One Hears Some, Other Hears Less
About Deafness/HOH received the following e-mail, which was posted to the forum. It started one of the most interesting relationship discussions ever held on the forum.I am HOH and come from a late deafened family.I started losing my hearing in my teens. I didn't learn to sign until much later and my skills still are not perfect, but I would like them to be. I can't get any practice though.
I am with a Deaf man who is very sweet but he has been cast out of the community because HOH are not supposed to date Deaf, apparently. We tried to get involved here but noone would sign to me because they were trying to punish him for being with me instead of a Deaf woman. He has resisted the pressure, but people call him a traitor and use that rude sign for "hearing in the head" to him, which hurts him a lot.
I can understand why Deaf don't want just anyone coming into the community,and I understand that as I have been discriminated against too now that I dont' hear much at al. But I don't know why some tend to look down on deaf people who are Oral or learned to sign later or were mainstreamed. These were decisions their parents made, not them. It's not their fault. I also really don't understand why HOH can't date Deaf either. I get the same treatment from Hearing people that many Deaf have gotten because I don't hear much anymore, and I do support Deaf culture. But the Deaf culture around here has acted like I am trying to steal away one of their best Deaf and won't let us in. They have told him that the only way they will allow him to come back is if he dumps me and dates only Deaf women. Are there other HOH/Deaf or even Hearing/Deaf couples who have been shunned from the local community? Why does this happen? I am more than willing to live a Deaf life because we plan to marry and I want him to be happy, but no one is giving us the opportunity. I am starting to wonder if the high divorce rate between Deaf/non Deaf or HOH is because of the isolation and pressure that is put on these couples. Right now we are stuck in the Hearing world with only a very few Deaf who will talk to us, and we are trying to find a better Deaf community that is more openminded about Deaf/HOH romantic relationships. Does anyone know if such a place exists?
HOH Shouldn't Date Deaf?
Selected comments from forum members and About visitors follow:
"I'm very sorry that this persons local Deaf community feels this way ... lucky I don't think it's the "typical" feeling of most Deaf communities. I'm HoH , and have never felt anything other then welcome in the Deaf community, The Deaf community here has many people who refer to themselves as hoh, and Deaf. Here acceptance into the community seems to be much more about shared values, langauge, history , then about points charted on an audiogram."
ANIJ21
"I am starting to wonder if the high divorce rate between Deaf/non Deaf or HOH is because of the isolation and pressure that is put on these couples."
Is it true that there is a high divorce rate on these couples? My folks live in a retirement community where half of every couple seems to be pretty deaf and no one blinks an eye.
Also I have been married a couple decades to a hearing man. No problems. My lonliness stems from little exposure to the deaf community.
I wonder if this couple might find acceptance among the hearing majority if they are barred from the Deaf?"
TOADIETOES
"I just recently broke up with my high-status culturally Deaf boyfriend. I am HOH but late deafened as well. We did not break up bec of communication problems, I am pretty fluent in ASL and in group situations, I made sure whether hearing or not, that everyone knew how to sign or at least fingerspell or was willing to write to my boyfriend. Any friends I had who refused to do this, I gradually stopped hanging with. I can talk pretty well, so people assume I am hearing. Not the case. But would like to say to all the people who grew up culturally Deaf and who now refuse to date hearing people because of a few bad experiences that this is not really necessary. It's like eating one bad orange, without realizing it was that one that was rotton, not the fruit itself. It also doean't mean that all hearing are like that, tho more are than should be. No one should have to put up with hearing who refuse to learn to sign, but just because some wont is no reason to assume that everyone who is hearing will behave like that.
Will also mention that this Deaf community(where we live, won't say where) makes dating Deaf very hard if you are HOH. They snub a lot and can be very prejudiced about it, saying I was stealing him from the Deaf community and that he was a traitor for not dating a Deaf woman. I wanted to live in the Deaf world with him, but the Deaf community around here refused to let us, ignoring us and sending him nasty emails and backstabbing. I am sad about that and all the pressure that was put on him. Seems like there is no support for mixed relationships in the Deaf
http://deafness.about.com/cs/friendshiparticles/a/hohanddeaf.htm
