"I'm a progressive well-read mother of three … run my golden retriever almost every day. I'm a kitchen dancer; theatre-goer; kayaker (learned to roll but just no time); lapsed photographer; dogged skier; an anti-materialist with a clothing consultant."
So states the cleverly written ad of Nora (not her real name), one of 380,000 subscribers who shell out between $25 and $100 a year in the hope of attracting that special someone on Match.com, a leading online dating service with a database of 3 million romance seekers.
Nora's ideal match should be "smart, confident and naturally sexy," she writes, adding that you won't find him surrending a Saturday to TV sports because "so many other parts of life fascinate and beckon" him. And "no military types, couch potatoes or chronic depressives need apply."
Online Dating: The Rules in Reverse
Welcome to the world of online dating, where thanks to email, the rules of courtship have been reversed. Instead of physical chemistry being the basis for getting to know someone, an emotional and intellectual connection is what drives the decision to meet "offline" and see if there is a physical attraction.
Explains Trish McDermott, vice president of romance for Match.com, an avid user of her company's service (she dated someone she met online for 2 1/2 years): "Online you first see matches who meet some core criteria that you deem meaningful and important. You spend time getting to know this person, testing for good communications skills, a sense of humor, shared life goals and other areas of compatibility. Finally, if all seems right, you arrange to meet."
More Choices = Better Odds
For Nora, who at age 48 isn't inclined to barhop or attend single events, online dating is the best tactic she knows for finding a mate. "The more prospects I can meet and reject, the sooner I may come across some terrific man," she says.
Jim (also a pseudonym) met Nora on Match.com and began dating her after corresponding for a few weeks by email. He also likes the wide net cast by the Internet and compares online dating to being in a supermarket. "You get to see how the packaging looks and read a little about the ingredients. And if you want to buy it and try it, all it takes is an email."
The key to online dating is writing an ad or profile that attracts the kind of people you are seeking. Even with a well-crafted, targeted ad, be prepared to devote considerable time to browsing through responses, selecting matches and maintaining email contact. In less than a year, Nora has screened 100 responses. She has met 10 matches and dated half of them more than once.
"It takes a lot of time to review and contact matches, time to screen and talk to them, and time to keep your ad updated," she reports.
How to Stand Out From the Crowd
Your online profile is your first impression, so take the time to get it right. There are a few obvious "no brainers": post a great photo of yourself, accentuate the positive and be honest and direct. Asserting that all of your friends think you're attractive, or dogs don't run and bury their bones when you walk by, may seem perfectly straightforward to you, but to others it may trigger suspicion.
Match.com's McDermott offers the following tips on penning a good profile:
* Less is more. Don't expose every nook and cranny of your life — your pet peeves, your micro-managing boss, and your pesky "ex".
* Write sparingly. Don't write more than you might divulge at a cocktail party. All of that information can come after you have connected with someone.
* Be unique and memorable. "My home is more French Farm than French Country," reads a line in Nora's profile. Write in a manner that evokes some kind of response from the reader, which can be anything from curiosity to a chuckle.
* Have fun. Be genuine, relaxed and playful. "I'll follow any adventure, from finding box turtles to jumping out of airplanes," claims Nora. Playful people are the type to whom we tend to be attracted, says McDermott.
But Is Online Dating Safe?
If you decide to try online dating, make sure the service has an anonymous remailer to allow you to correspond with other members without giving out your contact information, advises McDermott. Take as much time as you need to get to know someone before arranging to meet, which should be in a public place with several of your friends aware of your plans. Keep the meeting simple — a cup a coffee. That way it is easy to say goodbye quickly if there isn't a connection.
Matches for Everyone
Online dating traffic has been picking up since September 11, 2001, and in response to growing demand, the big dating sites are adding more features and functionality. The 911 tragedy, experts agree, brought home the fact that life is short and relationships matter. People have been turning to all types of dating services in record numbers.
