Millions of people are "e-dating" in the hopes of finding that perfect someone. Online dating services such as Match.com Match.com and love@aol.com are thriving as men and women post ads and photos of themselves in search of the perfect mate.
Indeed, most relationship counselors, including The Rules Girls, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, agree that logging on can be a great way to meet your match.
The Advantages of Online Dating
Dr. Ellen Kriedman (also known as Dr. Ellen) says online dating is an advantage for people who are uncomfortable about meeting people in public places, or who are new to an area. Online dating services also can be a good option if you frequently travel for work or have children or other responsibilities that make going out to meet people difficult.
What's more, you're not confined to the area where you live. You can search the world, since you have international access via the Internet.
And you can meet people without fear of commitment. Online dating services provide chat rooms that allow you to get to know someone before you exchange photos or phone numbers.
In addition, most sites allow the user to place a photo along with a personal ad, and some even have audio capability so you can listen to your potential soul mate's voice. While this may sound a bit superficial at first, Internet dating actually takes the whole "meat market" aspect out of the dating process because it allows you to weed out the players.
Choosing an Online-Dating Service
With so many online dating services out there, picking one can be difficult. Dr. Ellen advises people to do their homework. Shop around until you find one that best suits your particular needs. Narrow your search by looking at services that specialize in matching people with similar interests. For example, you might consider a dating service for people who share the same religious faith, like BigChurch.com, ChristianCafe.com or JDate.com; if you're a sports enthusiast, you might check out fitness-singles.com. The list goes on …
While e-dating is a dream come true for some, The Rules Girls warn that an e-courtship has more dating hazards than ever — and they're not what you think! Whether you meet online, at work, or in a bar, email has become an integral part of most relationships, so you need to be prepared to handle a cyber relationship.
The Pitfalls of Email Courtship
Fein and Schneider say email is just like a phone call if it leads to a date. But there are pitfalls unique to the medium. For one thing, it's very easy to be seduced by the informality of email or instant messaging.
Remember the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when Bridget (Rene Zellweger) gets lured into sexually charged email banter initiated by her boss (Hugh Grant)? Conducting e-relationships can be tricky because, as Bridget found out, email often allows people to become too casual too fast. Fein and Schneider advise that "less is more" when writing a personal ad, email or instant message. Too many intense feelings can scare men and women away.
And online dating can make it more difficult to weed out the "undesirables." Fein and Schneider counsel many women who become involved in "fantasy relationships" that never materialize. Fantasy men typically chat up a storm and never ask the woman out.
Finally, don't believe everything you read. Most online dating services ask participants to fill out long questionnaires about themselves. Women usually put a lot of thought into these, but men don't. A man may indicate that his favorite movie is When Harry Met Sally and he loves romantic walks on the beach. This will certainly attract women. But, in reality, most men would choose to watch basketball on TV over the beach walk, and Dirty Harry is a more likely contender in the "Favorite Movie" category.
Make Sure to Delete Mr. Wrong
"Little white lies" on someone's profile may be harmless, but there are some creeps trolling the online dating services. If you're going to cyber date, here are some screening tips to help you delete Mr. Wrong:
* Ask a man for a photo. If he doesn't send one, or keeps making up excuses, there's something wrong. Of course, if he has too many photos with his ad, that can be equally problematic.
* Ignore men who write form letters or send only a "wink" or a "rose," or who write something like "you're sexy."
* Don't answer email from men with "player" names, such as "MeTarzan."
Sherrie and Ellen also advise women not to "have sex" online. The Rules girls say, "Delete/Next" to these men.
A Word About Online Dating Safety
If you meet someone online, take it slowly. You may think that you know the person because you have been corresponding via email, but remember to use common sense.
* Guard your anonymity. Most online dating services use a "double blind" system that protects your identity. Be sure not to include your last name, address, place of work, phone number or any other identifying information when corresponding online.
* Request a photo. Appearance can help you determine whether the person is someone you want to correspond with. If the person doesn't send a photo and makes excuses, stop corresponding with him.
* Speak on the phone. While the Rules Girls advise women not to push the "relationship" from email to phone (let the man call you!), a phone call can reveal much about a person's social skills. If you decide to speak with someone on the phone, give your cell phone number or ask the person for his number. Also use telephone-blocking techniques so he can't get your number through caller ID.
* Meet in a public place. If you decide to meet, choose a safe place, such as a restaurant during a busy time. Tell a friend where you're going and what time you plan to return. Give your friend the person's name and phone number. Never arrange for someone to pick you up at your home or office. Take your own transportation. When the date is over, do not allow the person to follow you.
* Watch for warning signs. If a person displays anger, tries to pressure you, gives inconsistent information about himself (even age!), refuses to speak to you on the phone after you've established an email correspondence, something isn't right. Move on.
* Protect yourself. If you feel uncertain about someone, get offline. If you're in a public place with a person, excuse yourself and call a friend from the ladies room and ask that person to come and meet you. If you feel unsafe, call the police. Don't be embarrassed. Be safe.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/cyberdating.html
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Dating After 40: What's New?
For years I wondered if there was some new way to go about dating; some secret approach that no one had discovered yet. But alas, the older I get, the less I'm inclined to believe in such secrets.
One thing I've learned, however, is that the dating "basics" are still the same as when women were "foxy," and men were "fine" (and if you're unfamiliar with those terms, you're definitely not over 40. But stick around, you might learn something anyway.)
When it comes to dating, the three principles are: 1) relax, 2) pay attention and 3) be yourself.
In my opinion, most people set the bar far too high when it comes to dating. C'mon, it's not that serious. It's supposed to be FUN!
So, here are some tips for those of you who are just getting out of a marriage and haven't got a clue (or for those of you who are over 40, single and have never had a clue):
* Relax
I can't over-emphasize this enough. Take a tip from the "younger" set and "just chill." Don't look at your date as the answer to all of your problems — your ills, shortcomings, things you didn't get as a child, things you did get and want to keep getting, or any other entitlements on your list. Rather, enjoy your date's company and look at the experience as a chance to make a new friend, or to be enlightened on a subject you knew little about before the date. Because at this stage of the game it means nothing, and therefore nothing should be read into the experience. Period.
