More than 1,500 marriages and counting: Volunteer who officiates weddings for county 'loves' his job.

SAN MARCOS -- After performing more than 1,500 marriages at the county assessor's office over the past two years, Ron Barlow has seen it all, he said Friday.

Some people show up for the wedding day in shorts and flip-flops. On one occasion, a couple wore floral print Hawaiian shirts and asked him to wear one too. Another time, a Marine asked Barlow to turn his back while he kissed his bride.

"And I thought Marines weren't afraid of anything," the 69-year-old volunteer said.

He even jokes around, saying that he is waiting for someone to ask him to dress up as an Elvis impersonator, so he can do his rendition of "Burning Love" after the wedding.

But the ceremony that really shook him up, he said, was the day a Marine had a another man stand in for him as proxy, marrying his wife for him, as the Marine watched the entire ceremony on the Internet from Iraq.

"That's the whole point, so he can see it done," Barlow said, adding that in California such a ceremony is perfectly legal.

As far as predicting whether marriages will last, Barlow said it's hard to know for sure, but he has the feeling that among those who stand the greatest chances of success are the people who use Internet matchmaking services where couples are tested for compatibility before they even get together.

"I haven't seen a bad one yet," Barlow said. "They seem to be so perfect for each other. There is no equivocation when I say, will you be faithful?"

Barlow said he got the job after he received a letter from San Diego County Health and Human Services' office of Aging and Independent Services. The letter was asking for a volunteer who enjoyed people to perform marriages, "and I said that's me.

"I think I was the only one who volunteered," Barlow said.

He said he loves it when people get emotional during the ceremony, which usually happens when he gets to the part of the ritual where he says, "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish ... "

"I know I've done my job if they cry," Barlow said.

http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2007/05/29/news/top_stories/1_03_545_28_07.txt

The ‘Modern' man

It was a simple exercise. Students in Juilliard's playwriting program were asked to go around the room and say what one topic they found fascinating but thought other people - like, say, a theater audience - would find boring.

When it was Daniel Goldfarb's turn, he immediately knew his answer: Orthodox Judaism.

As Goldfarb went on to regale his class with funny anecdotes about Orthodox Jewish friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends, he soon realized he wasn't the only one who found the subject fascinating after all. It sparked Goldfarb to write the comedy “Modern Orthodox.” The play, which has received great acclaim off-Broadway, will be presented by the Jewish Community Center's Art & Culture program Oct. 21-Nov. 5.

“Modern Orthodox” started off “being a play about the differences between secular and religious Jews. The humor was blacker,” says Goldfarb, speaking to the CJN from his home in New York City. “But I fell in love with (Orthodox lead character) Herschel while writing it. I could write six plays about him. The play became about commitment and faith. It became more hopeful.”

The playwright, now 33, wrote the first draft of “Modern Orthodox” in 1999. It tells of Ben, a “High Holiday Jew,” who encounters Orthodox diamond dealer Herschel while shopping for an engagement ring. Ben takes an immediate dislike to the tightly wound, blunt, and very religious Herschel; he says he will not buy the diamond unless Herschel removes his yarmulke.

After complying with Ben's demand, Herschel suffers a series of tragic occurrences, including the ending of his own engagement. Herschel shows up on the doorstep of the apartment Ben shares with his girlfriend, the jaded Jewish doctor Hannah, and insists the pair help him find a new bride. He wants them to right the wrong Ben forced upon him.

As Herschel is confronted with Ben and Hannah's modern and more permissive lifestyle, the couple find themselves challenged, at times infuriated, and often moved by Herschel's unshakable faith and adherence to ritual.

Goldfarb acknowledges he's much more of a Ben than a Herschel, yet he flatly rejects the term “secular.”

“I'm really committed to exploring my Jewish identity,” he says, noting that almost all of his other plays have Jewish themes. “I don't go to shul regularly, but I'm not blas' about my Jewishness.”

Goldfarb did very little research to write his play; he simply collected stories from Jewish friends. He did, however, spend quite a bit of time surfing dating websites. At the time Goldfarb first started writing “Modern Orthodox,” JDate and other Jewish matchmaking websites were new fads. “I filled out a profile on JDate as if I were Herschel,” he reveals.

