Singlehood can and should be viewed as a special time in your life. It’s vital, especially for Jewish singles, to take responsibility and full advantage of this meaningful stage of your development. Shalom bayit and the quality of your whole life are being shaped while you are single. And again, as everything else, you can approach this stage in your life with the right or the wrong attitude.
Let’s talk about the right attitude, then. As we pointed out in previous articles, Jewish dating has a distinctive purpose – finding the right person to build a happy and lasting marital relationship with. But what Jewish singles need to realize, and the sooner the better, is that marriage is the most extraordinary and unnatural of all human experiences. The misconception that marriage is natural is what makes so many marriages to fail. Attraction is natural, feelings are natural, sexuality is natural… but marriage is something we have to learn and make work.
Of course we all want our marriages to work. How do we go about it, then? How do we, Jewish singles, take advantage of our time alone to make sure our marriages are happy and fulfilling?
A known author and a relationship expert, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, in one of his articles says, that more than anything else, Jewish singles today must learn loneliness. It seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? We have to learn to be lonely in order to be happily “together”. At the same time, I thoroughly agree with this insightful perception – it is impossible to find peace and comfort in a relationship unless you learn to be peaceful and comfortable in your own company.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach continues saying: ”When your loneliness is pleasant and peaceful, not clamouring with the cacophony of desperation, then you will be able to seek out a mate — not only because you need one, but because you want one. And yet, never forget that love is not a luxury, like a pocketbook. It’s a necessity, like food, clothing and shelter. Make sure that there’s room in your life for the real companionship of another individual.”
When you are lonely, you naturally open up to yourself. This, for many people, can be a very painful and uncomfortable experience. But if you give yourself a chance, the initial pain will eventually wear off. And soon you’ll start discovering a new confidence, strength and a deep, profound sense of presence within yourself. This is G-d’s presence; G-d speaks in silence.
If I were to give one advice to all Jewish singles it would be this: it is your job to get to know yourself while you’re still single. Once you know who you are, what is your purpose in this world and what you are willing to give, the challenging task of choosing the right marriage partner, and I dare to say – recognizing your soul mate, becomes the easy bit.
Feel free to visit Jewish Matchmaking and Dating for more information about Jewish Matchmaking and Jewish Dating as well as Jewish Engagement and Wedding.
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