* Pay Attention…
…From the first date to whatever transpires over the next few months. Remember, even though you're still "chilling," if you've gotten past the first few dates, it's time to show the other person you are sincere about getting to know them. Let's stop right here and think about that phrase (go back and say it out loud if you need to)…OK, now ask yourself, did you really get to know the person during those first few dates, or were you concentrating on your needs again and what you want and expect? This is where many of us get into trouble — especially women.
Avoid tunnel-vision: 1) how much money he makes, 2) what kind of car he drives, 3) how he dresses, and keep an open mind about his potential as a mate (if that's what you're looking for) based on what you've learned about him already.
This openness can spare you from wasting time in dead-end relationships, because you'll find out all you need to know about the person simply by listening to him and observing his actions.
I've heard so many horror stories from women and men who didn't pay attention and missed those all-important clues that told them it was time to move on. And believe me, you know what those clues are — that funny feeling in your gut that tells you something isn't quite right.
* Be Yourself
I know you've heard this before, but if you still find yourself acting weird on a date, then you've not been heeding this warning. Keep in mind that the other person is nervous too; it's natural. Meeting a complete stranger (or if a friend introduced you, a once-removed-complete-stranger) can make anyone uncomfortable. By being relaxed and acting natural, you can help your date do the same.
Dating Pet Peeves
Now that we've got the principles of dating down, let me share my pet peeves.
* Dating Pet Peeve No. 1: The guy who has to tell me all his personal business in the first five minutes upon meeting him. This signals that he's impatient and wants to cut to whatever chase he has in mind. Usually, this man is scared to death of growing old alone and doesn't want to waste time.
What to do? Avoid this type like the plague and remember this: your 40-plus age doesn't negate the need to take your time.
* Dating Pet Peeve No. 2: When a guy tries to impress me with all the things he says he owns. I emphasize "says" because how do I know he's telling the truth? I haven't seen his things have I? No. And besides, when you're over 40, you probably already have things and you're likely now looking for "substance."
Frankly, my best advice is to take it all with a grain of salt, be nice and when the date ends, rely on your gut to tell you your next move.
To be blunt, dating is a way to search the marketplace for someone who's compatible with your values, likes and dislikes. Things like who pays for dinner, whether you meet him at the restaurant or get picked up, or who calls whom first, is basically kids' stuff.
Bottom line: Do what you feel comfortable with and don't let convention (or your friends) rule. If it feels right it probably is, and if it doesn't feel right, follow your intuition, which at 40-plus should be nothing new.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/overforty.html
One thing I've learned, however, is that the dating "basics" are still the same as when women were "foxy," and men were "fine" (and if you're unfamiliar with those terms, you're definitely not over 40. But stick around, you might learn something anyway.)
When it comes to dating, the three principles are: 1) relax, 2) pay attention and 3) be yourself.
In my opinion, most people set the bar far too high when it comes to dating. C'mon, it's not that serious. It's supposed to be FUN!
So, here are some tips for those of you who are just getting out of a marriage and haven't got a clue (or for those of you who are over 40, single and have never had a clue):
* Relax
I can't over-emphasize this enough. Take a tip from the "younger" set and "just chill." Don't look at your date as the answer to all of your problems — your ills, shortcomings, things you didn't get as a child, things you did get and want to keep getting, or any other entitlements on your list. Rather, enjoy your date's company and look at the experience as a chance to make a new friend, or to be enlightened on a subject you knew little about before the date. Because at this stage of the game it means nothing, and therefore nothing should be read into the experience. Period.
* Pay Attention…
…From the first date to whatever transpires over the next few months. Remember, even though you're still "chilling," if you've gotten past the first few dates, it's time to show the other person you are sincere about getting to know them. Let's stop right here and think about that phrase (go back and say it out loud if you need to)…OK, now ask yourself, did you really get to know the person during those first few dates, or were you concentrating on your needs again and what you want and expect? This is where many of us get into trouble — especially women.
Avoid tunnel-vision: 1) how much money he makes, 2) what kind of car he drives, 3) how he dresses, and keep an open mind about his potential as a mate (if that's what you're looking for) based on what you've learned about him already.
This openness can spare you from wasting time in dead-end relationships, because you'll find out all you need to know about the person simply by listening to him and observing his actions.
I've heard so many horror stories from women and men who didn't pay attention and missed those all-important clues that told them it was time to move on. And believe me, you know what those clues are — that funny feeling in your gut that tells you something isn't quite right.
* Be Yourself
I know you've heard this before, but if you still find yourself acting weird on a date, then you've not been heeding this warning. Keep in mind that the other person is nervous too; it's natural. Meeting a complete stranger (or if a friend introduced you, a once-removed-complete-stranger) can make anyone uncomfortable. By being relaxed and acting natural, you can help your date do the same.
Dating Pet Peeves
Now that we've got the principles of dating down, let me share my pet peeves.
* Dating Pet Peeve No. 1: The guy who has to tell me all his personal business in the first five minutes upon meeting him. This signals that he's impatient and wants to cut to whatever chase he has in mind. Usually, this man is scared to death of growing old alone and doesn't want to waste time.
What to do? Avoid this type like the plague and remember this: your 40-plus age doesn't negate the need to take your time.
* Dating Pet Peeve No. 2: When a guy tries to impress me with all the things he says he owns. I emphasize "says" because how do I know he's telling the truth? I haven't seen his things have I? No. And besides, when you're over 40, you probably already have things and you're likely now looking for "substance."
Frankly, my best advice is to take it all with a grain of salt, be nice and when the date ends, rely on your gut to tell you your next move.
