I have been searching for good online dating sites with some real good features some years back I can not find a dating site which was absolutely free and it had all the features a dating site should have and to be true I couldn’t find one at that time. The only option available those days was to pay and use that dating site at your indiscretion. It was something like going for a blind date and due to this more often than not the user suffered and didn’t achieved the results he wanted.
But there has been a certain change in the trend in recent years as more and more dating sites are coming on the internet. They now woo you by giving you a free trial period of some days or they will give you a free package where you can just list yourself and have some features available to you .If you liked the site you can upgrade yourself further and access all the features that the site is providing. This has already worked wonders for sites like friend finder and some other sites. On these sites it just happens that women just enlists herself and men can send them messages when they upgrade but this also doesn’t fulfill my desire to rate this a very good way
There is a new trend emerging and that’s what I call a totally free dating site. And I was astonished to see these websites as they did had all the features I wanted in a dating site and they were absolutely free. To become a member you didn’t had to buy a membership, refer someone or have a free trial and then upgrade. Its Free in all sense just become a member by registering there and start making pals
And with that are my favorite totally free dating sites, with a quick explanation as to why they've prospered, and why you should join.
Datingsmatches
I have been a member of this site since it opened some days back and I would never leave this site. It has some great features that i think everybody wants in a dating site. They some great features like forums (where u can discuss about just anything), you also have a blog section. Then there is a chat and IM section where you can send instant message to anyone who is online or send him a message. You are also sent weekly matching results for you. You can upload your pictures and decide who can see them and even protect them with a password and give it to only those whom you want to. There are many more features and this is what I call a totally free dating site
CasualKiss
This is another good site. Not only does CK (also known as CampusKiss) give members free access, you also get a blog, access to some wild message boards, daily horoscopes (created by members), "confessions" (where people answer Truth-or-Dare questions), and live video chat. Plus, you can change your prefered color scheme (both site-wide and with your own profile), link to friends in a MySpace-like net, take the purity test and join groups. Their Spam feature is pretty robust to boot. I've still found nothing that compares to this tongue-in-cheek, totally free dating site.
OkCupid
This I came to know through a search in google. The reason I kept using the site though were the tests - thousands and thousands of them. The OkCupid works similarly to eHarmony, where you answer questions that determine how compatible you are with other users. It differs from eHarmony greatly however, in that OkCupid users create the questions (and therefore the matching mechanisms) and it's a totally free dating site. Add some social networking aspects and fun matching criteria (my profile tells me I am "less ambitious, more artsy, more literary and less trusting" than other women my age) and the site is a huge hit.
http://www.articlenetworks.com/Article/The-truths-and-the-myths-of-totally-free-dating---match-sites/14737
Saturday, August 25, 2007
10 Elementary Rules for Online Dating Success
In theory, online dating is the perfect way to meet your 'ideal partner', yet a surprisingly small number of online members are actually successful in finding romance online. There are, however, some simple guidelines, which if implemented, will certainly improve your chances of success in the online dating arena.
1. Firstly, it is important that you choose the ideal dating website to suit your particular interest. There are now many niche areas in online dating, for example single parent dating or sports dating and you should use the search engines to find a selection of dating websites where you consider you are most likely to find your ideal date.
2. Once you have located websites in the niche area of online dating that suit you most, always visit a handful of them and look for the administrator contact link. Send an email to the admin of each website, asking how many full paying members they have in their database. A well administered dating website should reply to your email within a couple of hours. Admin is all important, and will be 24/7 on a quality dating site.
3. Never join a free dating website if you are serious about finding a mate. 'Free For All' dating sites are very often littered with incomplete profiles, and rarely taken seriously by their membership. A free trial period is good, but before making your choice of website to join, check out the member facilities. Do they have a chat room, video chat, a forum, instant messenger etc. Be wary of dating sites that do not allow you to search members before joining.
4. One last thing before you decide on your ideal dating site. Many dating sites are being infiltrated by scammers often from Africa, Ghana, Nigeria or Singapore. The IP addresses from these areas can be blocked by dating sites to save genuine members from being hassled. A good dating site will use these blocking tactics, and it's worth asking the question.
5. Once you make your choice and register with a dating website, you need to create a profile. Keep to the truth, but make yourself come across as interesting as possible, and be reasonably accurate in describing the type of partner you seek. Including a photograph will certainly increase your chances of being noticed.
6. When sending emails to other members, always be polite and courteous, especially in the first contact email. First impressions are extremely important. Always reply to every email you receive from other members, even if it's only to inform them that you are not interested.
7. Never, under any circumstances, give out your bank account or social security details to anyone. Do not be fooled by requests for money from people you just met no matter how convincing their story is or how beautiful or handsome their photos appear. Be aware that the photos are almost certainly not really them at all but merely photos of models copied from the Internet. The moment you are asked for money, cease all conversations with that member and report the scam to the administrators.
8. Once you open up contact with a member who you think may interest you, take your time in getting to know them well. You now have the opportunity to exchange relevant details about each other, and exchange photographs. However, in the early communications, don't believe all you are told. Trust will come in time.
9. Photographs often display the date on which they were taken, but be aware that some members will use old photographs in an effort to make themselves appear younger than they actually are. If your dating site has video cam facilities, you can get to see each other in real time which is useful in determining your prospective mate's current appearance.
10. If you do decide to meet another member for real, always suggest meeting in a busy area, and keep the first meeting short. Chemistry is something you just cannot measure through the Internet.
It wouldn't be much fun spending a weekend with someone who you shared no chemistry with.
So these are just a few simple but important rules which if followed will make your online dating experience a pleasant one. Remember that they are only guidelines and not rules. Everyone is different and you will need to explore together in order to discover the higher ground..
http://www.articles411.com/Article/10-Elementary-Rules-for-Online-Dating-Success/53638
1. Firstly, it is important that you choose the ideal dating website to suit your particular interest. There are now many niche areas in online dating, for example single parent dating or sports dating and you should use the search engines to find a selection of dating websites where you consider you are most likely to find your ideal date.
2. Once you have located websites in the niche area of online dating that suit you most, always visit a handful of them and look for the administrator contact link. Send an email to the admin of each website, asking how many full paying members they have in their database. A well administered dating website should reply to your email within a couple of hours. Admin is all important, and will be 24/7 on a quality dating site.
3. Never join a free dating website if you are serious about finding a mate. 'Free For All' dating sites are very often littered with incomplete profiles, and rarely taken seriously by their membership. A free trial period is good, but before making your choice of website to join, check out the member facilities. Do they have a chat room, video chat, a forum, instant messenger etc. Be wary of dating sites that do not allow you to search members before joining.