Match.com, One and Only Internet Personals, Yahoo Personals and Kiss.com allow searching of their database by location, age, gender and other keywords and make matches based on criteria set by you. There are also online dating services specific to ethnic, religious and interest groups.
Most services charge a subscription fee to respond to members' ads but allow you to search and post your profile and photo for free. They need that critical mass to persuade people like you to subscribe!
Work the system, says Nora, and you will get "qualified" matches. One senior man who fell in love at first byte on Match.com told the service "if a legally blind, bald, one-legged old man can find love online, then anyone can."
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/onlinedating_02.html
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Have Dating Rules Changed?
Lindsey is an associate professor in the Department of Communication Studies at New Mexico State University. She teaches communication in friendships and romantic relationships, as well as modern mediums of interpersonal communication, a class on socializing and developing relationships over the Internet.
She also is the author or co-author of several book chapters and articles published in Sex Roles, Human Communication Research, Communication Monographs, Communication Quarterly, Communication Research Reports and the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.
Q: Have the "rules" of dating changed, or it it pretty much status quo?
A: Dating appears to be a much less formal, "ritualized" process these days. That is, dating no longer has to involve the process of boy-asks-girl-out, he picks her up at her house, they go out for dinner and a movie, and they exchange a first kiss on the girl's doorstep. It may be more like "getting together for a drink" after work, or, for people college-aged and below, getting together with friends in a larger group and maybe having interaction one-on-one within the group. These days, people can easily become romantic partners without ever having gone on a single formal date.
Q: Many women complain that chivalry is dead. Do you agree?
A: It may be that chivalry is more confused than it is dead. The other day a guy apologized to me when he opened my car door, saying it was force of habit! I'm pretty sure he apologized because many guys don't know how a woman will perceive chivalry these days; they may fear that it will be regarded as insulting and/or non-p.c. by a woman, rather than regarded as gentlemanly. The simple solution, I think, is for both parties to be just plain polite and thoughtful of others, regardless of their own gender or the gender of others. If you're a guy, open doors for others who are behind you, no matter if they're male or female. If you're a woman, do the same. The difference between politeness and chivalry? Politeness is universally a sign of respect for others, while chivalry can be thought of as unnecessarily protective rather than respectful. In short: Chivalry is out. Politeness is in.
Q: What sort of characteristics are singles today looking for in a mate? Have these changed as a result of societal influences?
A: People are still looking for the same qualities in a mate that they've always been looking for: physical attractiveness; similarity in age, education, socio-economic level and attitudes; a sense of humor; an ability to meet or complement each other's emotional and physical needs; some sort of career ambitions, whether we're talking male or female. Also, most people are still looking for someone that they can marry and/or have kids with. That hasn't really changed at all.
Q: What do you think about "unconventional" ways of dating, such as Internet or speed dating?
A: Meeting and forming relationships on the Internet is rapidly becoming less and less unconventional; nobody is surprised when they hear about it occurring anymore. Internet dating, speed dating, and similar forms of romance are all becoming more popular in general, mostly because they are convenient in terms of time and money. They are well-suited to people from a culture such as the U.S. — people who constantly have to trade off time for money, and who are often too tired to go socializing after a tough day's/week's work. (Want more information on online dating?)
Q: Are the roles of women and men changing or evolving in the dating scene?
A: Along with changes in the formality of dating, there are a few changes in roles. For example, I don't think men are expected to pay for everything when they're out with a woman anymore; there's more of a tendency for the two to go dutch on at least some occasions, or maybe trade off on who pays for outings. Some aspects of roles are surprisingly unchanging, however. While you might expect that girls would be able to ask guys out with impunity these days, it's not proving to be the case. Studies by Paul Mongeau and his colleague during the mid- to late 90s showed repeatedly that if a woman asks a guy out, she's likely to be seen as a "non-serious dater" and more sexually active than a woman who was asked out by a guy. A majority of guys in one study also reported that they had higher expectations for sex on a date when a woman asks them out than vice versa. Though, interestingly, men who were asked out on a date by a woman ended up having sex less frequently than did the guys who asked a woman out.
