, ever, drink from a glass that you left before.
Everything Goes OK
So far we've looked at situations that could occur where things don't go right. But, and hopefully, when things go right you need to organise how and when you're going to contact each other again.
After you leave, make sure that you phone your friend to let them know that everything went OK. Tell them that you are on your way home or to where you told your friend you were going after your date.
Send your date a 'thank you' email and start to think about whether you, or your date, will want to go on a second date.
http://www.online-dating-review.com/safe_dating.htm
Why Use Online Dating Services?
Using Online Dating Shows Initiative
Don't get the idea that people who use online dating are sad and lonely individuals.
Placing a personal ad on a dating web site actually shows initiative. Considering the number of people who join the internet dating scene every week - over 100,000 people worldwide sign up to dating web sites - then you can't really afford to miss out on such a large 'market'.
The variety of people in this environment opens up so many opportunities that you won't find around the singles bars.
The Reasons For Using Internet Dating
There are so many legitimate reasons why men and women use internet dating - and these days they do apply to both men and women:
 | Shyness with initial face to face meeting |
| Single parent with kids who can't get out of the house to meet people |
| Career girl or man who doesn't have time for the social scene |
| Living in an area where there is a limited number of available men or women |
| Can't meet like minded individuals on the bar circuit |
| Just trying the internet dating route to see what comes out of it |
So, as you can see, there are many very real reasons why people use internet dating.
The days are long gone where people who use internet dating are considered 'desperate.'
Logically, 100,000 people signing up to dating web sites every week can't be wrong can they?
Use Right And Reap The Rewards
The secret, certainly initially, is to write an attention grabbing personal ad and post it on more than one web site.
http://www.online-dating-review.com/why_online_dating.htm
How To Write Attention Getting Personal Ads
Now that you've decided to enter the dating game, do you expect your perfect partner to just come and find you?
Well, if you do, then you're in for a rude awakening.
You've just entered an arena containing millions of people who are after exactly the same as you!
So, you need to be able to stand out - and you do that by producing a personal ad that jumps out at the people that you want it to.
People forget that 'ad' actually means 'advertisement' and, like anything that is being advertised, you must make it stand out and be noticed.
Just follow the guidelines below, but it'll probably take more than one attempt to get your ad right, and you'll soon be able to put together an ad that jumps out at the right people.
Honesty Is The Best Policy
Don't underestimate the intelligence of the people reading your personal ad. You won't meet anyone if you blow the description of yourself out of all proportion.
Be honest!
Honesty is the one quality that people will be looking for in you. Who is going to believe:
'I have a personal fortune of £100,000,000 and am seeking someone, anyone, who I can share it with. You'll have my total attention and gifts will abound.'
People are not stupid - particularly people who have been involved in the online dating game for a while.
So, that's the information about yourself.
But your personal ad. is not just about you. It's also about defining the type of person that you're looking for.
In your personal ad, you need to be very specific about the qualities that you're looking for in your perfect partner. Make it easy for someone to relate to your statements and recognise 'that's who I am.'
Specific Information
Avoid putting in your ad. information such as your telephone number and home address.
But you certainly need to put in your personal interests, hobbies, job, etc. These make you a 'real person' that people reading your ad. can relate to - and stimulate their interest in you as a person.
First Impressions Are Important
Like any ad, the headline is the first thing that draws someone into your 'copy'
Make it punchy but honest!
Make the headline concentrate on your one most important quality that will benefit the person that you're seeking. Focus on the quality that most appeals to the type of person that you're looking for.
As well as the headline making a solid first impression so must your ability to communicate accurately.
I'm not talking about being honest here, like earlier, but about grammar.
Make sure that you spell correctly and use correct grammar. When you've put your ad. together check it and re-check it for mistakes. No one will want to meet up with someone who comes over as 'sloppy' right from the start.
What Are Online Matchmaking Services
In the online dating game, there are two basic services available to you that you can use to find your ideal partner:
| Online Matchmaking Services |
| Dating Services |
Online Matchmaking Services
On web sites offering this service, you'll have to fill out a form that covers many different areas of your likes, dislikes, preferences, needs, life style...and anything else that the web site owners need to find your perfect match.
When you've completed the form, their computer searches the database to find people who match the criteria that you've selected on your form.
These days, many web sites will email you when new people sign up who match your criteria.
Some of the forms are certainly time consuming to complete but its worth while doing as you only get contacts that specifically match what you want - and the email service certainly saves you time as opposed to having to search through numerous profiles.
Dating Services
Using web sites who offer this service means that you have to search through profiles of people who are listed on their database.
Normally, you put the criteria into the search facility - age, gender, geographical location, etc, that you're looking for, then press 'Search' and you get pages of photos with details of the people.
This method does give you a lot of choice and flexibility - you may spot someone who is strictly outside the criteria that you entered but who you may be interested in meeting anyway.
Web Site Directory
Both of these services cover a multitude of different categories listed in the Directory on this web site.
In the 'Online Dating Directory' on the right you'll see 'matchmaking' and 'dating services' as separate categories under Online Dating Services Sites. This is because they are the primary categories of those sites listed.
Other sites listed in other categories also offer a 'matchmaking' and 'dating services' as part of the total package - from the more traditional 'straight' relationship the the 'adult' oriented sites.
http://www.online-dating-review.com/matchmaking_dating.htm
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