4. One last thing before you decide on your ideal dating site. Many dating sites are being infiltrated by scammers often from Africa, Ghana, Nigeria or Singapore. The IP addresses from these areas can be blocked by dating sites to save genuine members from being hassled. A good dating site will use these blocking tactics, and it's worth asking the question.
5. Once you make your choice and register with a dating website, you need to create a profile. Keep to the truth, but make yourself come across as interesting as possible, and be reasonably accurate in describing the type of partner you seek. Including a photograph will certainly increase your chances of being noticed.
6. When sending emails to other members, always be polite and courteous, especially in the first contact email. First impressions are extremely important. Always reply to every email you receive from other members, even if it's only to inform them that you are not interested.
7. Never, under any circumstances, give out your bank account or social security details to anyone. Do not be fooled by requests for money from people you just met no matter how convincing their story is or how beautiful or handsome their photos appear. Be aware that the photos are almost certainly not really them at all but merely photos of models copied from the Internet. The moment you are asked for money, cease all conversations with that member and report the scam to the administrators.
8. Once you open up contact with a member who you think may interest you, take your time in getting to know them well. You now have the opportunity to exchange relevant details about each other, and exchange photographs. However, in the early communications, don't believe all you are told. Trust will come in time.
9. Photographs often display the date on which they were taken, but be aware that some members will use old photographs in an effort to make themselves appear younger than they actually are. If your dating site has video cam facilities, you can get to see each other in real time which is useful in determining your prospective mate's current appearance.
10. If you do decide to meet another member for real, always suggest meeting in a busy area, and keep the first meeting short. Chemistry is something you just cannot measure through the Internet.
It wouldn't be much fun spending a weekend with someone who you shared no chemistry with.
So these are just a few simple but important rules which if followed will make your online dating experience a pleasant one. Remember that they are only guidelines and not rules. Everyone is different and you will need to explore together in order to discover the higher ground..
http://www.articles411.com/Article/10-Elementary-Rules-for-Online-Dating-Success/53638
How To Be Closer To Your Man Without Looking Needy!
We all want to be closer to our man. This is something that we may feel the need to do because it will make us feel better about our relationship. This is going to be a great achievement for most couples. However, it is not always easy to get close to your man because you may not want to look too needy to them. You have to know how to do it right so that you are not making a big mistake in your relationship.
1) Allow Your Man To Have Their Space
You need to allow your man to have their space but you want to also get as close to them as you can. When you are trying to learn about their life and find out as much as you can, you will want to be in their life but you also want to let them have their space so that they can do the things that they like to do too.
2) Sometimes, Your Man Needs To Do Something Alone
If a man says that they need to do something and they need to do it alone, you need to let them. This is the only way that you can be sure that they are doing what they need to and getting the space that they need. If you are asked to leave or you are not invited to something in their life, you should make sure that you are letting them do it. This will make them feel as if they have their space and that you are not being too needy.
3) Make Your Man Feel Loved
You will want to make your man feel loved. You want them to feel like they are very important to you but you do not want to be a stalker or anything like that. If you are too clingy, you may in fact scare them away. You may feel as if you are not giving them as much of your attention as you should. You need to make sure that you are doing all that you can to make your man feel good but you should also let them do the same for you. If you are not receiving love back, you may not be in the relationship that you should.
4) Do Not Call Your Man All The Time.
You need to back off at times. It is ok to call your man daily and to check up on what is new in their life. You will want to make sure that you are keeping in touch with him but in a classy way. Calling all the time and making a nuisance of you is only going to make yourself look too needy. This can actually be embarrassing for you.
Learn how to cut back and give the recommended space that you both need when you need it. This is the only way to keep your self-respect and not make him feel like you are not giving him room to breath.
5) He Does Not Have To Go With You Wherever You Go.
It is ok to spend time together, but you need to know when to do things on your own. Spending time together and doing things that you love is important however, you do not have to drag him along when he does not want to come.
Ask him once but do not force him to do something that he is not interested in. of course you need him to spend time doing things that you like with you but you do not need to make it happen all the time. There are ways to connect with your man and not drive him crazy by annoying him with the little things that he does not want to do.
Last but not least, do not constantly tell him what to do. When you are constantly telling him what to do and how to do it, you may in fact be insulting him and making him feel almost like a child. This is going to be a degrading experience for him and it is not something that you want to happen.
Give him the respect that you would want for yourself. This is the best way to keep things moving in the right direction and not making yourself seem like you are attached to him at the hip.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/How-To-Be-Closer-To-Your-Man-Without-Looking-Needy-/53772
1) Allow Your Man To Have Their Space
You need to allow your man to have their space but you want to also get as close to them as you can. When you are trying to learn about their life and find out as much as you can, you will want to be in their life but you also want to let them have their space so that they can do the things that they like to do too.
2) Sometimes, Your Man Needs To Do Something Alone
If a man says that they need to do something and they need to do it alone, you need to let them. This is the only way that you can be sure that they are doing what they need to and getting the space that they need. If you are asked to leave or you are not invited to something in their life, you should make sure that you are letting them do it. This will make them feel as if they have their space and that you are not being too needy.
3) Make Your Man Feel Loved
You will want to make your man feel loved. You want them to feel like they are very important to you but you do not want to be a stalker or anything like that. If you are too clingy, you may in fact scare them away. You may feel as if you are not giving them as much of your attention as you should. You need to make sure that you are doing all that you can to make your man feel good but you should also let them do the same for you. If you are not receiving love back, you may not be in the relationship that you should.
4) Do Not Call Your Man All The Time.
You need to back off at times. It is ok to call your man daily and to check up on what is new in their life. You will want to make sure that you are keeping in touch with him but in a classy way. Calling all the time and making a nuisance of you is only going to make yourself look too needy. This can actually be embarrassing for you.
Learn how to cut back and give the recommended space that you both need when you need it. This is the only way to keep your self-respect and not make him feel like you are not giving him room to breath.
5) He Does Not Have To Go With You Wherever You Go.
It is ok to spend time together, but you need to know when to do things on your own. Spending time together and doing things that you love is important however, you do not have to drag him along when he does not want to come.
Ask him once but do not force him to do something that he is not interested in. of course you need him to spend time doing things that you like with you but you do not need to make it happen all the time. There are ways to connect with your man and not drive him crazy by annoying him with the little things that he does not want to do.
Last but not least, do not constantly tell him what to do. When you are constantly telling him what to do and how to do it, you may in fact be insulting him and making him feel almost like a child. This is going to be a degrading experience for him and it is not something that you want to happen.