Q: What are your top three dos and don'ts of dating?
A: Hmmm. Well, I don't know about a specific order, but some definite dos for both genders might be: Have a good idea of what you and the other person would enjoy doing for the evening, then do it. Know how to make interesting conversation; ask the other person questions about him or herself, reveal interesting but not too risky things about yourself, keep the talk positive, and in general, use conversation to search for similarities. If you're heterosexual, learn how to talk like the opposite sex. Remember all your manners, and remember to use them. Also, maintain high levels of gaze (don't avert your eyes from the other person's), and stop thinking about yourself — it'll only make you self-conscious. Focus on the other person instead.
Some dos for guys specifically: Wear some decent clothing; college-aged women complain constantly about men's lack of a decent wardrobe!
Some don'ts for women specifically: Don't feel compelled to talk all the time, learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with silence. And avoid asking too many personal questions.
Some don'ts for both genders: Don't get foolishly drunk, don't talk about previous romances, avoid complaining or negative topics in general. Don't wear too much cologne or perfume, and don't eat spaghetti or anything else that will get all over your face and clothes. Avoid mistaking friendliness for sexual interest, and don't touch too much or crowd the other person's space unless you're invited to do so.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating.html
She also is the author or co-author of several book chapters and articles published in Sex Roles, Human Communication Research, Communication Monographs, Communication Quarterly, Communication Research Reports and the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.
Q: Have the "rules" of dating changed, or it it pretty much status quo?
A: Dating appears to be a much less formal, "ritualized" process these days. That is, dating no longer has to involve the process of boy-asks-girl-out, he picks her up at her house, they go out for dinner and a movie, and they exchange a first kiss on the girl's doorstep. It may be more like "getting together for a drink" after work, or, for people college-aged and below, getting together with friends in a larger group and maybe having interaction one-on-one within the group. These days, people can easily become romantic partners without ever having gone on a single formal date.
Q: Many women complain that chivalry is dead. Do you agree?
A: It may be that chivalry is more confused than it is dead. The other day a guy apologized to me when he opened my car door, saying it was force of habit! I'm pretty sure he apologized because many guys don't know how a woman will perceive chivalry these days; they may fear that it will be regarded as insulting and/or non-p.c. by a woman, rather than regarded as gentlemanly. The simple solution, I think, is for both parties to be just plain polite and thoughtful of others, regardless of their own gender or the gender of others. If you're a guy, open doors for others who are behind you, no matter if they're male or female. If you're a woman, do the same. The difference between politeness and chivalry? Politeness is universally a sign of respect for others, while chivalry can be thought of as unnecessarily protective rather than respectful. In short: Chivalry is out. Politeness is in.
Q: What sort of characteristics are singles today looking for in a mate? Have these changed as a result of societal influences?
A: People are still looking for the same qualities in a mate that they've always been looking for: physical attractiveness; similarity in age, education, socio-economic level and attitudes; a sense of humor; an ability to meet or complement each other's emotional and physical needs; some sort of career ambitions, whether we're talking male or female. Also, most people are still looking for someone that they can marry and/or have kids with. That hasn't really changed at all.
Q: What do you think about "unconventional" ways of dating, such as Internet or speed dating?
A: Meeting and forming relationships on the Internet is rapidly becoming less and less unconventional; nobody is surprised when they hear about it occurring anymore. Internet dating, speed dating, and similar forms of romance are all becoming more popular in general, mostly because they are convenient in terms of time and money. They are well-suited to people from a culture such as the U.S. — people who constantly have to trade off time for money, and who are often too tired to go socializing after a tough day's/week's work. (Want more information on online dating?)
Q: Are the roles of women and men changing or evolving in the dating scene?
