Rick is quite taken with this cute little brunette at the office. Having been two weeks since she started, it's beginning to dawn on Rick that if he wants her, he's going to have to make a move, and soon... as other guys have also begun to notice her.
He takes a deep breath. Puts on his best smile. And coolly strides across the way to her cubicle. "Hi," he begins, "I'm Rick" and proceeds to be as friendly, charming, and flirtatious as he possibly can. He wants her to know that he's interested... that he's not just another co-worker killing time... so he holds nothing back.
Smiling, complimenting, flirting, gazing seductively into her eyes... he throws everything he's got at her. He's determined not to blow it this time... not to site idly by while yet another 'woman of his dreams' gets seduced by some schmuck unworthy of her magnificence. He's been observing, sitting on the sidelines too long. Heck, he hasn't even had a date in three months.
Unfortunately, Rick begins to notice that Cindy, the new girl, doesn't really appear to be all that taken with his charms. She's not really responding to his flirtatious signals and seductive glances. She's friendly enough. True. But Rick was hoping for some passion in her eyes. A "love at first site" kind of thing. But it looks as though she's just humoring him and being polite. Treating him just like another co-worker. Arggh!
Rick heads back to his cubicle and begins to assess the situation.
"Hmmm. She's definitely friendly... and even cuter up close. But it seemed as though she was just being polite to me. Definitely wasn't much of a spark there. Anyhow it's obvious she's not really attracted to me. Geez, how stupid was it to think she might be interested in me. She probably only goes for the handsome athletic type. And face it, Rick, you're neither handsome nor athletic. A girl that cute could have any guy she wants. I must be an idiot.
"Made a fool out of myself is what I did. Now she probably thinks I'm interested in her. So she'll be trying to dodge me so I can't corner her and ask her out. Women hate making up those excuses to keep from going out with guys like me.
"God how embarrassing. Everybody sitting in that area heard me make a fool of myself. They all know I'm interested in her. Probably all laughing at me... or feel sorry for me. How could I be so stupid?"
Meanwhile, Cindy, still in her cubicle, also begins to give some thought to the situation.
"God, Rick sure is friendly. And he's kinda cute too. And that story he told about Fletcher was so funny. I love guys who can make me laugh. Hmmm. This might just turn out to be pretty cool place to work. In this boring office there appears to be at least one interesting guy after all.
"I wonder if he likes me. He must like me. I can't imagine a guy being that friendly with a girl he's not interested in. Seemed a little flirtatious too... though I'm not sure. I hope so. Wonder if he'll ask me out. That would definitely be a welcome change. Wouldn't mind spending a few hours with him. Heck, I haven't even been on a date in three months."
Meanwhile, Rick continues to beat himself up over making such a fool of himself... all afternoon and all evening. Rick concludes that there's only one way he can escape from this situation with some semblance of his dignity left. He's got to pretend like he doesn't really like Cindy. That he was just being friendly and welcoming the new girl. Blow her off a little and show everyone that he's not really interested. Basically, a kind of "do it to her before she does it to him."
"Yeah. That's it! I'll try to avoid her, then the next time I do have to see her I'll act not quite so friendly, maybe a little less than friendly, so she doesn't get all anxious and think I'm going to hit on her or something. I definitely won't make the mistake of flirting with her again. And if anyone else happens to be around, it'll be a great opportunity for me to show I'm NOT interested in her. Set the record straight so to speak so people will quit talking about me behind my back."
Cindy has also given Rick some more thought that evening. She's thought about it and concluded that Rick is definitely a charmer. He must like her. He was definitely flirtatious. Cindy starts to get excited. She begins to look forward to the next time she sees him. Maybe she'll actually get to go out this weekend.
Well... you can imagine what happened the next time Rick and Cindy bumped into one another. Cindy was delighted to see Rick. She was smiling, happy, and friendly. On the other hand, Rick was sorta cold, unfriendly, and blew her off a little. Rick left feeling slightly better about himself having salvaged a little of his bruised ego. Cindy left baffled. Both left dateless and depressed.
You may be thinking that Rick is an idiot. He had the girl exactly where he wanted her, and threw it all away. Unfortunately Rick, and the above type of unfortunate scenario, is probably more the norm than the exception... repeated countless times each day in offices, classrooms, bars, and every place else imaginable.
Rick's failure in the above situation, and his dismal social life, basically stem from not understanding the principles of flirtatious or overly friendly behavior (OFB from now on) and the resulting lack of confidence that stems from this lack of knowledge.
Basically, most people are somewhat reserved and cautious in their social interactions and need TIME to cognitively process, that is give serious thought to, the behaviors of others... especially when the other person exhibits some type of OFB.
When someone acts in a very friendly or flirtatious manner with you do you usually respond in a very friendly and flirtatious way? Well, if you're like most people the answer is yes... but not always right away or in exactly the same way.
Most of us need time to cognitively process OFB. Extremely friendly or flirtatious behavior is unusual, not something we experience everyday, and can be somewhat shocking to us.
