Lindsey is an associate professor in the Department of Communication Studies at New Mexico State University. She teaches communication in friendships and romantic relationships, as well as modern mediums of interpersonal communication, a class on socializing and developing relationships over the Internet.
She also is the author or co-author of several book chapters and articles published in Sex Roles, Human Communication Research, Communication Monographs, Communication Quarterly, Communication Research Reports and the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.
Q: Have the "rules" of dating changed, or it it pretty much status quo?
A: Dating appears to be a much less formal, "ritualized" process these days. That is, dating no longer has to involve the process of boy-asks-girl-out, he picks her up at her house, they go out for dinner and a movie, and they exchange a first kiss on the girl's doorstep. It may be more like "getting together for a drink" after work, or, for people college-aged and below, getting together with friends in a larger group and maybe having interaction one-on-one within the group. These days, people can easily become romantic partners without ever having gone on a single formal date.
Q: Many women complain that chivalry is dead. Do you agree?
A: It may be that chivalry is more confused than it is dead. The other day a guy apologized to me when he opened my car door, saying it was force of habit! I'm pretty sure he apologized because many guys don't know how a woman will perceive chivalry these days; they may fear that it will be regarded as insulting and/or non-p.c. by a woman, rather than regarded as gentlemanly. The simple solution, I think, is for both parties to be just plain polite and thoughtful of others, regardless of their own gender or the gender of others. If you're a guy, open doors for others who are behind you, no matter if they're male or female. If you're a woman, do the same. The difference between politeness and chivalry? Politeness is universally a sign of respect for others, while chivalry can be thought of as unnecessarily protective rather than respectful. In short: Chivalry is out. Politeness is in.
Q: What sort of characteristics are singles today looking for in a mate? Have these changed as a result of societal influences?
A: People are still looking for the same qualities in a mate that they've always been looking for: physical attractiveness; similarity in age, education, socio-economic level and attitudes; a sense of humor; an ability to meet or complement each other's emotional and physical needs; some sort of career ambitions, whether we're talking male or female. Also, most people are still looking for someone that they can marry and/or have kids with. That hasn't really changed at all.
Q: What do you think about "unconventional" ways of dating, such as Internet or speed dating?
A: Meeting and forming relationships on the Internet is rapidly becoming less and less unconventional; nobody is surprised when they hear about it occurring anymore. Internet dating, speed dating, and similar forms of romance are all becoming more popular in general, mostly because they are convenient in terms of time and money. They are well-suited to people from a culture such as the U.S. — people who constantly have to trade off time for money, and who are often too tired to go socializing after a tough day's/week's work. (Want more information on online dating?)
Q: Are the roles of women and men changing or evolving in the dating scene?
A: Along with changes in the formality of dating, there are a few changes in roles. For example, I don't think men are expected to pay for everything when they're out with a woman anymore; there's more of a tendency for the two to go dutch on at least some occasions, or maybe trade off on who pays for outings. Some aspects of roles are surprisingly unchanging, however. While you might expect that girls would be able to ask guys out with impunity these days, it's not proving to be the case. Studies by Paul Mongeau and his colleague during the mid- to late 90s showed repeatedly that if a woman asks a guy out, she's likely to be seen as a "non-serious dater" and more sexually active than a woman who was asked out by a guy. A majority of guys in one study also reported that they had higher expectations for sex on a date when a woman asks them out than vice versa. Though, interestingly, men who were asked out on a date by a woman ended up having sex less frequently than did the guys who asked a woman out.
Q: What are your top three dos and don'ts of dating?
A: Hmmm. Well, I don't know about a specific order, but some definite dos for both genders might be: Have a good idea of what you and the other person would enjoy doing for the evening, then do it. Know how to make interesting conversation; ask the other person questions about him or herself, reveal interesting but not too risky things about yourself, keep the talk positive, and in general, use conversation to search for similarities. If you're heterosexual, learn how to talk like the opposite sex. Remember all your manners, and remember to use them. Also, maintain high levels of gaze (don't avert your eyes from the other person's), and stop thinking about yourself — it'll only make you self-conscious. Focus on the other person instead.
Some dos for guys specifically: Wear some decent clothing; college-aged women complain constantly about men's lack of a decent wardrobe!
Some don'ts for women specifically: Don't feel compelled to talk all the time, learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with silence. And avoid asking too many personal questions.
Some don'ts for both genders: Don't get foolishly drunk, don't talk about previous romances, avoid complaining or negative topics in general. Don't wear too much cologne or perfume, and don't eat spaghetti or anything else that will get all over your face and clothes. Avoid mistaking friendliness for sexual interest, and don't touch too much or crowd the other person's space unless you're invited to do so.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating.html