Once interested women started responding, he felt guilty and took “Herschel's” profile down. But, his experience answering Jewish dating questionnaires led to his writing a popular scene in which Ben and Hannah go online to find Herschel a Jewish match.

Goldfarb's parents first took him to see Broadway shows in New York City at age 6. The Toronto native was instantly hooked on the theater and started writing his own short stories “with lots of dialogue.”

He had three one-act plays produced while attending the School of the Arts in Toronto as a drama major, and he knew that playwriting was his calling. He moved to New York at age 19 and attended New York University (NYU) and Juilliard.

After an initial reading at Juilliard, Goldfarb developed “Modern Orthodox” through a series of staged readings, from “just friends of mine doing it” to “fancy” readings featuring stars like Sarah Jessica Parker and Paul Rudd.

The play received its first full performance at the Long Wharf Theatre in New Haven, Conn., in 2000. Then “it took a holiday for three years,” Goldfarb says with a laugh. After several re-writes, including an attempt to adapt it from a play to a movie, “Modern Orthodox” found new life in New York. The play attracted the attention of “American Pie” movie star Jason Biggs and Broadway directing legend James Lapine. It premièred off-Broadway in 2004.

Directed by Lapine, the play starred Biggs as Herschel and '80s film icon Molly Ringwald as Hannah.

“Lightning struck twice,” says Goldfarb. While “Modern Orthodox,” a comedy, was playing on a for-profit stage, another play of his, the naturalistic drama “Sarah, Sarah,” was running in a nonprofit theater. “I felt like I was finally a member of that community I wanted to be a part of my whole life: New York playwrights.”

The success of “Modern Orthodox” landed Goldfarb his next job, co-writing the book of the hit musical “Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me” alongside beloved comedian Martin Short. He's also collaborating on two more musicals and writing (solo) a new original drama, all while teaching play and screenwriting at NYU.

His other new project? Fatherhood. Goldfarb and wife Marianna are expecting their first child in March.

The playwright marvels that his journey has paralleled that of his play's characters. “I wrote ‘Modern Orthodox' single. Then this amazing thing happened - I got engaged right when they decided to produce it. I was in the same place Ben is at the beginning of the play. Three weeks after it opened, I was married. Now, I'm in the same place Ben's in at the end.”

http://www.clevelandjewishnews.com/articles/2006/10/20/features/arts/aarts1020.txt

Online dating skepticism turns into enchantment

If Tanis Cogdell's dial-up Internet didn't take so long to connect, she would have been able to cancel her subscription to eharmony.com. She and David Jamar would never have met, and they wouldn't be getting married June 9

But it did, and she didn't, and they did and they are. Welcome to relationships in the 21st century.

Cogdell, 23, grew up in Eagle River. She is pursuing a nursing degree at University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio. When she and a friend saw a TV ad for the online dating site Thanksgiving weekend, the friend dared her to sign up.

"They give you the first week free, so I said, 'whatever.' "

She filled out a "million questions," and prospects began appearing in her e-mail inbox. Cogdell found little to recommend the first candidates, even though eHarmony professed them to be perfect matches for her profile.

"I thought, 'This is stupid.' I tried to cancel it, but my dial-up connection kept timing out."

Then Jamar's profile showed up in the inbox about the end of December.

"The same day I got the match, I responded with "Hey, I'd like to know more about you," said Jamar, 27.

He lives in Marble Hills, Texas, about 80 miles from Cogdell's home in Pipe Creek.

His friends had urged him to sign up with eHarmony a couple months earlier, but he never progressed to meeting any of the candidates.

"I never was one to date a whole lot," he said in a Southern drawl. "I've had a couple previous relationships that lasted a couple months at a time. But I never knew that there was any future with them like I did with Tanis right off the bat."

eHarmony's guided matching service requires all initial contact to be online. Hopefuls first exchange a list of five questions, followed by lists of must-haves and can't-stands, Cogdell said. You can choose at what step in the communication process you want to show someone your picture. Subscribers decide if and when e-mail addresses and phone numbers are shared.

Jamar's and Cogdell's first e-mails tackled the topics of gender roles, politics and activities they hoped their partner would share.