To be blunt, dating is a way to search the marketplace for someone who's compatible with your values, likes and dislikes. Things like who pays for dinner, whether you meet him at the restaurant or get picked up, or who calls whom first, is basically kids' stuff.
Bottom line: Do what you feel comfortable with and don't let convention (or your friends) rule. If it feels right it probably is, and if it doesn't feel right, follow your intuition, which at 40-plus should be nothing new.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/overforty.html
Office Romance: When Does It Make Sense to Mix Business With Pleasure?
Maybe you're not the type to pursue online dating, but have you considered office romance? Romance at work can be tricky, and maybe you've looked at office romance advice before. You may want to give office romance another try — four out of every 10 people meet their spouse at the office through office romance.
A study by Vault.com shows that almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone at work and that workplace relationships often can be successful; roughly one-quarter result in long-term relationships and even marriage.
Dennis Powers, author of The Office Romance: Playing With Fire and Not Getting Burned (AMACOM, 1998), says it's time that businesses acknowledge that office romances are acceptable and normal. He predicts that many businesses will lighten up and establish guidelines that allow employees to manage workplace dalliances.
Yet, when it comes to office romance, most experts, particularly human resources managers and employment lawyers, believe that romantic liaisons in the workplace can be a lose-lose situation if you're not careful.
According to a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management, 58 percent of executives view office romances as unprofessional; 38 percent believe they end in disaster; and many more believe that they wreak havoc on morale. And, let's not forget that office affairs have the potential to lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.
So, if you're going to mix business with pleasure, heed some advise from the experts.
Maintaining the Balance
Joni Johnston, Ph.D., CEO of WorkRelationships.com, says you need to be on your best behavior when you're involved with someone at work. Keep your relationship as professional as possible during the day. That means no public displays of affection. Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than seeing co-workers smooching.
If you find it difficult to keep your hands off your office amour, just remember how hard you've worked at your career. You don't want to jeopardize it. The time spent flirting or sending e-mail back and forth can affect your job. The Society for Human Resource Management advises employees to remain focused at work.
The Rules Girls, Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein, authors of The Rules For Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Pocket Books. 2002), advise women to respond to only one out of every four non-business e-mails while in the office. You never know who may have access to your e-mail.
Don't Date the Boss
Not all office romances are created equal. According to Lisa Mainiero, author of Office Romance: Love, Power and Sex in the Workplace (Rawson Associates, 1989), the best office-dating scenario is when peers from different departments date. Her research shows that co-workers generally accept peer relationships within their departments. However, she adds that it's important to remember that, down the road, the two of you may be competing for promotions and raises. You also may have to worry about the boss's approval.
Fifty-five percent of employers and employees polled by Vault.com think it's unacceptable for a manager to date a subordinate. Even if a boss-subordinate relationship is not forbidden, think of the ramifications:
* Your colleagues may turn on you. There's always a double standard at play. You may be a competent worker, but as soon as you start dating the boss, the perception will be that your relationship is fueling your career. This is especially true if you're receiving promotions or given a corner office or other perks that may appear to be the result of favoritism.
* You could jeopardize your career. If you dump your boss, think how your career could be affected. Your boss could find endless ways to make your workday miserable, or even jeopardize your success in the company.
If you're still unsure about the "Don't date your boss" rule, Advice Sister Alison Blackman Dunham, co-author of Recruiting Love: Using Business Skills You Have to Find the Love You Want (Cyclone Books, 1998), says you need to determine if you'd be willing to leave your job if the situation became too uncomfortable after a breakup. On the other hand, says Lisa Mainiero, if you can't live without each other, get your reporting structure changed.
Five Ways to Mix Work and Romance
1. Date someone you already have a relationship with. Johnston says that you'll have some form of trust if you have a working relationship before you date. If you must date the cute guy in another department, take things slow until you determine whether you both have the emotional maturity to handle a workplace relationship.
2. Be honest. Powers says that when dating at work you need to have similar expectations about where the relationship is going and communicate them to one another from the start. If one party is looking at having a long-term relationship, and the other one is looking for a fling, that relationship will have problems.
3. Set boundaries. If you become involved with someone at work, discuss how you'll handle office situations. Will you tell anyone? Will you discuss personal matters at work or work matters on a date? It may seem unromantic, but it'll help keep your professional life and love life on track.
4. Maintain relationships outside of work. Enjoy activities away from the office. If your job goes sour or your relationship falls through, you'll be glad to have other support mechanisms and sources of satisfaction in your life.
5. Break up gently. Let's face it, most dating relationships end. Discuss how you will handle a breakup from the beginning, advises Powers. Show some consideration. It's easier if you're the one who initiates the breakup. And, if you're going to break up, do it on Friday, don't wait until Monday.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/office_02.html
A study by Vault.com shows that almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone at work and that workplace relationships often can be successful; roughly one-quarter result in long-term relationships and even marriage.
Dennis Powers, author of The Office Romance: Playing With Fire and Not Getting Burned (AMACOM, 1998), says it's time that businesses acknowledge that office romances are acceptable and normal. He predicts that many businesses will lighten up and establish guidelines that allow employees to manage workplace dalliances.
Yet, when it comes to office romance, most experts, particularly human resources managers and employment lawyers, believe that romantic liaisons in the workplace can be a lose-lose situation if you're not careful.
According to a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management, 58 percent of executives view office romances as unprofessional; 38 percent believe they end in disaster; and many more believe that they wreak havoc on morale. And, let's not forget that office affairs have the potential to lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.
So, if you're going to mix business with pleasure, heed some advise from the experts.
Maintaining the Balance
Joni Johnston, Ph.D., CEO of WorkRelationships.com, says you need to be on your best behavior when you're involved with someone at work. Keep your relationship as professional as possible during the day. That means no public displays of affection. Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than seeing co-workers smooching.
If you find it difficult to keep your hands off your office amour, just remember how hard you've worked at your career. You don't want to jeopardize it. The time spent flirting or sending e-mail back and forth can affect your job. The Society for Human Resource Management advises employees to remain focused at work.