A: Along with changes in the formality of dating, there are a few changes in roles. For example, I don't think men are expected to pay for everything when they're out with a woman anymore; there's more of a tendency for the two to go dutch on at least some occasions, or maybe trade off on who pays for outings. Some aspects of roles are surprisingly unchanging, however. While you might expect that girls would be able to ask guys out with impunity these days, it's not proving to be the case. Studies by Paul Mongeau and his colleague during the mid- to late 90s showed repeatedly that if a woman asks a guy out, she's likely to be seen as a "non-serious dater" and more sexually active than a woman who was asked out by a guy. A majority of guys in one study also reported that they had higher expectations for sex on a date when a woman asks them out than vice versa. Though, interestingly, men who were asked out on a date by a woman ended up having sex less frequently than did the guys who asked a woman out.
Q: What are your top three dos and don'ts of dating?
A: Hmmm. Well, I don't know about a specific order, but some definite dos for both genders might be: Have a good idea of what you and the other person would enjoy doing for the evening, then do it. Know how to make interesting conversation; ask the other person questions about him or herself, reveal interesting but not too risky things about yourself, keep the talk positive, and in general, use conversation to search for similarities. If you're heterosexual, learn how to talk like the opposite sex. Remember all your manners, and remember to use them. Also, maintain high levels of gaze (don't avert your eyes from the other person's), and stop thinking about yourself — it'll only make you self-conscious. Focus on the other person instead.
Some dos for guys specifically: Wear some decent clothing; college-aged women complain constantly about men's lack of a decent wardrobe!
Some don'ts for women specifically: Don't feel compelled to talk all the time, learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with silence. And avoid asking too many personal questions.
Some don'ts for both genders: Don't get foolishly drunk, don't talk about previous romances, avoid complaining or negative topics in general. Don't wear too much cologne or perfume, and don't eat spaghetti or anything else that will get all over your face and clothes. Avoid mistaking friendliness for sexual interest, and don't touch too much or crowd the other person's space unless you're invited to do so.
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/dating.html
Speed Dating: A New Form of Matchmaking
If you're dating in this day and age, you know that time constraints can have a big impact on your social life. Many television shows and cities have a solution called "speed dating." What is speed dating? In this article we will address the most common speed dating questions and provide you with speed dating answers from our experts.
Love and marriage have always gone hand in hand. With the efficiency of shotgun weddings and quickie divorces, it would only seem natural for dating to follow suit.
Enter the fast-paced world of speed dating, where singles have the opportunity to date up to ten other lovelorn singles in one evening.
How is this possible, you ask? Each date lasts a mere seven minutes. What makes speed dating different from the typical bar scene is that participants have the same objective — to meet a potential companion.
Rules of the Game
The rules of speed dating are quite simple. A group of singles gathers at a cafe or similar venue. Armed with a nametag, a scorecard and their sparkling personality, couples are paired up to begin their first date. They are allowed to discuss anything, except their careers, or where the live.
Following seven minutes of conversation, a bell is rung, and the men move on to meet their next date. Think of it as a flirt's version of musical chairs.
Following each date, participants mark on a card whether they would have an interest in meeting their date again. If a mutual interest is noted, speed-dating organizers provide each party with the other's phone number.
Where Did Speed Dating Come From?
Speed dating, established by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in 1999, is based on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles. Originally intended as a way of keeping Jewish singles from marrying outside the faith; the speed-dating movement has flourished in both Jewish and secular communities throughout the world.
For many singles tired of the bar scene and weary of blind dates, speed dating offers a fun and safe alternative.
But Does Speed Dating Work?
Speed dating has proven to be fairly successful, with approximately half of all participants coming away with a potential match. While some may be uncomfortable with the notion of making repeated small talk ten times in one evening, advocates of speed dating believe that the success of this "unconventional" arrangement lies in "conventional" — simple chemistry.
But the question remains: Is seven minutes enough time to fairly assess someone? Afterall, in this short time, you may have written off someone you might have otherwise found interesting in a traditional dating scenario.
Conversely, you may think you've met your dream date. But had you more time — even one more minute — you may have discovered that "dreamboat" has a toe-nail clipping collection under his bed.