"David's been with the volunteer fire department for five years, so he said he really hoped his partner would share a spirit of volunteering in the community," said Cogdell, who volunteered as a camp counselor and wrangler at Victory Bible Camp, at her church and with a pregnancy crisis center when she lived in Alaska.

Mostly Cogdell was impressed by his honesty.

"He was never afraid to say he believed in one thing or another before knowing that I was on the same page. He wasn't ashamed to tell me that he really wanted in the future when he got married, for his wife to stay at home with the kids. It's not a very mainstream idea. I've had people look at me like I've got a third eye when I tell them I want to marry and be a mother."

When e-mailing became cumbersome ("She writes novels," Jamar said), they moved to six hourlong phone calls.

Jan. 11, two weeks after their first e-mail, they agreed to meet at a diner near Cogdell's home.

"People I work with said, 'Do you have a bailout plan if it's really horrible?' " Cogdell said.

They talked for four hours, then moved to a coffee shop around the corner for three more hours.

"She was more what I was looking for than I realized," Jamar said. "The first time we met, I had a clue she was the one. She was a Christian woman who was really seeking God, and that was a big determining factor."

Their meeting was 21st-century techy, but their courtship was old-fashioned.

Jamar brought pink (her favorite color) daises to the diner. He held the door for her and paid for lunch. He asked her father's permission before he proposed.

It was Valentine's Day, and they were moving rocks in Cogdell's yard when Jamar made his move.

"He's got this big rock in his hand, making hand gestures, and I'm asking for her hand. He told me that he thought I was right for his daughter, and he'd definitely bless our marriage."

Feb. 17, Jamar told Cogdell he'd be late for the delayed Valentine's Day dinner she planned to prepare at his house that night. He said he'd be practicing storm maneuvers at Enchanted Rock State Park, but he and a friend were actually in Austin, picking out an engagement ring.

It wasn't the first time Cogdell had arrived earlier than expected to clean up the house where a lot of his firefighter friends hang out ("I always say, 'This is where the lost boys live,' " Cogdell said) before making dinner.

"I didn't plan to propose for another week," Jamar said. "But I saw she'd been there and slaved over all this just to make me happy."

Knowing he couldn't keep a secret, he told her after dinner that he wasn't at Enchanted Rock that day, he was out buying an enchanted rock.

"He was kind of shaking," Cogdell said, "and drinking Dr Pepper like it was his job." Her nursing experience caused her to wonder if he was ill.

"It was the most emotional thing I ever went through," Jamar said. "We spent the rest of the evening hugging each other and calling friends and family."

They canceled their subscriptions to eHarmony.

"I got lucky and found someone I'm crazy about, but I could have been on there two years," Cogdell said. "It's kind of a crapshoot."

http://www.adn.com/life/weddings/story/8926677p-8826839c.html

When Things Go Wrong - Part One: The Basics

This has been a very distressing day. Things took an unexpected turn recently and all is not well between myself and a certain ladyfriend of mine. In the process of attempting to set things right it occurred to me that for all we may learn of the proper principles in relating to both friends and lovers, misunderstandings are as unavoidable as a gust of wind on a clear sunny day. Already I know this will have to be part of a series as we take time to look at, not how to avoid problems in our relationships, but how to deal with them when they've already made their presence known. While it would be a tedious, unending task to address every issue under the sun, it's my hope we can look at and employ certain principles that may guide us along.

First we will look at the situation at hand. For now we will deal with the relationship between a man and woman, whether it be as friends or an exclusive relationship since there are certain dynamics at work here that are not always present with same sex friendships. Some problems arise accidentally due to the unintentional act of one partner. We will discuss this instance here in our first installment. In these instances, the problem is due to no predetermined, malicious effort.. but merely a misunderstanding caused by assumption, ignorance or lack of communication.

Part of what makes it such a joy for me as a man to spend time conversing with a woman is to discuss a variety of topics with her and constantly find that even when we agree on any given topic it is often for different reasons or from different viewpoints. Men and women think and react differently, no surprise there. So it must be remembered that when a man and woman attempt to sort out a relationship problem they are still looking at the problem from two very different perspectives, both equally valid.