Give him the respect that you would want for yourself. This is the best way to keep things moving in the right direction and not making yourself seem like you are attached to him at the hip.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/How-To-Be-Closer-To-Your-Man-Without-Looking-Needy-/53772
Moving In Together
This is a tough question to answer and there is no clear cut time table as to when a couple should move in together. One of the most important factors to consider is the amount of time you have been dating. You probably shouldn’t move in with someone after 3 months or less of dating; there’s still that “getting to know each other” period. So even though you may want to wake up next to the person – don’t start sharing bills right away. If you want to do the sleepover on weekends as a trial, that’s perfectly alright; just don’t make the commitment to move together that soon.
If you have been dating for over 6 month, you can approach the subject by sitting down and discussing how the move would affect your relationship. Women are more commitment orientated then men so don’t pressure your man to move in with you. You two may have a great relationship and he may not be ready to move in just yet.
Most people take settle down to mean marriage. But in this day and age, more and more people are living together without getting married. So the term living together may signal a thought of settling down or even the possibility of marriage that may be scary for either partner. Some couples may wait a year or so before they move in together because they want to make sure that they’re with the right person.
That theory also works the other way as well. Some people think the idea of moving in together is a great way to see if you’re truly in love with the person. It’s a good theory, but it can also have some negative side effects. For instance, say your partner moves in and after a few months it doesn’t work out. As a result, the person who moved will have to pack up again, find a new place and move out. Chances are the relationship will end and maybe it would have lasted longer if you didn’t rush it.
That’s why it is very important to discuss moving in first. Bring up the subject and see how your partner will react. Remember, you don’t have to discuss it all in one day, let it simmer for a while. If the subject seems to be dropped over time, bring it up again in 2 or 3 weeks; don’t constantly nag because chances are that won’t work. If the relationship is worth keeping then don’t rush into anything. When the right times comes it comes and if your partner isn’t ready, and they may never be, then you can reevaluate your relationship. The most important thing is that you give it time.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Moving-In-Together/54100
If you have been dating for over 6 month, you can approach the subject by sitting down and discussing how the move would affect your relationship. Women are more commitment orientated then men so don’t pressure your man to move in with you. You two may have a great relationship and he may not be ready to move in just yet.
Most people take settle down to mean marriage. But in this day and age, more and more people are living together without getting married. So the term living together may signal a thought of settling down or even the possibility of marriage that may be scary for either partner. Some couples may wait a year or so before they move in together because they want to make sure that they’re with the right person.
That theory also works the other way as well. Some people think the idea of moving in together is a great way to see if you’re truly in love with the person. It’s a good theory, but it can also have some negative side effects. For instance, say your partner moves in and after a few months it doesn’t work out. As a result, the person who moved will have to pack up again, find a new place and move out. Chances are the relationship will end and maybe it would have lasted longer if you didn’t rush it.
That’s why it is very important to discuss moving in first. Bring up the subject and see how your partner will react. Remember, you don’t have to discuss it all in one day, let it simmer for a while. If the subject seems to be dropped over time, bring it up again in 2 or 3 weeks; don’t constantly nag because chances are that won’t work. If the relationship is worth keeping then don’t rush into anything. When the right times comes it comes and if your partner isn’t ready, and they may never be, then you can reevaluate your relationship. The most important thing is that you give it time.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Moving-In-Together/54100
Dating Tips for Men Over 40: 5 Dating Tips to Help You Date Sexy Women No Matter Your Looks or Age
When Dave married Sue, his high school sweetheart, he envisioned the typical marriage scenario. He dreamed of a big house with a white picket fence, a couple of kids, career growth, prosperity, grandkids, retirement and maybe even adjacent burial plots.
That was 25 years ago.
Now their youngest child left for college and Sue filed for divorce.
It's a sad fact that divorce rates are rising all the time. So the older you are, the more likely you are to be looking for a new partner. However, most men who have spent almost a generation of their lives in a marriage only to find themselves slightly past their youth are terrified of the idea of trying to re-enter the world of dating. Once their chins and chests sag, their hips or waist thicken, and their bellies rise, the concept of flirting, let alone trying to find a new romantic partner, seems like a world that has passed them by.
They say, "I can't go on a date. I'm over 40 and I surely do not look like I did when I was younger!"
As the dating tips master I've heard this over and over again. And even though some might think by the time a man gets closer to or exceeds the mid-century mark, he'd have his game down. But, based on my own experience, it isn't necessarily the truth. You just need some sage reminders on how to improve the quality of your love life
Here Are My Top 5 Dating After 40 Tips to Help You
Skyrocket Your Success with Sexy Women:
Dating tip #1: Don't date. Yes, you heard me right; I said don't date. Think about a traditional "date." It's full of pressure, awkwardness, evaluation and it just plain sucks. What do you do on a traditional date? Dinner, movie, kiss goodnight, and then she doesn't return your calls. Trust me, it's much better (and cheaper) to meet for coffee. It's fun and relaxed with none of the normal dating expectations.
Dating tip #2: The less you do and say, the more she's attracted to you. Most guys try to impress sexy women, or "lay a rap" on them. Sexy women have heard it all before. But, if you ask her about herself, shut up and listen, and display a SMALL degree of interest, she'll begin to wonder why you're not slobbering all over her. She'll want to discover more. Now you're a challenge, and sexy women love challenging guys.
Dating tip #3: Be a gentleman but also be a "naughty little boy." Remember the "class clown" in elementary school—the guy who was cool and funny all at the same time? When you're talking to sexy women, make unexpected and mischievous comments. Leave them thinking, "I can't believe he just said that… but I like it." This shows sexy women you're NOT impressed by their looks and you need to see more. And because this is so different from what they're used to, they can't help but be attracted. I cannot emphasize the importance of this dating tip.
Dating tip #4: Avoid all canned pick up lines or any type of acting. Sexy women have heard it all before. As soon as you spout one, you're instantly what I call a JAG (just another guy). And JAG's don't get sexy women!
Dating tip #5: Look out for her tests. Sexy women will test you to see if you'll stand up to them. If you can't stand up to her, you can't stand up for her. If she asks you to buy her things, that's a test. It's also a perfect opportunity to be a naughty little boy as described in dating tip #3. Say something like, "What do I look like an ATM machine? You should buy ME something, just for the privilege of spending time with me. I like sexy women who buy me things!" Say this in a playful, yet firm manner that lets her know you're onto her. When you pass their tests, it drives sexy women wild with desire.
Obviously there are lots of other dating tips, tricks and secrets you can put to use to grab a hold of the sexy woman of your dreams and never let her go. But if you pay attention to these dating tips, you'll be a whole lot more successful with sexy women. I guarantee it. So, go re-read all the dating tips again and start having more fun on your dating adventures!