The Rules Girls, Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein, authors of The Rules For Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Pocket Books. 2002), advise women to respond to only one out of every four non-business e-mails while in the office. You never know who may have access to your e-mail.
Don't Date the Boss
Not all office romances are created equal. According to Lisa Mainiero, author of Office Romance: Love, Power and Sex in the Workplace (Rawson Associates, 1989), the best office-dating scenario is when peers from different departments date. Her research shows that co-workers generally accept peer relationships within their departments. However, she adds that it's important to remember that, down the road, the two of you may be competing for promotions and raises. You also may have to worry about the boss's approval.
Fifty-five percent of employers and employees polled by Vault.com think it's unacceptable for a manager to date a subordinate. Even if a boss-subordinate relationship is not forbidden, think of the ramifications:
* Your colleagues may turn on you. There's always a double standard at play. You may be a competent worker, but as soon as you start dating the boss, the perception will be that your relationship is fueling your career. This is especially true if you're receiving promotions or given a corner office or other perks that may appear to be the result of favoritism.
* You could jeopardize your career. If you dump your boss, think how your career could be affected. Your boss could find endless ways to make your workday miserable, or even jeopardize your success in the company.
If you're still unsure about the "Don't date your boss" rule, Advice Sister Alison Blackman Dunham, co-author of Recruiting Love: Using Business Skills You Have to Find the Love You Want (Cyclone Books, 1998), says you need to determine if you'd be willing to leave your job if the situation became too uncomfortable after a breakup. On the other hand, says Lisa Mainiero, if you can't live without each other, get your reporting structure changed.
Five Ways to Mix Work and Romance
1. Date someone you already have a relationship with. Johnston says that you'll have some form of trust if you have a working relationship before you date. If you must date the cute guy in another department, take things slow until you determine whether you both have the emotional maturity to handle a workplace relationship.
2. Be honest. Powers says that when dating at work you need to have similar expectations about where the relationship is going and communicate them to one another from the start. If one party is looking at having a long-term relationship, and the other one is looking for a fling, that relationship will have problems.
3. Set boundaries. If you become involved with someone at work, discuss how you'll handle office situations. Will you tell anyone? Will you discuss personal matters at work or work matters on a date? It may seem unromantic, but it'll help keep your professional life and love life on track.
4. Maintain relationships outside of work. Enjoy activities away from the office. If your job goes sour or your relationship falls through, you'll be glad to have other support mechanisms and sources of satisfaction in your life.
5. Break up gently. Let's face it, most dating relationships end. Discuss how you will handle a breakup from the beginning, advises Powers. Show some consideration. It's easier if you're the one who initiates the breakup. And, if you're going to break up, do it on Friday, don't wait until Monday.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/office_02.html
Dating in the New Millennium
Since the dawn of the New Millennium, many people feel that dating rules have changed — so much so that people are constantly looking for dating tips and advice to know how to date in the New Millennium. With today's dating styles as varied and eclectic as Elton John's wardrobe, it's difficult to draw any distinctions on the modern rules of love and dating.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating_rules.html
So, Discovery Health Online asked 17 single men and women, ages 19-35, what they think about the rules of dating in the 21st century.
Emily, a 29-year-old graduate student, says: "If there are rules, they are a non-conscious part of my ideology. I date such vastly different people, I don't even know what common thread would align them on the rules scale."
Many singles are finding themselves in the same situation, not knowing what rules apply to dating in the new millenium.
Sam, 24, confesses: "I can't read women anymore. Some women want men to act out the traditional chivalrous role. Others are extremely independent and are offended if you open the door for them."
Unfortunately, for Emily and Sam, the rules of dating may never be definitive, but there are still a few universal dos and don'ts of dating upon which many singles — and experts — can agree.
Dating Dos
- Be attentive to your date. When faced with the dilemma of whether to bare all or listen attentively, many singles prefer to listen. Lori is a 22-year-old college student who feels she's nailed the role of "listener". "If you listen to your date, they think you're interesting even though you haven't actually said anything. Just keep asking questions and they'll think you're brilliant and fascinating."
- Maintain eye contact. Just make sure it's not too intense. Remember, you aren't a hawk eyeing it's prey.
- Plan your date out ahead of time. Avoid falling into the vicious cycle of saying, "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Decide on something and do it. Be open to other suggestions if your plans don't work out.
- Meet in a public place on your first date. Not only is this a safe idea, it also allows for distractions should conversation lag. Rick, 24, agrees: "Leave the one-on romantic dates for when you really feel you are into a person."
- Offer to split the bill. The issue of "who pays" is probably one of the largest sources of confusion for singles. Most people today feel that the bill is the responsibility of the party that asked for the date. That said, it is courteous to offer to "go Dutch" and you should always be prepared to split the costs. If your date does pick up the tab, offer to pay the next time.
- Act chivalrous. Men, the women's liberation movement may have provided women with the means to financial independence and positions of power, but this does not mean that she no longer appreciates those little things that make you a gentlemen. Open doors for your date, pull out her chair for her, make sure she gets home safely. These are the things that make a good impression. Sarah, 31, believes: "If used correctly, chivalry is the charm of all charms; if overused, it seems like machismo."
- Followup with your date. Call or email your date to let them know you had a good time. This doesn't have to be a plea to see them again right away. It's simply a courtesy. If your date had an enjoyable time too, this will be icing on the cake!
- Crack jokes. Not only will this put your date at ease, it will show them you have a sense of humor.
- Discuss heavier topics. Let's face it, some people SHOULD stick to small talk, but if you're informed on a topic, go ahead and discuss it. If you find some topics appropriate and your date finds them taboo, it may be better to realize this early on.
Dating Don'ts
- Don't act distracted during a date. Turn off your cell phone and keep your eyes from wandering. Nothing will show a greater lack of interest on your part than fielding phone calls and checking out the waitstaff.
