1. You no longer feel compelled to talk about your ex.
Until you have resolved those issues and laid your previous marriage to rest, attempts to turn the other party into a therapist will per se make it a "transitional relationship."
Don't deliver one, and don't agree to be in one. We often wish there were someone to be with while we go through the grieving and healing process. If we're healthy, however, we
don't involve others in this madness (unless we're paying them by the hour to listen). If the other person colludes with you in this, they're not serious either. When you're ready to date, you're fully present and emotionally available to the new person.
2. You are willing to exercise restraint in the physical arena, waiting until you know the person well and know their intentions.
There are many good reasons to postpone sex. Among them: (1) It escalates feelings exponentially (especially for women); (2) It releases chemicals that fog the brain and you need to be paying attention; (3) Those chemicals are designed to cause a strong emotional bond and do you know who you're bonding with yet? (4) Powerful as it is, it can become the focus of all encounters and is a natural arena to play things out in. If there's no relationship around it, you'll
end up arguing about sex instead of what's really bugging you and that's just not fun; and (6) Most of us want faithful partners for marriage. Even if you're coming off 2 years of celibacy, it's hard to convince them you aren't hopping into bed (and therefore likely to continue to hop
into bed) with just anyone, when you just did it with them. Many a good man or woman's been lost over this point, as it's very rarely redeemable.
3. You are appropriately restrained in disclosures.
When you're healing, and looking for sympathy, you like to tell all the bad stuff early on. It's a sign of ambivalence, as it's likely to drive the other person away, and/or attract unhealthy people who are also living in the past. When you're ready to date, you put your best foot forward
and parcel out the downside data slowly, over time and on a need-to-know basis.
4. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines.
And the operative terms here are ladies and gentlemen. Being ready to date for marriage means you're willing to act like a lady or gentleman. You're considerate, use good manners, and behave yourself. If you're the guy, you don't call her at 8 p.m. to come over for a booty call, you call on Weds. for a Saturday night date which involves seeing something besides naked flesh and the top of the ceiling. If you're the woman, you don't unconsciously dare him to stay by showing up with no makeup, frumpy slacks and a stained t-shirt. You dress for the occasion; he deserves your best!
5. You slowly and judiciously introduce family and friends.
In order to bond, you have to get to know each other first, and where kids are involved, you want to know who you're dealing with, so save it. Sometimes we include friends in order to get their opinion, and cling to family as a cushion so we can pretend we're not really dating. When you're ready to date, you go it alone.
6. The focus (or your savior) and/or continually taking the
temperature of the relationship.
Typically after a divorce, you go through an identity crisis. Talking continually about your needs and how you're feeling, and constantly monitoring the relationship is inappropriate. Your date hasn't made any commitment to your needs, and how would either one of you know how the
relationship is going unless you let it. It's too soon to know! When you're ready to date, you concentrate on what you're doing, not how you're doing.
7. You don't check in with your therapist after every date.
Thanks heavens for therapy when we need it, but marriage isn't going to be a triad of you, them, and Dr. Shrink. When you're ready to date, you're confident enough of who you are, and of your relationship skills to just carry on and get in there and make your mistakes like the rest of us.
8. You may use a coach.
Coaching is for going forward, not reviewing the past. A coach can gives you tips and help you stick to the path that will get you where you're going and, yes, give you someone to laugh with as you go through the numbers on your way to the big win.
9. You don't have conflict around dependence.
A healthy relationship involves interdependence. After a divorce, you may be ambivalent, tossing between independence and codependence, fearful of both. This makes it difficult for someone to bond with you, yes? When you're ready to date, you're again interested in a healthy bonding, neither asking them to marry you on the second date (codependence) nor being impossible and fighting them every time they come close (independence).
10. You don't want it too much.
Overdriven strivings it's called-- wanting something too much, or fighting it too much. If you have an overdriven striving to "get a man" for instance -- a warm body to marry -- you'll end up driving it away. It's the attraction principle. When you're ready to marry again, you d-a-t-e.
This means you choose suitable prospective partners and then devote the time and energy to go through the steps necessary to discover the potential in the relationship. Your attitude is that if it works out, that's great. If not, you don't try to get blood out of a turnip, nor do you consider it a
failure. You met someone nice, you had good times although it didn't work for marriage, and you both part amicably and get on with your lives.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your success in dating, relationships,work, transitions, midlife. I train and certify EQ coaches
internationally. Email for info on this fast, affordable,no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.
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