We need time to decide just what it is this overly friendly person is up to. Do they really like us that much? And if so, why? Or is it maybe something else? Maybe they're trying to take advantage of us or have some ulterior motive. Maybe they're just in a good mood today. Maybe they treat everyone in that same friendly manner so that we're really no one special to them. Or a myriad of other possible explanations.
Cindy recognized Rick's OFB but was not quite sure how to react to it. She was somewhat stunned and reacted in a normal, cautious manner. However, after having some time to process the interaction in her mind, she came to the conclusion that Rick was a pretty cool guy. And a pretty cool guy who seemed to be attracted to her.
Cindy reacted in exactly the way Rick was hoping she would... only not right away. Her immediate reactions were cautious and somewhat ordinary, which is what led Rick to believe she wasn't really interested. Only later, after considerable cognitive processing, did the desired response occur.
Rick errs by expecting her to respond in a vivid, positive fashion to his flirtatious behavior - immediately. Rick doesn't understand a particular social-psychological principle which basically goes: when someone that we don't really know all that well exhibits OFB towards us, we find it somewhat shocking. However, once we have had a chance to think about and process their behavior, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that we will develop good feelings about this person and look forward to seeing him/her in the future.
The mistake is simply failing to understand the need for this DELAY in the reciprocation of OFB. If you understand social interactions, and you understand male-female behavior, you can begin to use this WINDOW OF TIME to work Don Juan MAGIC. If you don't? Well, you may have a problem.
For example, Rick's major problem is the way his lack of knowledge concerning women and social interactions manifests itself as a lack of confidence... which works to undermine all of his behavior. As with any of the Don Juan techniques, our assumption is that knowledge breeds confidence. If you understand male-female relationships, and you understand WHY women behave as they do, you will NATURALLY exude an extra-ordinary level of confidence in dealing with them. And confidence can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
Thus, the confident guy (knowledgeable guy) may flirt with a girl time and time again, regardless of whether or not he receives the hoped for response. He feels confident that eventually she will come around and begin to respond positively toward him. His knowledge of the rules governing male-female interactions produces the confidence that leads to an active social life.
The un-confident guy, your average guy like Rick, will flirt maybe once, then spend a great deal of time assessing the girl's response. Usually he'll wind up concluding that her response was inadequate. That she's not interested in him, and that he made a fool of himself. He then goes into a type of "ego-protection mode" in order to salvage some of his self-respect... killing any chances he might have had with her.
Keep in mind that in order to "move someone" from an acquaintance or co-worker toward being a friend or lover, someone has to exhibit some kind of OFB. Someone has to make the first move so to speak and get the ball rolling. Ideally, this is you.
Why you? Well, by subscribing to this newsletter you have essentially decided that you are going to take charge of your relationships and make things go the way you want them to... rather than just rolling with whatever fate happens to toss your way. (You should be commended for this.)
So, imagine that there's a beautiful lady you'd like to get to know better. Maybe it's the ravishing bartender at your favorite pub. Maybe it's the cute blond in your Sociology class. Maybe it's the sexy receptionist at the office. Maybe it's all three... hubba hubba.
Knowing what you now know, you should be EXTREMELY CONFIDENT in your approach. You introduce yourself. Exhibit an appropriate level of OFB. Then (this is the good part) SMILE KNOWINGLY when she responds in a less than enthusiastic fashion.
Her muted response doesn't bother you at all because you are aware of exactly what's going on in her mind... and exactly what WILL BE going on in her mind. You are also aware that the next time you see her, it's highly likely that she will respond to you with an appropriate level of OFB. This "window of time" in which she is cognitively processing your behavior is of great value to you.
Many guys will err at this point by going for a phone number or some type of date. This is "often" a mistake because you have now, all of a sudden, turned your OFB into a come-on. Your intentions (romance, passion, sex) have now become clear to her and she'll respond in a very cautious, suspicious manner. And all of your OFB up until this point will now be re-classified as seduction behavior. And all your future behavior will also be processed through this type of "seduction" filter.
By not going for the phone number or date (during the first conversation or two) you're confusing her, throwing her off guard, and invoking her imagination. She'll be "forced" to think about you and process your behavior in order to decide what exactly it is you're up to. And this will work to your advantage.
Keep in mind that she can sell herself on you much better than you possibly can. By exhibiting OFB toward her, then letting her imagination take over, you are placing yourself in the best possible position. She will imagine you are wonderful, because she's hoping that you are. She may even begin imagining that you are "the one" because she's now hoping so.
So you give it some time. Walk away. Let her imagination take over. Then try not to be too shocked or too ecstatic when she exhibits the expected level of reciprocal OFB toward you the next time you bump into her.
Of course, controlling yourself and playing it cool when women are throwing themselves at you may be a bit more than you can handle. But, hey, nobody ever said being a Don Juan was easy.
http://www.singlescafe.net/patience.html?authorname=Allen%20Thompson