- Don't turn your date into a therapy session. Avoid subjects like your ex, your bad relationship with your mother or your growing sense of insecurity over the strange growth you've discovered on your back.
- Don't be pretentious. Nobody is perfect and nothing is more annoying than someone who acts like they are.
- Don't agree for the sake of agreeing. It's important to stand your ground and let your date know where you stand on certain topics. The point is getting to know one another. Most people enjoy intellectual argument, as long as you avoid insulting your date's intelligence.
- Don't try to make any uninvited physical advances. There are so many different opinions on what is acceptable, physically, on a date. Cara, 29, holds the opinion that if there is chemistry, the physical aspects of a relationship will fall into place. "If things feel right, then hold hands, kiss, whatever feels right. Nothing is worse, though, than a first date who is way too into PDA (public displays of affection). It's sort of like they are staking their claim, which is a major turn-off."
- Women, don't be afraid to ask a man for a date. In fact, many men find a woman who will make the first move attractive and confident. Kate, 30, agrees: "A woman asking a man for a date doesn't have to be a pathetic plea to listen to Seal over a candlelit dinner. You can invite the guy to something you are going to anyway, like a concert, so it's like you are asking them to come along."
- Don't consume large amounts of alcohol. In one of his early movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger told his drunken wife: "You should not drink and bake." Well, the same holds true for dating: You should not drink and date. Athough the reasons for this are pretty obvious, it's a trap many people fall into and it has ruined many a person's chances for a second date. If you must drink, stick with one beer or glass of wine.
- Don't be afraid to end the date early. If things aren't working out or you are uncomfortable, feel free to end the date at any time.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating_rules.html
Online Dating: Love at First Byte
"I'm a progressive well-read mother of three … run my golden retriever almost every day. I'm a kitchen dancer; theatre-goer; kayaker (learned to roll but just no time); lapsed photographer; dogged skier; an anti-materialist with a clothing consultant."
So states the cleverly written ad of Nora (not her real name), one of 380,000 subscribers who shell out between $25 and $100 a year in the hope of attracting that special someone on Match.com, a leading online dating service with a database of 3 million romance seekers.
Nora's ideal match should be "smart, confident and naturally sexy," she writes, adding that you won't find him surrending a Saturday to TV sports because "so many other parts of life fascinate and beckon" him. And "no military types, couch potatoes or chronic depressives need apply."
Online Dating: The Rules in Reverse
Welcome to the world of online dating, where thanks to email, the rules of courtship have been reversed. Instead of physical chemistry being the basis for getting to know someone, an emotional and intellectual connection is what drives the decision to meet "offline" and see if there is a physical attraction.
Explains Trish McDermott, vice president of romance for Match.com, an avid user of her company's service (she dated someone she met online for 2 1/2 years): "Online you first see matches who meet some core criteria that you deem meaningful and important. You spend time getting to know this person, testing for good communications skills, a sense of humor, shared life goals and other areas of compatibility. Finally, if all seems right, you arrange to meet."
More Choices = Better Odds
For Nora, who at age 48 isn't inclined to barhop or attend single events, online dating is the best tactic she knows for finding a mate. "The more prospects I can meet and reject, the sooner I may come across some terrific man," she says.
Jim (also a pseudonym) met Nora on Match.com and began dating her after corresponding for a few weeks by email. He also likes the wide net cast by the Internet and compares online dating to being in a supermarket. "You get to see how the packaging looks and read a little about the ingredients. And if you want to buy it and try it, all it takes is an email."
The key to online dating is writing an ad or profile that attracts the kind of people you are seeking. Even with a well-crafted, targeted ad, be prepared to devote considerable time to browsing through responses, selecting matches and maintaining email contact. In less than a year, Nora has screened 100 responses. She has met 10 matches and dated half of them more than once.
"It takes a lot of time to review and contact matches, time to screen and talk to them, and time to keep your ad updated," she reports.
How to Stand Out From the Crowd
Your online profile is your first impression, so take the time to get it right. There are a few obvious "no brainers": post a great photo of yourself, accentuate the positive and be honest and direct. Asserting that all of your friends think you're attractive, or dogs don't run and bury their bones when you walk by, may seem perfectly straightforward to you, but to others it may trigger suspicion.
Match.com's McDermott offers the following tips on penning a good profile:
* Less is more. Don't expose every nook and cranny of your life — your pet peeves, your micro-managing boss, and your pesky "ex".
* Write sparingly. Don't write more than you might divulge at a cocktail party. All of that information can come after you have connected with someone.
* Be unique and memorable. "My home is more French Farm than French Country," reads a line in Nora's profile. Write in a manner that evokes some kind of response from the reader, which can be anything from curiosity to a chuckle.
* Have fun. Be genuine, relaxed and playful. "I'll follow any adventure, from finding box turtles to jumping out of airplanes," claims Nora. Playful people are the type to whom we tend to be attracted, says McDermott.
But Is Online Dating Safe?
If you decide to try online dating, make sure the service has an anonymous remailer to allow you to correspond with other members without giving out your contact information, advises McDermott. Take as much time as you need to get to know someone before arranging to meet, which should be in a public place with several of your friends aware of your plans. Keep the meeting simple — a cup a coffee. That way it is easy to say goodbye quickly if there isn't a connection.
Matches for Everyone
Online dating traffic has been picking up since September 11, 2001, and in response to growing demand, the big dating sites are adding more features and functionality. The 911 tragedy, experts agree, brought home the fact that life is short and relationships matter. People have been turning to all types of dating services in record numbers.
Match.com, One and Only Internet Personals, Yahoo Personals and Kiss.com allow searching of their database by location, age, gender and other keywords and make matches based on criteria set by you. There are also online dating services specific to ethnic, religious and interest groups.
Most services charge a subscription fee to respond to members' ads but allow you to search and post your profile and photo for free. They need that critical mass to persuade people like you to subscribe!
Work the system, says Nora, and you will get "qualified" matches. One senior man who fell in love at first byte on Match.com told the service "if a legally blind, bald, one-legged old man can find love online, then anyone can."