Regardless, the popularity of speed dating is growing at a rapid pace. Is speed dating the new revolution in relationships or is this fad's seven minutes up?
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/speed_dating.html
Love and marriage have always gone hand in hand. With the efficiency of shotgun weddings and quickie divorces, it would only seem natural for dating to follow suit.
Enter the fast-paced world of speed dating, where singles have the opportunity to date up to ten other lovelorn singles in one evening.
How is this possible, you ask? Each date lasts a mere seven minutes. What makes speed dating different from the typical bar scene is that participants have the same objective — to meet a potential companion.
Rules of the Game
The rules of speed dating are quite simple. A group of singles gathers at a cafe or similar venue. Armed with a nametag, a scorecard and their sparkling personality, couples are paired up to begin their first date. They are allowed to discuss anything, except their careers, or where the live.
Following seven minutes of conversation, a bell is rung, and the men move on to meet their next date. Think of it as a flirt's version of musical chairs.
Following each date, participants mark on a card whether they would have an interest in meeting their date again. If a mutual interest is noted, speed-dating organizers provide each party with the other's phone number.
Where Did Speed Dating Come From?
Speed dating, established by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in 1999, is based on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles. Originally intended as a way of keeping Jewish singles from marrying outside the faith; the speed-dating movement has flourished in both Jewish and secular communities throughout the world.
For many singles tired of the bar scene and weary of blind dates, speed dating offers a fun and safe alternative.
But Does Speed Dating Work?
Speed dating has proven to be fairly successful, with approximately half of all participants coming away with a potential match. While some may be uncomfortable with the notion of making repeated small talk ten times in one evening, advocates of speed dating believe that the success of this "unconventional" arrangement lies in "conventional" — simple chemistry.
But the question remains: Is seven minutes enough time to fairly assess someone? Afterall, in this short time, you may have written off someone you might have otherwise found interesting in a traditional dating scenario.
Conversely, you may think you've met your dream date. But had you more time — even one more minute — you may have discovered that "dreamboat" has a toe-nail clipping collection under his bed.
Regardless, the popularity of speed dating is growing at a rapid pace. Is speed dating the new revolution in relationships or is this fad's seven minutes up?
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/speed_dating.html
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
In the Computer Dating Game, Room for a Coach
NOT getting any online dates? Maybe it’s time for an online makeover.
Businesses like Dating-Profile.com, ProfileHelper.com and E-Cyrano.com say they will help turn a stale personal profile for dating Web sites into eloquent and catchy advertisements, writing the words for you. They will even help clients sift through prospective dates and start an initial e-mail conversation. Depending on the company and the services used, prices may range from $39 to $2,000.
Other companies, like LookBetterOnline.com and SingleShots.com, sell professional photo shoots and retouching of existing pictures for people to post online.
“As online dating has gotten more popular, the more people have to do to get attention,” said Mindy Stricke, owner of SingleShots.com, a New York business that has produced 1,000 profile portraits, at prices from $130 to $300. “There’s a lot of anxiety around this purchase because there’s no guarantees. But a lot of people, especially in New York, are willing to go the extra mile.”
Dating makeovers are hardly new. High-end offline dating services have long provided hairstyle and clothing renovations, as well as other help. But the latest twist underscores the frustration felt by some of the 40 million people using Internet matchmaking sites, said Mark Brooks, who follows the industry and author of the blog OnlinePersonalsWatch.com.
“The promise of Internet dating is you plug in your profile and you send a few e-mails and you have got a date,” Mr. Brooks said. “It’s not as easy as that.”
Jim West, 43, a divorced engineer from Tatamy, Pa., struggled to get beyond the first “hello” e-mail when he started online dating. Sure, he got some dates, but with the wrong people, he said. So after six months, Mr. West paid $49 for a critique from Eric Resnick, owner of ProfileHelper.com, based in Orlando, Fla. (The price of that service is now $69.)