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Dating-Tips-for-Men-Over-40--5-Dating-Tips-to-Help-You-Date-Sexy-Women-No-Matter-Your-Looks-or-Age/54109
That was 25 years ago.
Now their youngest child left for college and Sue filed for divorce.
It's a sad fact that divorce rates are rising all the time. So the older you are, the more likely you are to be looking for a new partner. However, most men who have spent almost a generation of their lives in a marriage only to find themselves slightly past their youth are terrified of the idea of trying to re-enter the world of dating. Once their chins and chests sag, their hips or waist thicken, and their bellies rise, the concept of flirting, let alone trying to find a new romantic partner, seems like a world that has passed them by.
They say, "I can't go on a date. I'm over 40 and I surely do not look like I did when I was younger!"
As the dating tips master I've heard this over and over again. And even though some might think by the time a man gets closer to or exceeds the mid-century mark, he'd have his game down. But, based on my own experience, it isn't necessarily the truth. You just need some sage reminders on how to improve the quality of your love life
Here Are My Top 5 Dating After 40 Tips to Help You
Skyrocket Your Success with Sexy Women:
Dating tip #1: Don't date. Yes, you heard me right; I said don't date. Think about a traditional "date." It's full of pressure, awkwardness, evaluation and it just plain sucks. What do you do on a traditional date? Dinner, movie, kiss goodnight, and then she doesn't return your calls. Trust me, it's much better (and cheaper) to meet for coffee. It's fun and relaxed with none of the normal dating expectations.
Dating tip #2: The less you do and say, the more she's attracted to you. Most guys try to impress sexy women, or "lay a rap" on them. Sexy women have heard it all before. But, if you ask her about herself, shut up and listen, and display a SMALL degree of interest, she'll begin to wonder why you're not slobbering all over her. She'll want to discover more. Now you're a challenge, and sexy women love challenging guys.
Dating tip #3: Be a gentleman but also be a "naughty little boy." Remember the "class clown" in elementary school—the guy who was cool and funny all at the same time? When you're talking to sexy women, make unexpected and mischievous comments. Leave them thinking, "I can't believe he just said that… but I like it." This shows sexy women you're NOT impressed by their looks and you need to see more. And because this is so different from what they're used to, they can't help but be attracted. I cannot emphasize the importance of this dating tip.
Dating tip #4: Avoid all canned pick up lines or any type of acting. Sexy women have heard it all before. As soon as you spout one, you're instantly what I call a JAG (just another guy). And JAG's don't get sexy women!
Dating tip #5: Look out for her tests. Sexy women will test you to see if you'll stand up to them. If you can't stand up to her, you can't stand up for her. If she asks you to buy her things, that's a test. It's also a perfect opportunity to be a naughty little boy as described in dating tip #3. Say something like, "What do I look like an ATM machine? You should buy ME something, just for the privilege of spending time with me. I like sexy women who buy me things!" Say this in a playful, yet firm manner that lets her know you're onto her. When you pass their tests, it drives sexy women wild with desire.
Obviously there are lots of other dating tips, tricks and secrets you can put to use to grab a hold of the sexy woman of your dreams and never let her go. But if you pay attention to these dating tips, you'll be a whole lot more successful with sexy women. I guarantee it. So, go re-read all the dating tips again and start having more fun on your dating adventures!
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Dating-Tips-for-Men-Over-40--5-Dating-Tips-to-Help-You-Date-Sexy-Women-No-Matter-Your-Looks-or-Age/54109
The Science of Lust and Love
Lust? Love? Is there a difference?
Thinking back to the last time you were newly in love, it will come as no surprise to you that the chemicals released into the blood when you were in the attraction stage are very different than those released later in the relationship. After all, if you had stayed in that new love stage, you wouldn't be unable to accomplish anything except to spend your days pining away for your lover.
Scientists are beginning to identify not only the chemicals involved with "being in love" but also the parts of the brain that are activated. It seems to be an explanation for the anecdotal seven year itch. Well, actually it's anywhere from 4 to 7, depending on the scientist or journal you are reading.
According to researchers, lust, is the sensation that causes us to go out looking for a mate. It's the chemicals estrogen and testosterone that are at work here.
Then there's attraction or being "love struck" . This is the part where you lose your appetite, can't sleep, get sweaty palms and higher heart rate etc. This keeps us going back for more of this person. The love chemicals at this stage are mostly the same ones that are increased whenever we have a new adventure or excitement: the monoamines. These include dopamine, norepinephidrine, phenylethylamine (PEA) and serotonin. Basically, these affect us as if taking amphetamines, stimulants and painkillers!
Dopamine makes us feel happy while serotonin and norepinephidrine make us feel more excited. PEA is the big player here which excites us and helps the transition from lust to love. It's this chemical rush caused by PEA that creates the addiction to being in love we here so much about (Isn't there a song title of the same name?).
Some people jump from relationship to relationship just for the high of the in love feeling. No doubt, the in love chemicals are HARD and addictive drugs.
Alas, after a couple of years of the excitement stage, comes the attachment stage. These processes overlap one another in that the in love chemicals don't just disappear but lessen over time and are replaced with other chemicals.
At this stage, oxytocin,, the same chemical involved in childbirth and bonding to the infant, shows up in the blood of both men and women . This stage is often referred to as the attachment stage. Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both men and women. It has been postulated that the more sex the couple has, the more bonded they will become. That's a good tick by nature, don't you think?
Vasopressin, also called the monogamy hormone, comes into play during the attachment phase as well. Vasopressin seems to keep us protective of our mates.
Other chemicals, called endorphins are released during and after sex. These give us that "feel good feeling" similar to the feeling after a hard exercise session (endorphins are also released during exercise).
An observation: the in love chemicals take about 2 to 3 years to fade out and be replaced by the bonding chemicals. Have you noticed that this is the time when many people start to find their mates not as interesting or exciting as they once did? Has this happened to you? The person hasn't changed. The chemicals that attracted you to them have faded. Many people, however, find that the attachment feel good chemicals are much more fulfilling than the attraction chemicals.
Pheromones are the smell chemicals that signal sexual attraction or repulsion. No matter how much you like someone, if they do not smell good to you, the sexual attraction just doesn't work. It's said that women on birth control pills will subconsciously seek out men who smell like good protectors and fathers –because the pill simulates pregnancy. But sometimes when these women go off the pill, they suddenly find their mate doesn't smell attractive anymore. Bummer!
In conclusion: the attraction chemicals fade at about 2 to 3 years and are replaced by the bonding chemicals. The bonding chemicals actually interfere with the exciting "in love" chemicals and create a more "comfortable" bonding love which lasts another few years.