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/onlinedating_02.html
So states the cleverly written ad of Nora (not her real name), one of 380,000 subscribers who shell out between $25 and $100 a year in the hope of attracting that special someone on Match.com, a leading online dating service with a database of 3 million romance seekers.
Nora's ideal match should be "smart, confident and naturally sexy," she writes, adding that you won't find him surrending a Saturday to TV sports because "so many other parts of life fascinate and beckon" him. And "no military types, couch potatoes or chronic depressives need apply."
Online Dating: The Rules in Reverse
Welcome to the world of online dating, where thanks to email, the rules of courtship have been reversed. Instead of physical chemistry being the basis for getting to know someone, an emotional and intellectual connection is what drives the decision to meet "offline" and see if there is a physical attraction.
Explains Trish McDermott, vice president of romance for Match.com, an avid user of her company's service (she dated someone she met online for 2 1/2 years): "Online you first see matches who meet some core criteria that you deem meaningful and important. You spend time getting to know this person, testing for good communications skills, a sense of humor, shared life goals and other areas of compatibility. Finally, if all seems right, you arrange to meet."
More Choices = Better Odds
For Nora, who at age 48 isn't inclined to barhop or attend single events, online dating is the best tactic she knows for finding a mate. "The more prospects I can meet and reject, the sooner I may come across some terrific man," she says.
Jim (also a pseudonym) met Nora on Match.com and began dating her after corresponding for a few weeks by email. He also likes the wide net cast by the Internet and compares online dating to being in a supermarket. "You get to see how the packaging looks and read a little about the ingredients. And if you want to buy it and try it, all it takes is an email."
The key to online dating is writing an ad or profile that attracts the kind of people you are seeking. Even with a well-crafted, targeted ad, be prepared to devote considerable time to browsing through responses, selecting matches and maintaining email contact. In less than a year, Nora has screened 100 responses. She has met 10 matches and dated half of them more than once.
"It takes a lot of time to review and contact matches, time to screen and talk to them, and time to keep your ad updated," she reports.
How to Stand Out From the Crowd
Your online profile is your first impression, so take the time to get it right. There are a few obvious "no brainers": post a great photo of yourself, accentuate the positive and be honest and direct. Asserting that all of your friends think you're attractive, or dogs don't run and bury their bones when you walk by, may seem perfectly straightforward to you, but to others it may trigger suspicion.
Match.com's McDermott offers the following tips on penning a good profile:
* Less is more. Don't expose every nook and cranny of your life — your pet peeves, your micro-managing boss, and your pesky "ex".
* Write sparingly. Don't write more than you might divulge at a cocktail party. All of that information can come after you have connected with someone.
* Be unique and memorable. "My home is more French Farm than French Country," reads a line in Nora's profile. Write in a manner that evokes some kind of response from the reader, which can be anything from curiosity to a chuckle.
* Have fun. Be genuine, relaxed and playful. "I'll follow any adventure, from finding box turtles to jumping out of airplanes," claims Nora. Playful people are the type to whom we tend to be attracted, says McDermott.
But Is Online Dating Safe?
If you decide to try online dating, make sure the service has an anonymous remailer to allow you to correspond with other members without giving out your contact information, advises McDermott. Take as much time as you need to get to know someone before arranging to meet, which should be in a public place with several of your friends aware of your plans. Keep the meeting simple — a cup a coffee. That way it is easy to say goodbye quickly if there isn't a connection.
Matches for Everyone
Online dating traffic has been picking up since September 11, 2001, and in response to growing demand, the big dating sites are adding more features and functionality. The 911 tragedy, experts agree, brought home the fact that life is short and relationships matter. People have been turning to all types of dating services in record numbers.
Match.com, One and Only Internet Personals, Yahoo Personals and Kiss.com allow searching of their database by location, age, gender and other keywords and make matches based on criteria set by you. There are also online dating services specific to ethnic, religious and interest groups.
Most services charge a subscription fee to respond to members' ads but allow you to search and post your profile and photo for free. They need that critical mass to persuade people like you to subscribe!
Work the system, says Nora, and you will get "qualified" matches. One senior man who fell in love at first byte on Match.com told the service "if a legally blind, bald, one-legged old man can find love online, then anyone can."
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/onlinedating_02.html
Have Dating Rules Changed?
Lindsey is an associate professor in the Department of Communication Studies at New Mexico State University. She teaches communication in friendships and romantic relationships, as well as modern mediums of interpersonal communication, a class on socializing and developing relationships over the Internet.
She also is the author or co-author of several book chapters and articles published in Sex Roles, Human Communication Research, Communication Monographs, Communication Quarterly, Communication Research Reports and the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.
Q: Have the "rules" of dating changed, or it it pretty much status quo?
A: Dating appears to be a much less formal, "ritualized" process these days. That is, dating no longer has to involve the process of boy-asks-girl-out, he picks her up at her house, they go out for dinner and a movie, and they exchange a first kiss on the girl's doorstep. It may be more like "getting together for a drink" after work, or, for people college-aged and below, getting together with friends in a larger group and maybe having interaction one-on-one within the group. These days, people can easily become romantic partners without ever having gone on a single formal date.
Q: Many women complain that chivalry is dead. Do you agree?
A: It may be that chivalry is more confused than it is dead. The other day a guy apologized to me when he opened my car door, saying it was force of habit! I'm pretty sure he apologized because many guys don't know how a woman will perceive chivalry these days; they may fear that it will be regarded as insulting and/or non-p.c. by a woman, rather than regarded as gentlemanly. The simple solution, I think, is for both parties to be just plain polite and thoughtful of others, regardless of their own gender or the gender of others. If you're a guy, open doors for others who are behind you, no matter if they're male or female. If you're a woman, do the same. The difference between politeness and chivalry? Politeness is universally a sign of respect for others, while chivalry can be thought of as unnecessarily protective rather than respectful. In short: Chivalry is out. Politeness is in.