As a man I've often observed of myself and other men that when we want to discuss a relationship problem our first inclination is to approach it by first dissecting it's origin and then tracing how the repercussions made their conclusion to the problem at hand. However, in listening to what the woman I am sorting the problem with has to say, I've observed she is more concerned with the motivations and state of heart that the actions implied to her. While both viewpoints have their usefulness it should be kept in mind during the heat of discourse that the objective in "working out" issues should not to have a tug of war between 'reason vs. emotion'. Too many times this is easy to do with the man constantly moving the conversation over to "who said what, when and to what end..." while the woman struggles to move the discussion into the area of "why and what did you mean by?..".

Instead, what should be kept in mind is listening with twice the effort as you put into stating your own position. Several years ago I was shopping with a woman with whom I was in a relationship at the time. As we approached the mall door I stepped forward to open the door for her. She is a very clever, intelligent woman and we often made subtle tongue-in-cheek comments to each other along those lines. As she went through the door she smiled and remarked, "Do you always open the door for just -any- woman?" Wanting to be both playful and complimentary I replied, "I always open the door for a beautiful woman." It was only a few moments later that she began to take serious offense to my comment.

She said that she felt offended that I implied I would not open the door for just -any- woman and the further implication being that, had I not considered her beautiful I'd not have opened the door for her. I replied that I had made the comment in the same playful manner I'd taken her question and that there was no reason for her to feel offended. To this she replied, "Whether you feel I have reason or not, I am offended and that is what is at issue."

Even as we were discussing the same event we were talking about two completely different issues. My attention was drawn to observing what had taken place and trying to find where I was at fault. Her attention was on the implications and motivations of what I'd said and how it might reflect what I thought of her. So now... what to do? Two things had to be clarified. One was that I let her know I had not intended the implications she feared. The other was that I acknowledge having offended her and for that I was sorry. This is what we did and the issue was set aside.

But what can happen very easily is that a man may be more concerned with proving his own innocence than he is in hearing that, whether intentional or not, he did something that set his beloved's heart unrest or offense. It is much like stepping on a stranger's toe when in a crowded situation. We look at the person and tell them we're sorry. We say this not because we suddenly regret having some predetermined, malicious intent to purposely step on their toe, but we aplogize because we have caused them some discomfort and inconvenience.

Two important things we must remember about ourselves as people is that we highly value both being heard and having our expressions given due consideration. Even if we are innocent of the "instance" being discussed, if in the course of discussing it we ignore the fact that we have caused someone unrest it is in ignoring their expressions that we are guilty of an actual offense to them. For it is a subtle form of disrespect to essentially argue, "I don't care what you felt, I didn't mean it that way, so drop it." To instead say, "I didn't mean it that way, trust me.. but I did hurt your feelings and for that I am sorry." requires both a strong sense of humility and consideration from ourselves. To some this is considered weak or even an injustice to themselves. But to the one who has their heart set on reconciliation, consideration and love for their beloved, it is yet another intimate expression of our care for their well being.

http://www.singlescafe.net/wrong1.html?authorname=Henry%20Velez

Thoughts About Relationships.

This week I was thinking about some of the lessons and concepts learned by my clients and me. All of these are important and valuable. If you get any one of these and apply it, you will see an immediate improvement in the quality of your relationships. Please take what fits and use it in your life to create relationships you cherish.

Its your job to educate your partner how to treat you so that you feel loved.

Communication doesn't mean talking. It means sharing.

Infidelity is the surest way to destroy a relationship.

Generosity is rarely about money or things. It's mostly about heart.

What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about their unresolved past don't take it personally.

Until you resolve your past you are not free to have a future.

Until you realize that a great relationship is created by who you are being, you won't have one.

Until you love yourself enough to take care of your needs, no one else will.

If you feel empty, a relationship will most likely make you feel emptier.

Compassion for your partner goes a long way to getting what you want.

Sexual intimacy has very little to do with attractiveness and everything to do with emotional intimacy and trust.

Women rarely appreciate money and assistance as a substitute for emotional intimacy.

If your partner continuously says ``There is nothing wrong with me, our problems are all your fault", move on!