Evolutionarily, the theory is that the couple stays together long enough to raise a child out of infancy. Then both men and women (yes, women are not built for monogamy either) move on and repeat the process. It's good for the gene pool.
So, if you are addicted to the love/lust chemical high, it's very important to keep your sexual and romantic life exciting and new. How to do that? Well, that's a good question for a relationship/marriage counselor!
Resources: ‘The Chemistry of Love" by Dr. Susan Block http://www.counterpunch.org/block02122005.html "The Science of Love – Cupid's Chemistry" by Claire McLoughlin http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HTML/articles/article/clairemcloughlincolumn1.htm/ Labels: chemistry, love, relationships, self-improvement, sexuality
http://www.articles411.com/Article/The-Science-of-Lust-and-Love/54117
Thinking back to the last time you were newly in love, it will come as no surprise to you that the chemicals released into the blood when you were in the attraction stage are very different than those released later in the relationship. After all, if you had stayed in that new love stage, you wouldn't be unable to accomplish anything except to spend your days pining away for your lover.
Scientists are beginning to identify not only the chemicals involved with "being in love" but also the parts of the brain that are activated. It seems to be an explanation for the anecdotal seven year itch. Well, actually it's anywhere from 4 to 7, depending on the scientist or journal you are reading.
According to researchers, lust, is the sensation that causes us to go out looking for a mate. It's the chemicals estrogen and testosterone that are at work here.
Then there's attraction or being "love struck" . This is the part where you lose your appetite, can't sleep, get sweaty palms and higher heart rate etc. This keeps us going back for more of this person. The love chemicals at this stage are mostly the same ones that are increased whenever we have a new adventure or excitement: the monoamines. These include dopamine, norepinephidrine, phenylethylamine (PEA) and serotonin. Basically, these affect us as if taking amphetamines, stimulants and painkillers!
Dopamine makes us feel happy while serotonin and norepinephidrine make us feel more excited. PEA is the big player here which excites us and helps the transition from lust to love. It's this chemical rush caused by PEA that creates the addiction to being in love we here so much about (Isn't there a song title of the same name?).
Some people jump from relationship to relationship just for the high of the in love feeling. No doubt, the in love chemicals are HARD and addictive drugs.
Alas, after a couple of years of the excitement stage, comes the attachment stage. These processes overlap one another in that the in love chemicals don't just disappear but lessen over time and are replaced with other chemicals.
At this stage, oxytocin,, the same chemical involved in childbirth and bonding to the infant, shows up in the blood of both men and women . This stage is often referred to as the attachment stage. Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both men and women. It has been postulated that the more sex the couple has, the more bonded they will become. That's a good tick by nature, don't you think?
Vasopressin, also called the monogamy hormone, comes into play during the attachment phase as well. Vasopressin seems to keep us protective of our mates.
Other chemicals, called endorphins are released during and after sex. These give us that "feel good feeling" similar to the feeling after a hard exercise session (endorphins are also released during exercise).
An observation: the in love chemicals take about 2 to 3 years to fade out and be replaced by the bonding chemicals. Have you noticed that this is the time when many people start to find their mates not as interesting or exciting as they once did? Has this happened to you? The person hasn't changed. The chemicals that attracted you to them have faded. Many people, however, find that the attachment feel good chemicals are much more fulfilling than the attraction chemicals.
Pheromones are the smell chemicals that signal sexual attraction or repulsion. No matter how much you like someone, if they do not smell good to you, the sexual attraction just doesn't work. It's said that women on birth control pills will subconsciously seek out men who smell like good protectors and fathers –because the pill simulates pregnancy. But sometimes when these women go off the pill, they suddenly find their mate doesn't smell attractive anymore. Bummer!
In conclusion: the attraction chemicals fade at about 2 to 3 years and are replaced by the bonding chemicals. The bonding chemicals actually interfere with the exciting "in love" chemicals and create a more "comfortable" bonding love which lasts another few years.
Evolutionarily, the theory is that the couple stays together long enough to raise a child out of infancy. Then both men and women (yes, women are not built for monogamy either) move on and repeat the process. It's good for the gene pool.
So, if you are addicted to the love/lust chemical high, it's very important to keep your sexual and romantic life exciting and new. How to do that? Well, that's a good question for a relationship/marriage counselor!
Resources: ‘The Chemistry of Love" by Dr. Susan Block http://www.counterpunch.org/block02122005.html "The Science of Love – Cupid's Chemistry" by Claire McLoughlin http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HTML/articles/article/clairemcloughlincolumn1.htm/ Labels: chemistry, love, relationships, self-improvement, sexuality
http://www.articles411.com/Article/The-Science-of-Lust-and-Love/54117
Why Free for All Dating Sites Just Don't Work.
The main difference between online dating websites and other membership sites, is that on registering at a dating website, you are required to make an attractive profile, which is used almost like a marketing tool, used to present yourself to other members in the best possible light. Without a complete profile you haven't a chance of attracting other genuine members who are seeking a partner.
Completing a profile of one's self is regarded by many as the most boring, time consuming chore you could ever be asked to perform by any website. And a large percentage of surfers will "put it off till later today or tomorrow" which in most cases means it will never be done. And in fact, oftentimes will never even return to the website.
Most researchers will agree that those who join a website community solely because its free, rarely return to the site or sustain an interest longer than a few days. And it's not because they are forgetful and don't remember registering, because the website administrators will almost certainly send out reminders on a daily basis. The online membership communities which includes dating sites would not exist if it weren't for the members in their databases and it's important that all members who bother to sign up, take an active part in the community and the services it offers. Otherwise it is a waste of not only the indolent member's time, but also the time of the website administrator and other genuine members.
Whereas, on the other hand, in the case of those membership sites that charge a monthly fee to become a member, they will have very few users who register, then stay away or don't bother to complete a profile. Once a user has been tempted to take out his or her credit card, they will be much more inclined to take their membership seriously enough to create a decent profile and visit it several times a day to monitor interest from other members.
The 'fee charging' sites will find it much tougher to get sign ups, but whats the point in having a couple of thousand members in your database if fifteen hundred of them are dormant and don't even respond to your emails? Much better for all concerned to just have five hundred interested members who pay regular visits to the website and use the facilities to the full.
So what about the fee charging dating sites that offer a free period as a trial membership? Well that word "free" continues to cause complacency, but to a lesser degree. Whilst a free period may attract prospective members to a trial period, there are still a large percentage of these free users, who do not return to the website after subscribing.
Many dating sites offering a free trial period, require the user to complete a profile before they are accepted as a free member. Some users however, will want to explore the member database before joining, and if required to join before they are allowed to search, a large percentage of these users will simply move on, and prospective members will be lost.. perhaps to a competitor website.