Q: What sort of characteristics are singles today looking for in a mate? Have these changed as a result of societal influences?
A: People are still looking for the same qualities in a mate that they've always been looking for: physical attractiveness; similarity in age, education, socio-economic level and attitudes; a sense of humor; an ability to meet or complement each other's emotional and physical needs; some sort of career ambitions, whether we're talking male or female. Also, most people are still looking for someone that they can marry and/or have kids with. That hasn't really changed at all.
Q: What do you think about "unconventional" ways of dating, such as Internet or speed dating?
A: Meeting and forming relationships on the Internet is rapidly becoming less and less unconventional; nobody is surprised when they hear about it occurring anymore. Internet dating, speed dating, and similar forms of romance are all becoming more popular in general, mostly because they are convenient in terms of time and money. They are well-suited to people from a culture such as the U.S. — people who constantly have to trade off time for money, and who are often too tired to go socializing after a tough day's/week's work. (Want more information on online dating?)
Q: Are the roles of women and men changing or evolving in the dating scene?
A: Along with changes in the formality of dating, there are a few changes in roles. For example, I don't think men are expected to pay for everything when they're out with a woman anymore; there's more of a tendency for the two to go dutch on at least some occasions, or maybe trade off on who pays for outings. Some aspects of roles are surprisingly unchanging, however. While you might expect that girls would be able to ask guys out with impunity these days, it's not proving to be the case. Studies by Paul Mongeau and his colleague during the mid- to late 90s showed repeatedly that if a woman asks a guy out, she's likely to be seen as a "non-serious dater" and more sexually active than a woman who was asked out by a guy. A majority of guys in one study also reported that they had higher expectations for sex on a date when a woman asks them out than vice versa. Though, interestingly, men who were asked out on a date by a woman ended up having sex less frequently than did the guys who asked a woman out.
Q: What are your top three dos and don'ts of dating?
A: Hmmm. Well, I don't know about a specific order, but some definite dos for both genders might be: Have a good idea of what you and the other person would enjoy doing for the evening, then do it. Know how to make interesting conversation; ask the other person questions about him or herself, reveal interesting but not too risky things about yourself, keep the talk positive, and in general, use conversation to search for similarities. If you're heterosexual, learn how to talk like the opposite sex. Remember all your manners, and remember to use them. Also, maintain high levels of gaze (don't avert your eyes from the other person's), and stop thinking about yourself — it'll only make you self-conscious. Focus on the other person instead.
Some dos for guys specifically: Wear some decent clothing; college-aged women complain constantly about men's lack of a decent wardrobe!
Some don'ts for women specifically: Don't feel compelled to talk all the time, learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with silence. And avoid asking too many personal questions.
Some don'ts for both genders: Don't get foolishly drunk, don't talk about previous romances, avoid complaining or negative topics in general. Don't wear too much cologne or perfume, and don't eat spaghetti or anything else that will get all over your face and clothes. Avoid mistaking friendliness for sexual interest, and don't touch too much or crowd the other person's space unless you're invited to do so.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating.html
She also is the author or co-author of several book chapters and articles published in Sex Roles, Human Communication Research, Communication Monographs, Communication Quarterly, Communication Research Reports and the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.
Q: Have the "rules" of dating changed, or it it pretty much status quo?
A: Dating appears to be a much less formal, "ritualized" process these days. That is, dating no longer has to involve the process of boy-asks-girl-out, he picks her up at her house, they go out for dinner and a movie, and they exchange a first kiss on the girl's doorstep. It may be more like "getting together for a drink" after work, or, for people college-aged and below, getting together with friends in a larger group and maybe having interaction one-on-one within the group. These days, people can easily become romantic partners without ever having gone on a single formal date.
Q: Many women complain that chivalry is dead. Do you agree?
A: It may be that chivalry is more confused than it is dead. The other day a guy apologized to me when he opened my car door, saying it was force of habit! I'm pretty sure he apologized because many guys don't know how a woman will perceive chivalry these days; they may fear that it will be regarded as insulting and/or non-p.c. by a woman, rather than regarded as gentlemanly. The simple solution, I think, is for both parties to be just plain polite and thoughtful of others, regardless of their own gender or the gender of others. If you're a guy, open doors for others who are behind you, no matter if they're male or female. If you're a woman, do the same. The difference between politeness and chivalry? Politeness is universally a sign of respect for others, while chivalry can be thought of as unnecessarily protective rather than respectful. In short: Chivalry is out. Politeness is in.
Q: What sort of characteristics are singles today looking for in a mate? Have these changed as a result of societal influences?
A: People are still looking for the same qualities in a mate that they've always been looking for: physical attractiveness; similarity in age, education, socio-economic level and attitudes; a sense of humor; an ability to meet or complement each other's emotional and physical needs; some sort of career ambitions, whether we're talking male or female. Also, most people are still looking for someone that they can marry and/or have kids with. That hasn't really changed at all.
Q: What do you think about "unconventional" ways of dating, such as Internet or speed dating?
A: Meeting and forming relationships on the Internet is rapidly becoming less and less unconventional; nobody is surprised when they hear about it occurring anymore. Internet dating, speed dating, and similar forms of romance are all becoming more popular in general, mostly because they are convenient in terms of time and money. They are well-suited to people from a culture such as the U.S. — people who constantly have to trade off time for money, and who are often too tired to go socializing after a tough day's/week's work. (Want more information on online dating?)
Q: Are the roles of women and men changing or evolving in the dating scene?