“I felt like he was my sixth-grade English teacher,” Mr. West said. “He taught me how to write a good essay.” Some of Mr. Resnick’s advice: when sending e-mail messages to women, he should ask them questions about their profiles so they are more inclined to reply. Mr. Resnick also told Mr. West that his profile did not stand out because it used very general terms, with Mr. West describing himself as “very laid back” and “happy.”
Mr. Resnick said: “Why say you are laid back when you can talk about the family barbecue that gives that air of laid back? Why say you’re adventurous when you can talk about your trip to the Great Wall of China?”
In the multiple-choice section of his profile about the woman he was seeking, Mr. West had listed a specific hair color, a specific eye color and requested that his date share his Moravian religious faith.
Mr. Resnick suggested that he be less specific. Three months later, Mr. West met a woman whom he has now been dating for more than six months. And she is also of the Moravian faith, though she responded after he removed that stipulation in his profile.
Marianne Kost, a divorced mother in New York, ran a bigger tab. She paid $2,000 for a profile, photographs and coaching from Evan Marc Katz, owner of two coaching services based in Los Angeles, EvanMarkKatz.com and E-Cyrano.com. Ms. Kost was new to online dating, so Mr. Katz also helped her decide which dating service to use and which men to meet.
When Ms. Kost wrote her personal essay, Mr. Katz pushed her to tell specific stories, such as, “I came face-to-face with a bull moose during rutting season,” and, “I occasionally smear a glob of peanut butter on my dog’s nose, just for fun.” Ms. Kost said she had many responses when her profile went online at Match.com.
Ms. Kost, 49, said Mr. Katz was of much help. “It was wonderful for my ego, and I felt I had a pick of the cream of the crop. I ended up having so much interesting stuff in my profile that I had a lot to talk about and write about in e-mails.”
Ms. Kost said she did not meet many men in person, because Mr. Katz had advised her to go through a long screening process with e-mail and phone conversations before an actual date. After three months, Ms. Kost met Stephen Micallef, who, like her, is an engineer. She immediately liked how he spoke of his daughters. “I liked his values,” Ms. Kost said. “He seemed emotionally mature and very open.”
Mr. Micallef, 47, liked the professional photographs of Ms. Kost. And he liked the way her profile captured her essence with details, like how she raced a storm on a sailboat and collected strawberries to make jam. “This was well written. There was thought in it,” he said. “I found her profile to be authentic, sincere and honest, and it was proven out.”
They have dated for eight months and plan to marry.
Mr. Katz said his company has helped thousands of people since it began five years ago. It offers several packages, starting at $49 for a 20-minute consultation and a line-by-line critique of a profile. For $129 to $199, people fill out a questionnaire and spend a half-hour on the phone with a freelance writer, who writes two essays for them. For $1,500, the company interviews clients, writes their profiles, takes professional photographs and coaches them via phone and e-mail about online dating. For $1,000 a month, he coaches them about dating and relationships in general.
But can writing dating profiles for people mask their real personality, giving, for instance, a positive, exciting and more eloquent flair to someone who may be genuinely negative, boring and inarticulate? No, Mr. Katz said. Rather, he said, he simply presents people in their best light.
He compared the process to the extra effort people make on their wedding day. “You want to present yourself at your best,” he said.
JENNY CARGILE, 37, of Denver, who uses Match.com, does not buy into that theory. She said she would never hire someone to improve her dating profile because a more polished profile would not reflect who she truly is. “I’m not a person who is put together or always knows the right thing to say,” she said. “I would feel like if I went out on a date with someone, I would have to be what they read instead of myself.”
Ms. Cargile also said that many people who use online dating services tended to be fairly careless about how they present themselves. She said many profiles she sees on Match.com use blurry or outdated photographs, contain essays riddled with typographical and grammatical errors and rely on general descriptions, like “athletic” or “adventurous.”
Match.com has begun offering free profile and photo tips via an online video with Jay Manuel, of the television show “America’s Next Top Model.” The company also sells services for $2 to $6 a month that offer advice on dating and ways to make profiles and photographs stand out.