The highest number of long term signups per 1000 site visitors is enjoyed by those dating sites offering a free trial period, along with a script that will auto delete profiles not completed within a given period of say seven days. The lowest number of long term signups per 1000 site visitors reflects the success rates of the 'absolutely freel' membership websites, dating or otherwise.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Why-Free-for-All-Dating-Sites-Just-Don-t-Work-/54129
Completing a profile of one's self is regarded by many as the most boring, time consuming chore you could ever be asked to perform by any website. And a large percentage of surfers will "put it off till later today or tomorrow" which in most cases means it will never be done. And in fact, oftentimes will never even return to the website.
Most researchers will agree that those who join a website community solely because its free, rarely return to the site or sustain an interest longer than a few days. And it's not because they are forgetful and don't remember registering, because the website administrators will almost certainly send out reminders on a daily basis. The online membership communities which includes dating sites would not exist if it weren't for the members in their databases and it's important that all members who bother to sign up, take an active part in the community and the services it offers. Otherwise it is a waste of not only the indolent member's time, but also the time of the website administrator and other genuine members.
Whereas, on the other hand, in the case of those membership sites that charge a monthly fee to become a member, they will have very few users who register, then stay away or don't bother to complete a profile. Once a user has been tempted to take out his or her credit card, they will be much more inclined to take their membership seriously enough to create a decent profile and visit it several times a day to monitor interest from other members.
The 'fee charging' sites will find it much tougher to get sign ups, but whats the point in having a couple of thousand members in your database if fifteen hundred of them are dormant and don't even respond to your emails? Much better for all concerned to just have five hundred interested members who pay regular visits to the website and use the facilities to the full.
So what about the fee charging dating sites that offer a free period as a trial membership? Well that word "free" continues to cause complacency, but to a lesser degree. Whilst a free period may attract prospective members to a trial period, there are still a large percentage of these free users, who do not return to the website after subscribing.
Many dating sites offering a free trial period, require the user to complete a profile before they are accepted as a free member. Some users however, will want to explore the member database before joining, and if required to join before they are allowed to search, a large percentage of these users will simply move on, and prospective members will be lost.. perhaps to a competitor website.
The highest number of long term signups per 1000 site visitors is enjoyed by those dating sites offering a free trial period, along with a script that will auto delete profiles not completed within a given period of say seven days. The lowest number of long term signups per 1000 site visitors reflects the success rates of the 'absolutely freel' membership websites, dating or otherwise.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/Why-Free-for-All-Dating-Sites-Just-Don-t-Work-/54129
5 Ways to Improve Your Dating Experiences
Dating can be a very frustrating experience. I'd like to share with you some dating advice for men and women that could jumpstart your next date!
Don't you wish you could go onto your favorite online dating website and punch in all the characteristics and qualities of your ideal mate and then, abracadabra that person appears custom made for you?
If you are smart and focused, dreams can come true. First, you need to figure out the information that you would need to input into that computer.
1. You must be honest with yourself and know yourself well.
Consider what your values are while you sit in a nice, quiet place. Values are what you treasure – they are the things that are really important to you. Reflect upon your peak experiences in your life. What made them peak experiences? For example, I love skiing where I am enjoying the beautiful pristine nature and having the feeling of flying down the slopes. My values here are nature and the feeling of freedom.
Another peak experience is giving my husband his recent birthday party. I sent out festive invitations, picked a fabulous restaurant, all our close friends were with us, and my husband was thrilled. The party was a hit! From this, you can see my values are accomplishing something out of the ordinary, being with our close friends and my husband's happiness.
To know yourself well, you also need to get a firm handle of what goals you have in life. What do you want to accomplish in the next year? The next three years? What's your 10 year plan? If you had all the money in the world and nothing to stop you (i.e., any family obligations you may currently have), what would you want to do? What's your top 20 list of the things you would like to do most in the next 10 years?
Why consider all these relationship questions? The reason this is important, is that you want to choose to date people who have similar values as yourself. Also, if you have a life goal that is in conflict with the person that you are dating, this may be a deal breaker. For instance, one of my clients loved the New York area and wanted to live there. The woman he met through an online dating website lived in the Boston area and wanted to remain there with her family and friends. Although there was an attraction, the relationship did not work out because they had different goals on where they wanted to live. The worst situation is to be dating a person for a couple of months before discovering that your goals are totally opposite. For instance, a big dividing point in dating is whether or not you want children. This is a common relationship issue among those who are in the single parent dating category. I had a client who desperately wanted children and dated a guy for several months before finding out he was adamant against having any more children. He was divorced with two children. He didn't want anymore responsibility. She had already fallen in love with him. It was a difficult choice for her, but she had to break up because she knew her goal was to have her own family.
2. Know what your true "must haves" are for a relationship.
Make a list of the things you must have in a relationship. It's okay if your list is 5 items long or 30. It's your list. It may be wise to question whether your non-negotiable is truly non-negotiable or just a want or desire. For instance, some of my "must haves" for a partner were he had to be a non-smoker, had to like (love?) cats, had to be the same religion as I, to have no addictions (alcohol or drugs), and have a steady job and is financially responsible and would support me in my endeavors. Some of my desires were, it would be great if he played tennis, enjoy cultural activities, likes the beach and lived in the DC area. However, I could compromise and live without the last group or find other people to enjoy these things with.
By knowing your "must haves", you will be able to skip over dating people who do not meet your real needs. This will save you time and heartache in the long run.
3. Choose wisely the people you date
Based upon the above knowledge you have gained about your value, needs and wants, it best serves you to decide carefully to choose with whom you spend your time. It is also important to be open to date people who seem like they would be a good match who may not totally "wow" you at first. Some relationships are like smoldering fires and they grow hotter and brighter with time. In contrast, those relationships that are like bonfires at first, may be based on lust and don't usually last very long.
Actually, there have been studies that have shown that women on their first date with a guy may not have been crazy about their dates, but for some reason decided to give the guy a second chance. Many of these women did actually marry the guy!*
Do pay attention to your internal warning signal or your whacko alarm! If something doesn't seem right when talking to the person over the phone, or by your email interactions, then don't pursue it. Your instincts are usually on target.
When you meet someone where your values mesh, then there is a feeling of familiarity. It feels comfortable and you find that you understand each other well. Then add on the same life goals, and shazam! The relationship will just click. It's that simple. Don't waste your time with cute, but inappropriate people unless your time is of little value to you. Choose your dates wisely, and you will have a more enjoyable and hopefully successful dating experience.