A: Along with changes in the formality of dating, there are a few changes in roles. For example, I don't think men are expected to pay for everything when they're out with a woman anymore; there's more of a tendency for the two to go dutch on at least some occasions, or maybe trade off on who pays for outings. Some aspects of roles are surprisingly unchanging, however. While you might expect that girls would be able to ask guys out with impunity these days, it's not proving to be the case. Studies by Paul Mongeau and his colleague during the mid- to late 90s showed repeatedly that if a woman asks a guy out, she's likely to be seen as a "non-serious dater" and more sexually active than a woman who was asked out by a guy. A majority of guys in one study also reported that they had higher expectations for sex on a date when a woman asks them out than vice versa. Though, interestingly, men who were asked out on a date by a woman ended up having sex less frequently than did the guys who asked a woman out.
Q: What are your top three dos and don'ts of dating?
A: Hmmm. Well, I don't know about a specific order, but some definite dos for both genders might be: Have a good idea of what you and the other person would enjoy doing for the evening, then do it. Know how to make interesting conversation; ask the other person questions about him or herself, reveal interesting but not too risky things about yourself, keep the talk positive, and in general, use conversation to search for similarities. If you're heterosexual, learn how to talk like the opposite sex. Remember all your manners, and remember to use them. Also, maintain high levels of gaze (don't avert your eyes from the other person's), and stop thinking about yourself — it'll only make you self-conscious. Focus on the other person instead.
Some dos for guys specifically: Wear some decent clothing; college-aged women complain constantly about men's lack of a decent wardrobe!
Some don'ts for women specifically: Don't feel compelled to talk all the time, learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with silence. And avoid asking too many personal questions.
Some don'ts for both genders: Don't get foolishly drunk, don't talk about previous romances, avoid complaining or negative topics in general. Don't wear too much cologne or perfume, and don't eat spaghetti or anything else that will get all over your face and clothes. Avoid mistaking friendliness for sexual interest, and don't touch too much or crowd the other person's space unless you're invited to do so.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating.html
Speed Dating: A New Form of Matchmaking
If you're dating in this day and age, you know that time constraints can have a big impact on your social life. Many television shows and cities have a solution called "speed dating." What is speed dating? In this article we will address the most common speed dating questions and provide you with speed dating answers from our experts.
Love and marriage have always gone hand in hand. With the efficiency of shotgun weddings and quickie divorces, it would only seem natural for dating to follow suit.
Enter the fast-paced world of speed dating, where singles have the opportunity to date up to ten other lovelorn singles in one evening.
How is this possible, you ask? Each date lasts a mere seven minutes. What makes speed dating different from the typical bar scene is that participants have the same objective — to meet a potential companion.
Rules of the Game
The rules of speed dating are quite simple. A group of singles gathers at a cafe or similar venue. Armed with a nametag, a scorecard and their sparkling personality, couples are paired up to begin their first date. They are allowed to discuss anything, except their careers, or where the live.
Following seven minutes of conversation, a bell is rung, and the men move on to meet their next date. Think of it as a flirt's version of musical chairs.
Following each date, participants mark on a card whether they would have an interest in meeting their date again. If a mutual interest is noted, speed-dating organizers provide each party with the other's phone number.
Where Did Speed Dating Come From?
Speed dating, established by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in 1999, is based on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles. Originally intended as a way of keeping Jewish singles from marrying outside the faith; the speed-dating movement has flourished in both Jewish and secular communities throughout the world.
For many singles tired of the bar scene and weary of blind dates, speed dating offers a fun and safe alternative.
But Does Speed Dating Work?
Speed dating has proven to be fairly successful, with approximately half of all participants coming away with a potential match. While some may be uncomfortable with the notion of making repeated small talk ten times in one evening, advocates of speed dating believe that the success of this "unconventional" arrangement lies in "conventional" — simple chemistry.
But the question remains: Is seven minutes enough time to fairly assess someone? Afterall, in this short time, you may have written off someone you might have otherwise found interesting in a traditional dating scenario.
Conversely, you may think you've met your dream date. But had you more time — even one more minute — you may have discovered that "dreamboat" has a toe-nail clipping collection under his bed.
Regardless, the popularity of speed dating is growing at a rapid pace. Is speed dating the new revolution in relationships or is this fad's seven minutes up?
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/speed_dating.html
Love and marriage have always gone hand in hand. With the efficiency of shotgun weddings and quickie divorces, it would only seem natural for dating to follow suit.
Enter the fast-paced world of speed dating, where singles have the opportunity to date up to ten other lovelorn singles in one evening.
How is this possible, you ask? Each date lasts a mere seven minutes. What makes speed dating different from the typical bar scene is that participants have the same objective — to meet a potential companion.
Rules of the Game
The rules of speed dating are quite simple. A group of singles gathers at a cafe or similar venue. Armed with a nametag, a scorecard and their sparkling personality, couples are paired up to begin their first date. They are allowed to discuss anything, except their careers, or where the live.
Following seven minutes of conversation, a bell is rung, and the men move on to meet their next date. Think of it as a flirt's version of musical chairs.
Following each date, participants mark on a card whether they would have an interest in meeting their date again. If a mutual interest is noted, speed-dating organizers provide each party with the other's phone number.
Where Did Speed Dating Come From?
Speed dating, established by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in 1999, is based on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles. Originally intended as a way of keeping Jewish singles from marrying outside the faith; the speed-dating movement has flourished in both Jewish and secular communities throughout the world.
For many singles tired of the bar scene and weary of blind dates, speed dating offers a fun and safe alternative.
But Does Speed Dating Work?
Speed dating has proven to be fairly successful, with approximately half of all participants coming away with a potential match. While some may be uncomfortable with the notion of making repeated small talk ten times in one evening, advocates of speed dating believe that the success of this "unconventional" arrangement lies in "conventional" — simple chemistry.
But the question remains: Is seven minutes enough time to fairly assess someone? Afterall, in this short time, you may have written off someone you might have otherwise found interesting in a traditional dating scenario.
Conversely, you may think you've met your dream date. But had you more time — even one more minute — you may have discovered that "dreamboat" has a toe-nail clipping collection under his bed.
Regardless, the popularity of speed dating is growing at a rapid pace. Is speed dating the new revolution in relationships or is this fad's seven minutes up?
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/speed_dating.html
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