This is not a dress rehearsal this is your life and your relationships in progress. When will you start creating it the way you want it to be?

You are not your parents. There is no reason your relationship or life should look like theirs.

Rather than trying to get love and needs met by a partner, go back and get what you need from your parents and yourself.

It's much easier to be yourself than being ``what you think" others want you to be.

Even when someone loves you more than life it self, they will still look out for their interests first.

Being a people pleaser is not an effective way to create good relationships.

If you always take care of someone, you take away their power. They will resent you for it.

Supporting men financially takes away their self esteem. Give them moral support instead.

The best relationships are partnerships.

If you get to be right most of the time and make your partner take all of the blame, you will end up alone.

A relationship with a foundation of dishonesty is like a house of cards.

Grass only looks greener on the other side.

You may secretly wonder if there isn't a better partner out there. This is your mind's way of communicating that you are dangerously close to real intimacy with your current partner.

If your partner says that they are willing to grow and change don't test them. Support them in their commitment.

Emotional maturity is knowing when you are overreacting. Stop and take care of your needs so that you can get back in balance.

What you think you want is often not what you want, but a sideways plot to get your needs met.

If you ask, very often you will receive.

Communication means two way understanding, not one way accusing.

http://www.singlescafe.net/relationshipthoughts.html?authorname=Rinatta%20Paries

The Dangers of Instant Romance

Is love at first sight really possible or is it just infatuation? Does it take time to know whether we are really in love or can we know right away?

While many people believe in love at first sight, at least in principle, most people agree there are dangers in instant romance.

Exactly why is it important to take plenty of time when it comes to getting involved in a relationship? The most important reason is that you really don't know a person until you've spent a great deal of time together. Since you don't really know this person, your feelings of "love" are no doubt based more on fantasy than reality, more on the illusion of who you want him or her to be rather than who he or she really is. You may think you know all you need to know based on your intense attraction but many, many people have had disastrous results from this kind of thinking. you owe it to yourself to take time to get to know a person before getting to deeply involved. It's hard enough to make a relationship nowadays. Why risk a broken heart because you jumped in too fast?

It takes time to get to know one another, to discover whether you have compatible interests, beliefs and values. and it takes time to develop trust and discover whether you are capable of resolving conflicts and disagreements.

While you don't need to view every potential partner as a potential spouse or a major risk, you do want to find out as much about him or her as you can in order to determine if you and your new love interest are compatible and to rule out any potential problems. take the time to get to know someone new by observing him or her in a variety of situations and in various moods. Notice how your new love interest treats other people, what he or she says about other people, and how much of himself or herself he or she is willing to share with you.

Second, if you become involved too quickly you run the risk of being disappointed later on when you discover who your partner really is. We all try to put our best foot forward when we first start dating and most of us are a little dishonest about who we really are when we first meet someone. And many of us have a tendency to idealize a new love interest instead of being willing to really get to know the real person. If this scenario sounds familiar don't continue to set yourself up by rushing blindly into another relationship. Decide that this time you are going to do it differently.

Third, getting involved too quickly can be a sure-fire way to lose yourself. This is particularly true for women. What do I mean by "losing yourself"? When we lose ourselves we lose touch with our sense of self, our identity. We lose track of our real feelings and may begin to question our beliefs, our values and doubt our perceptions. We lose ourselves in relationships by giving up important aspects of our life such as our time with our friends, our time alone, and our time pursuing our hobbies and interests. Before we know it we're spending more time with our partner and his or her friends, doing the things our partner likes to do instead of what we really love to do.

Here are some specific strategies that will help those of you who tend to get involved too quickly to slow down. These strategies will also help discourage a partner who is pushing you to get involved too fast.

1. Instead of misinterpreting your feelings of "instant attraction" as the real thing, begin to view them with a more realistic, skeptical eye. As good as it may feel to be with this new person, if you don't know who he or she really is you are essentially entering into a relationship with a stranger. Don't allow the fact that you've "fallen in love" (or more accurately in lust) with someone blind you to finding out more about him-- his family background, his relationship history, his work history, his plans for the future.