4. Be the most attractive you!
Next we're going to talk about your image. Your image matters. According to my research, sloppiness and poor grooming are the top dating turnoffs. Therefore, it is important to make yourself the most attractive person that you can. No matter what you have to work with, one may be able improve with regards to hair, grooming, clothes and weight. Actually, several of my heavy clients that have gotten married. They are able to carry their weight, they have beautiful faces and dress to make the most of their shape. Here are my suggestions:
- Exercise and workout several times a week. Use a trainer if you need discipline or find a workout buddy.
- If weight is an issue for you, then find a diet or a diet program that is easy for you to stick to. You may want to consult a nutritionist.
- Get a makeover! Hair and makeup for women and hair and grooming for men. Find your own Fab-Five!
- Have your wardrobe reviewed by a friend with good taste or a wardrobe consultant. Women, you don't want to look too frumpy or too trampy. Strive for simple elegance. Some dating advice for women is to remember, a man wants someone they feel comfortable bringing home to meet Mom. Men, you just need to look neat, be well-groomed and dressed in something nicer than a rumpled tee-shirt and jeans!
5. Keep your relationship expectations realistic!
Nothing will scare someone off faster than to start talking about weddings and family stuff too soon! However, don't be afraid to communicate what you are looking for in generalities. For instance you may say, "I'm looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage." If that statement scares away your date, then, so be it! The right person will say, "I want this for myself too and I am looking forward to getting to know you better". The only expectation placed on the relationship is the one of getting to know one another better.
It's better to have a pleasant surprise of everything working out than to be disappointed by out of proportion expectations.
If you implement these five steps, you will see an improvement in your dating experience. At least, you will be pointing yourself in the right direction. Remember, no matter how frustrating dating may seem, it is important to keep a positive attitude about both yourself and dating.
Happy dating!
http://www.articles411.com/Article/5-Ways-to-Improve-Your-Dating-Experiences/54153
Don't you wish you could go onto your favorite online dating website and punch in all the characteristics and qualities of your ideal mate and then, abracadabra that person appears custom made for you?
If you are smart and focused, dreams can come true. First, you need to figure out the information that you would need to input into that computer.
1. You must be honest with yourself and know yourself well.
Consider what your values are while you sit in a nice, quiet place. Values are what you treasure – they are the things that are really important to you. Reflect upon your peak experiences in your life. What made them peak experiences? For example, I love skiing where I am enjoying the beautiful pristine nature and having the feeling of flying down the slopes. My values here are nature and the feeling of freedom.
Another peak experience is giving my husband his recent birthday party. I sent out festive invitations, picked a fabulous restaurant, all our close friends were with us, and my husband was thrilled. The party was a hit! From this, you can see my values are accomplishing something out of the ordinary, being with our close friends and my husband's happiness.
To know yourself well, you also need to get a firm handle of what goals you have in life. What do you want to accomplish in the next year? The next three years? What's your 10 year plan? If you had all the money in the world and nothing to stop you (i.e., any family obligations you may currently have), what would you want to do? What's your top 20 list of the things you would like to do most in the next 10 years?
Why consider all these relationship questions? The reason this is important, is that you want to choose to date people who have similar values as yourself. Also, if you have a life goal that is in conflict with the person that you are dating, this may be a deal breaker. For instance, one of my clients loved the New York area and wanted to live there. The woman he met through an online dating website lived in the Boston area and wanted to remain there with her family and friends. Although there was an attraction, the relationship did not work out because they had different goals on where they wanted to live. The worst situation is to be dating a person for a couple of months before discovering that your goals are totally opposite. For instance, a big dividing point in dating is whether or not you want children. This is a common relationship issue among those who are in the single parent dating category. I had a client who desperately wanted children and dated a guy for several months before finding out he was adamant against having any more children. He was divorced with two children. He didn't want anymore responsibility. She had already fallen in love with him. It was a difficult choice for her, but she had to break up because she knew her goal was to have her own family.
2. Know what your true "must haves" are for a relationship.
Make a list of the things you must have in a relationship. It's okay if your list is 5 items long or 30. It's your list. It may be wise to question whether your non-negotiable is truly non-negotiable or just a want or desire. For instance, some of my "must haves" for a partner were he had to be a non-smoker, had to like (love?) cats, had to be the same religion as I, to have no addictions (alcohol or drugs), and have a steady job and is financially responsible and would support me in my endeavors. Some of my desires were, it would be great if he played tennis, enjoy cultural activities, likes the beach and lived in the DC area. However, I could compromise and live without the last group or find other people to enjoy these things with.
By knowing your "must haves", you will be able to skip over dating people who do not meet your real needs. This will save you time and heartache in the long run.
3. Choose wisely the people you date
Based upon the above knowledge you have gained about your value, needs and wants, it best serves you to decide carefully to choose with whom you spend your time. It is also important to be open to date people who seem like they would be a good match who may not totally "wow" you at first. Some relationships are like smoldering fires and they grow hotter and brighter with time. In contrast, those relationships that are like bonfires at first, may be based on lust and don't usually last very long.
Actually, there have been studies that have shown that women on their first date with a guy may not have been crazy about their dates, but for some reason decided to give the guy a second chance. Many of these women did actually marry the guy!*
Do pay attention to your internal warning signal or your whacko alarm! If something doesn't seem right when talking to the person over the phone, or by your email interactions, then don't pursue it. Your instincts are usually on target.
When you meet someone where your values mesh, then there is a feeling of familiarity. It feels comfortable and you find that you understand each other well. Then add on the same life goals, and shazam! The relationship will just click. It's that simple. Don't waste your time with cute, but inappropriate people unless your time is of little value to you. Choose your dates wisely, and you will have a more enjoyable and hopefully successful dating experience.
4. Be the most attractive you!
Next we're going to talk about your image. Your image matters. According to my research, sloppiness and poor grooming are the top dating turnoffs. Therefore, it is important to make yourself the most attractive person that you can. No matter what you have to work with, one may be able improve with regards to hair, grooming, clothes and weight. Actually, several of my heavy clients that have gotten married. They are able to carry their weight, they have beautiful faces and dress to make the most of their shape. Here are my suggestions:
- Exercise and workout several times a week. Use a trainer if you need discipline or find a workout buddy.
- If weight is an issue for you, then find a diet or a diet program that is easy for you to stick to. You may want to consult a nutritionist.
- Get a makeover! Hair and makeup for women and hair and grooming for men. Find your own Fab-Five!
- Have your wardrobe reviewed by a friend with good taste or a wardrobe consultant. Women, you don't want to look too frumpy or too trampy. Strive for simple elegance. Some dating advice for women is to remember, a man wants someone they feel comfortable bringing home to meet Mom. Men, you just need to look neat, be well-groomed and dressed in something nicer than a rumpled tee-shirt and jeans!