Jim Safka, chief executive of Match.com, based in Dallas, says online dating is like being on stage and being viewed by thousands of people. “Wouldn’t you spend some time backstage getting ready?” he asked.
In the Dallas market, Match.com is testing a service called “Match Platinum,” in which professional matchmakers interview clients, coach them on appearance and style and then sift through Match.com’s database of 15 million members to find a compatible date. “We’ve had a tremendous response to it,” said Deborah Robertson, a matchmaker for Match Platinum. Clients pay $500 to $2,000, depending on the level of service.
Such levels of spending and coaching concern at least one dating expert.
“Dating is like a soufflé — it requires a bit of lightness,” said Joy Browne, host of a syndicated radio talk show and author of the recent book “Dating Disasters and How to Avoid Them.” “When you’re forking out thousands of dollars, you’re going to expect a huge return on your investment. That’s not the attitude you should have going into dating.”
But for Ms. Kost, the services were well worth the money. “I felt confident with people,” she said. “It was like I didn’t need to sell myself to these people. They were already sold.”
http://www.timesdaily.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070311/ZNYT01/703110367&cachetime=5
Businesses like Dating-Profile.com, ProfileHelper.com and E-Cyrano.com say they will help turn a stale personal profile for dating Web sites into eloquent and catchy advertisements, writing the words for you. They will even help clients sift through prospective dates and start an initial e-mail conversation. Depending on the company and the services used, prices may range from $39 to $2,000.
Other companies, like LookBetterOnline.com and SingleShots.com, sell professional photo shoots and retouching of existing pictures for people to post online.
“As online dating has gotten more popular, the more people have to do to get attention,” said Mindy Stricke, owner of SingleShots.com, a New York business that has produced 1,000 profile portraits, at prices from $130 to $300. “There’s a lot of anxiety around this purchase because there’s no guarantees. But a lot of people, especially in New York, are willing to go the extra mile.”
Dating makeovers are hardly new. High-end offline dating services have long provided hairstyle and clothing renovations, as well as other help. But the latest twist underscores the frustration felt by some of the 40 million people using Internet matchmaking sites, said Mark Brooks, who follows the industry and author of the blog OnlinePersonalsWatch.com.
“The promise of Internet dating is you plug in your profile and you send a few e-mails and you have got a date,” Mr. Brooks said. “It’s not as easy as that.”
Jim West, 43, a divorced engineer from Tatamy, Pa., struggled to get beyond the first “hello” e-mail when he started online dating. Sure, he got some dates, but with the wrong people, he said. So after six months, Mr. West paid $49 for a critique from Eric Resnick, owner of ProfileHelper.com, based in Orlando, Fla. (The price of that service is now $69.)
“I felt like he was my sixth-grade English teacher,” Mr. West said. “He taught me how to write a good essay.” Some of Mr. Resnick’s advice: when sending e-mail messages to women, he should ask them questions about their profiles so they are more inclined to reply. Mr. Resnick also told Mr. West that his profile did not stand out because it used very general terms, with Mr. West describing himself as “very laid back” and “happy.”
Mr. Resnick said: “Why say you are laid back when you can talk about the family barbecue that gives that air of laid back? Why say you’re adventurous when you can talk about your trip to the Great Wall of China?”
In the multiple-choice section of his profile about the woman he was seeking, Mr. West had listed a specific hair color, a specific eye color and requested that his date share his Moravian religious faith.
Mr. Resnick suggested that he be less specific. Three months later, Mr. West met a woman whom he has now been dating for more than six months. And she is also of the Moravian faith, though she responded after he removed that stipulation in his profile.
Marianne Kost, a divorced mother in New York, ran a bigger tab. She paid $2,000 for a profile, photographs and coaching from Evan Marc Katz, owner of two coaching services based in Los Angeles, EvanMarkKatz.com and E-Cyrano.com. Ms. Kost was new to online dating, so Mr. Katz also helped her decide which dating service to use and which men to meet.
