Imagine that you go to a car dealership and buy a sports car. You take it home, park it in your garage and turn in for the night. The next morning you open up your garage and find a luxury coupe. The sports car is nowhere in sight. Read on to find out what happened with your sports car.
In the marketplace of dating we offer something we think the other party wants. If you are a woman, you may offer your attractiveness. Your calling card may be your wit and humor or your ability to fix and save your partner. If you are a man, you may offer your prowess or masculinity, your success, your desire for the woman, or your charm. The merchandise that we offer varies. We advertise something we think will attract potential partners. That something is a true part of our selves. However, it is only a part of who we are, rather than the whole.
Imagine yourself in a situation with lots of potential partners around you, like a bar, a networking meeting, or a party. Imagine that what you offer is your sensuality if you are a woman or your strong attraction and charisma if you are a man. You meet someone and connect with them. You start dating. You continue to only show your new partner that one side of yourself. The next week, or the next month you start asking for your needs to be met. Because you initially represented only one dimension of yourself your new partner must now decide whether they want all of the other parts of you. The person went and bought a sports car, and ended up with a luxury coupe. The relationship may fall apart because the person you attracted may have been really looking for what you presented upfront and not something else.
I call the thing we offer in the dating marketplace the hook. The hook in this context is a trait or quality that we put up front to represent us to potential partners. What is your hook? Is it sex, money, caregiving, having it all together, your being fun, your strong desire, or something else? What is it that you think you have to offer that is more attractive than yourself? And what if you offered all of yourself?
I don't mean you sit down and tell the person you just met all of your problems and concerns. People probably don't want to hear your life story when they first meet you. I do mean being your self. Be all of who you are right there in the moment. Continue being who you are all through the first stage of the relationship and beyond.
"No one will approach me if I don't have something I am advertising" you may say. It is true that the people you would have attracted by showing a small part of you will probably pass you over. They may not want all of you. However, relationships don't work with people who don't want all of you. On the other hand, you may end up attracting a completely different type of person. They will be attracted to you because you are being you.
So, how do you be yourself in potential partner situations? It's very simple. First figure out what your hook is and then de-emphasize it in your behavior. Second, become present to yourself. Become present to all your needs, wants, thoughts, hopes, aspirations, to everything you are. Don't turn on your charm to attract and keep potential partners, but instead turn on to your self. Turn on to how magnificent you are as a human being even with all your imperfections, needs and wants. And last, as you meet people and spend time with them, come from your self. Be honest. Say what there is to say for you. Who knows, you may get lucky and meet the person who wants you for all of who you are!
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