5. Keep your relationship expectations realistic!
Nothing will scare someone off faster than to start talking about weddings and family stuff too soon! However, don't be afraid to communicate what you are looking for in generalities. For instance you may say, "I'm looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage." If that statement scares away your date, then, so be it! The right person will say, "I want this for myself too and I am looking forward to getting to know you better". The only expectation placed on the relationship is the one of getting to know one another better.
It's better to have a pleasant surprise of everything working out than to be disappointed by out of proportion expectations.
If you implement these five steps, you will see an improvement in your dating experience. At least, you will be pointing yourself in the right direction. Remember, no matter how frustrating dating may seem, it is important to keep a positive attitude about both yourself and dating.
Happy dating!
http://www.articles411.com/Article/5-Ways-to-Improve-Your-Dating-Experiences/54153
After Abuse: The Challenging Work of Forging Healthy Relationships
Many people have done the tough work of recovery from sexual abuse, whether with help in therapy or on one's own. It challenges us to the core, but it also frees us, and gives life and possibility where we once felt that we might never get through it.
For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing with one we've been in, after abuse recovery is a fairly smooth process. For others, the challenge holds a range of feelings, such as the longing to be loved, mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even panic. It often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or the belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go through a long period of celibacy, even after sexual abuse counseling. Others might try dating, but find themselves repeating patterns that occurred in abusive relationships, with their new partners. Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be intimate, either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or they might tend to feel more like a sex object, and not be recognized for who they are as a person.
"Healthy Relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing takes place."
But we can love and be loved, trust, and be trusted, again. I have a number of clients who have sexual abuse history, and do the work of recovery, only to discover that they feel handicapped when it comes time to be in a healthy relationship. Yet healthy relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing of sexual abuse issues takes place. I have seen many women and men overcome their fears, and build healthy and loving relationships.
While everyone is different, there are a few common themes that surface for those with a history of abuse. For instance, it's unlikely that one who suffered abuse was taught much about boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any healthy relationship. This comes up in a variety of ways. For example, many couples have learned to be very careful not to say hurtful things to their partner during a fight; they've learned not to be flirtatious with others if they are in an exclusive relationship. These may seem like small concerns, but they actively maintain safety and respect, both for each other and for the integrity of the relationship.
People without abuse history typically recognize when another person (man or woman) is "coming onto" them inappropriately, and they have no trouble telling the "intruder," so to speak, to back off. With abuse history, especially if the abuse was chronic, we don't even recognize inappropriate behavior, because such behavior was "normalized" during one's childhood. ("I thought that was normal!" The abuse survivor then is less likely to take steps to protect oneself, and is left with an array of feelings, including frustration, disappointment, confusion ("How come this keeps happening for me?"), anger, and resignation ("All men/women are like this, they just want me for sex.") How different it becomes when the survivor learns to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, use appropriate boundaries, move on, and then be able to open to what we do want, a person who is respectful, loving, honest, and so on.
"As children, when our parents directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and discount our own truth. As adults, we have to learn to trust our intuition all over again."
Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect of sexual abuse is that we have often lost trust in our intuition. If our intuition told us that something that happened wasn't right, but all the adults in our family said, "I don't see any problem here," or "You're lying! Shame on you!" we get confused. As children we need to trust our parents for our basic survival. When our parents say and do things that directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust mom or dad, and discount ourselves. For children, it's safer this way. But as adults, it takes retraining to trust our intuition again. This is a gradual process, but it can be done. Once we trust our inner knowing more fully, we become confident, more empowered, and more able to receive what is beneficial to us.
Love, trust, intimacy, and ease are not only possible; they are our birthright. We mustn't allow someone else's violation of us to impede our right to love and be loved. Thankfully, we don't have to.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/After-Abuse--The-Challenging-Work-of-Forging-Healthy-Relationships/54575
For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing with one we've been in, after abuse recovery is a fairly smooth process. For others, the challenge holds a range of feelings, such as the longing to be loved, mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even panic. It often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or the belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go through a long period of celibacy, even after sexual abuse counseling. Others might try dating, but find themselves repeating patterns that occurred in abusive relationships, with their new partners. Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be intimate, either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or they might tend to feel more like a sex object, and not be recognized for who they are as a person.
"Healthy Relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing takes place."
But we can love and be loved, trust, and be trusted, again. I have a number of clients who have sexual abuse history, and do the work of recovery, only to discover that they feel handicapped when it comes time to be in a healthy relationship. Yet healthy relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing of sexual abuse issues takes place. I have seen many women and men overcome their fears, and build healthy and loving relationships.
While everyone is different, there are a few common themes that surface for those with a history of abuse. For instance, it's unlikely that one who suffered abuse was taught much about boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any healthy relationship. This comes up in a variety of ways. For example, many couples have learned to be very careful not to say hurtful things to their partner during a fight; they've learned not to be flirtatious with others if they are in an exclusive relationship. These may seem like small concerns, but they actively maintain safety and respect, both for each other and for the integrity of the relationship.
People without abuse history typically recognize when another person (man or woman) is "coming onto" them inappropriately, and they have no trouble telling the "intruder," so to speak, to back off. With abuse history, especially if the abuse was chronic, we don't even recognize inappropriate behavior, because such behavior was "normalized" during one's childhood. ("I thought that was normal!" The abuse survivor then is less likely to take steps to protect oneself, and is left with an array of feelings, including frustration, disappointment, confusion ("How come this keeps happening for me?"), anger, and resignation ("All men/women are like this, they just want me for sex.") How different it becomes when the survivor learns to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, use appropriate boundaries, move on, and then be able to open to what we do want, a person who is respectful, loving, honest, and so on.
"As children, when our parents directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and discount our own truth. As adults, we have to learn to trust our intuition all over again."
Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect of sexual abuse is that we have often lost trust in our intuition. If our intuition told us that something that happened wasn't right, but all the adults in our family said, "I don't see any problem here," or "You're lying! Shame on you!" we get confused. As children we need to trust our parents for our basic survival. When our parents say and do things that directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust mom or dad, and discount ourselves. For children, it's safer this way. But as adults, it takes retraining to trust our intuition again. This is a gradual process, but it can be done. Once we trust our inner knowing more fully, we become confident, more empowered, and more able to receive what is beneficial to us.
Love, trust, intimacy, and ease are not only possible; they are our birthright. We mustn't allow someone else's violation of us to impede our right to love and be loved. Thankfully, we don't have to.
http://www.articles411.com/Article/After-Abuse--The-Challenging-Work-of-Forging-Healthy-Relationships/54575
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