2. No matter how wonderful you feel a new man or a new woman is, go slow. Don't go out more than two times in one week and don't have long phone conversations (more than 20 minutes) more than twice a week. Give yourself time between dates and evenings when you don't talk to one another on the phone. This will give you the opportunity to reconnect with yourself and will help you maintain your sense of separateness.

3. Don't jump into bed right away, no matter how strong the chemistry between you. Having sex too early on makes you extremely vulnerable and will cause you to lose your objectivity and this is what probably got you into trouble in the past. Recent studies have shown that most couples now have four dates before having sex and this sounds fairly appropriate. You need at least this much time to get to know each other and to develop emotional intimacy.

4. Make your decision to have sex a conscious, deliberate one based on whether you are ready for sexual intimacy instead of letting your hormones dictate your behavior. And have a discussion beforehand as to just what type of relationship you are going to have. For example, are you each going to continue to date other people or be monogamous? Are both of you interested in pursuing a committed relationship or not?

5. Don't tell your new love interest your life history on your first few dates. It's important to be open and honest about who you are but it isn't safe or healthy to bare your soul and tell a new man or woman your deepest, darkest secrets when you first meet.

Only time will tell if a new love interest is someone whose habits, values and attitudes are compatible with yours and someone you'll feel comfortable with on a daily basis. We all have an ideal self we present to new partners in order to impress them. Only by being around each other over a period time will you each drop your facades and begin to show your real selves. Make sure you aren't already locked into a commitment by the time this happens.

http://www.singlescafe.net/instant.html?authorname=Beverly%20Engel

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

Dr Jaffer, of Shifa Clinic fame, laments his recently acquired reputation as a sought-after match-maker. [For the record, he is happily married and with a kid, not the result of matchmaking.]

Alright. Fine. So I've been married for 4 years and now have a kid. Does that really make me qualified to match two individuals in holy matrimony?

Apparently so. Our society is strange. And the evolution of our matchmaking process is getting stranger too. Rigid protocols and established norms of who should approach who for help in matchmaking for whom are blurring. Nowadays I meet people,
usually older than me, who tell me I was a lucky (and smart) man to marry young. This may be true. However, now they want to
get married. Desperately. They are tired of a solitary existence and want partnership, companionship; they are looking for
someone compatible with themselves (often, since they are Pakistani or Indians, that means another Pakistani or Indian, respectively). All very moving and heartfelt. But why me?

For years, I've heard elders constantly say things like "Agar voh abhi shaadi nahin kartee hai, to phir kabhi nahin karay gee!" ["If she does not get married now, she will never get married!"]. I
used to scoff at such "bakwaas" [humbug]. Now I'm not so sure. Have you ever tried to find a suitable match for a 33 year-old desi woman? Or for that matter for a 33-year old desi gentleman? Now I know why they're asking for help!

Interestingly, I've recently been asked by so-called "ABCDs" for some fix-me-uppance too. Even more interestingly, despite their attestations that they are not really part of the desi
culture, they seem to prefer people of South Asian descent as well. In fact, some go so far as to say they prefer a person who has "emigrated" from the homeland (versus born in the US). Er. Ahh. Huh?

In college I was involved in volunteer theater productions by an organization called Dramashop. Many people regarded the setup as a 20th
century ritual for matchmaking. Maybe we could use some volunteer theater productions for Desis searching for a mate?
That would hopefully take me off the hotseat of matchmaking.

The reason I'm so against being a matchmaker is that pre-shaadi, I hated all attempts by people (family or friends) to try
and match me up. HATED it. It's my life isn't it, I would say. I could never imagine myself requesting such assistance. When people
come to me, I don't know what to say. I cannot believe they would ask for such aid. I cannot believe they would ask for my aid . I mean, ME? A person so against matchmaking, how could I ever arrange a match following the
proper etiquette ("OK Aunty and Uncle; thanks for the tea and indian grocery store samosas but bottomline: my good friend here is lonely and desperate and wishes to wed your first-born..."?

It must be a chaotic and querilous (and desolate) sea out there if friends I admire (and am very fond of), are grasping at a sea-weed like myself to see them to shore.

Oh well: come one, come all. Matchmaking services provided to all.... grudgingly.

http://www.chowk.com/show_article.cgi?aid=00000190&channel=chaathouse