Is love at first sight really possible or is it just infatuation? Does it take time to know whether we are really in love or can we know right away?
While many people believe in love at first sight, at least in principle, most people agree there are dangers in instant romance.
Exactly why is it important to take plenty of time when it comes to getting involved in a relationship? The most important reason is that you really don't know a person until you've spent a great deal of time together. Since you don't really know this person, your feelings of "love" are no doubt based more on fantasy than reality, more on the illusion of who you want him or her to be rather than who he or she really is. You may think you know all you need to know based on your intense attraction but many, many people have had disastrous results from this kind of thinking. you owe it to yourself to take time to get to know a person before getting to deeply involved. It's hard enough to make a relationship nowadays. Why risk a broken heart because you jumped in too fast?
It takes time to get to know one another, to discover whether you have compatible interests, beliefs and values. and it takes time to develop trust and discover whether you are capable of resolving conflicts and disagreements.
While you don't need to view every potential partner as a potential spouse or a major risk, you do want to find out as much about him or her as you can in order to determine if you and your new love interest are compatible and to rule out any potential problems. take the time to get to know someone new by observing him or her in a variety of situations and in various moods. Notice how your new love interest treats other people, what he or she says about other people, and how much of himself or herself he or she is willing to share with you.
Second, if you become involved too quickly you run the risk of being disappointed later on when you discover who your partner really is. We all try to put our best foot forward when we first start dating and most of us are a little dishonest about who we really are when we first meet someone. And many of us have a tendency to idealize a new love interest instead of being willing to really get to know the real person. If this scenario sounds familiar don't continue to set yourself up by rushing blindly into another relationship. Decide that this time you are going to do it differently.
Third, getting involved too quickly can be a sure-fire way to lose yourself. This is particularly true for women. What do I mean by "losing yourself"? When we lose ourselves we lose touch with our sense of self, our identity. We lose track of our real feelings and may begin to question our beliefs, our values and doubt our perceptions. We lose ourselves in relationships by giving up important aspects of our life such as our time with our friends, our time alone, and our time pursuing our hobbies and interests. Before we know it we're spending more time with our partner and his or her friends, doing the things our partner likes to do instead of what we really love to do.
Here are some specific strategies that will help those of you who tend to get involved too quickly to slow down. These strategies will also help discourage a partner who is pushing you to get involved too fast.
1. Instead of misinterpreting your feelings of "instant attraction" as the real thing, begin to view them with a more realistic, skeptical eye. As good as it may feel to be with this new person, if you don't know who he or she really is you are essentially entering into a relationship with a stranger. Don't allow the fact that you've "fallen in love" (or more accurately in lust) with someone blind you to finding out more about him-- his family background, his relationship history, his work history, his plans for the future.
2. No matter how wonderful you feel a new man or a new woman is, go slow. Don't go out more than two times in one week and don't have long phone conversations (more than 20 minutes) more than twice a week. Give yourself time between dates and evenings when you don't talk to one another on the phone. This will give you the opportunity to reconnect with yourself and will help you maintain your sense of separateness.
3. Don't jump into bed right away, no matter how strong the chemistry between you. Having sex too early on makes you extremely vulnerable and will cause you to lose your objectivity and this is what probably got you into trouble in the past. Recent studies have shown that most couples now have four dates before having sex and this sounds fairly appropriate. You need at least this much time to get to know each other and to develop emotional intimacy.
4. Make your decision to have sex a conscious, deliberate one based on whether you are ready for sexual intimacy instead of letting your hormones dictate your behavior. And have a discussion beforehand as to just what type of relationship you are going to have. For example, are you each going to continue to date other people or be monogamous? Are both of you interested in pursuing a committed relationship or not?
5. Don't tell your new love interest your life history on your first few dates. It's important to be open and honest about who you are but it isn't safe or healthy to bare your soul and tell a new man or woman your deepest, darkest secrets when you first meet.
Only time will tell if a new love interest is someone whose habits, values and attitudes are compatible with yours and someone you'll feel comfortable with on a daily basis. We all have an ideal self we present to new partners in order to impress them. Only by being around each other over a period time will you each drop your facades and begin to show your real selves. Make sure you aren't already locked into a commitment by the time this happens.
http://www.singlescafe.net/instant.html?authorname=Beverly%20Engel