When Ms. Kost wrote her personal essay, Mr. Katz pushed her to tell specific stories, such as, “I came face-to-face with a bull moose during rutting season,” and, “I occasionally smear a glob of peanut butter on my dog’s nose, just for fun.” Ms. Kost said she had many responses when her profile went online at Match.com.
Ms. Kost, 49, said Mr. Katz was of much help. “It was wonderful for my ego, and I felt I had a pick of the cream of the crop. I ended up having so much interesting stuff in my profile that I had a lot to talk about and write about in e-mails.”
Ms. Kost said she did not meet many men in person, because Mr. Katz had advised her to go through a long screening process with e-mail and phone conversations before an actual date. After three months, Ms. Kost met Stephen Micallef, who, like her, is an engineer. She immediately liked how he spoke of his daughters. “I liked his values,” Ms. Kost said. “He seemed emotionally mature and very open.”
Mr. Micallef, 47, liked the professional photographs of Ms. Kost. And he liked the way her profile captured her essence with details, like how she raced a storm on a sailboat and collected strawberries to make jam. “This was well written. There was thought in it,” he said. “I found her profile to be authentic, sincere and honest, and it was proven out.”
They have dated for eight months and plan to marry.
Mr. Katz said his company has helped thousands of people since it began five years ago. It offers several packages, starting at $49 for a 20-minute consultation and a line-by-line critique of a profile. For $129 to $199, people fill out a questionnaire and spend a half-hour on the phone with a freelance writer, who writes two essays for them. For $1,500, the company interviews clients, writes their profiles, takes professional photographs and coaches them via phone and e-mail about online dating. For $1,000 a month, he coaches them about dating and relationships in general.
But can writing dating profiles for people mask their real personality, giving, for instance, a positive, exciting and more eloquent flair to someone who may be genuinely negative, boring and inarticulate? No, Mr. Katz said. Rather, he said, he simply presents people in their best light.
He compared the process to the extra effort people make on their wedding day. “You want to present yourself at your best,” he said.
JENNY CARGILE, 37, of Denver, who uses Match.com, does not buy into that theory. She said she would never hire someone to improve her dating profile because a more polished profile would not reflect who she truly is. “I’m not a person who is put together or always knows the right thing to say,” she said. “I would feel like if I went out on a date with someone, I would have to be what they read instead of myself.”
Ms. Cargile also said that many people who use online dating services tended to be fairly careless about how they present themselves. She said many profiles she sees on Match.com use blurry or outdated photographs, contain essays riddled with typographical and grammatical errors and rely on general descriptions, like “athletic” or “adventurous.”
Match.com has begun offering free profile and photo tips via an online video with Jay Manuel, of the television show “America’s Next Top Model.” The company also sells services for $2 to $6 a month that offer advice on dating and ways to make profiles and photographs stand out.
Jim Safka, chief executive of Match.com, based in Dallas, says online dating is like being on stage and being viewed by thousands of people. “Wouldn’t you spend some time backstage getting ready?” he asked.
In the Dallas market, Match.com is testing a service called “Match Platinum,” in which professional matchmakers interview clients, coach them on appearance and style and then sift through Match.com’s database of 15 million members to find a compatible date. “We’ve had a tremendous response to it,” said Deborah Robertson, a matchmaker for Match Platinum. Clients pay $500 to $2,000, depending on the level of service.
Such levels of spending and coaching concern at least one dating expert.
“Dating is like a soufflé — it requires a bit of lightness,” said Joy Browne, host of a syndicated radio talk show and author of the recent book “Dating Disasters and How to Avoid Them.” “When you’re forking out thousands of dollars, you’re going to expect a huge return on your investment. That’s not the attitude you should have going into dating.”
But for Ms. Kost, the services were well worth the money. “I felt confident with people,” she said. “It was like I didn’t need to sell myself to these people. They were already sold.”
http://www.timesdaily.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070311/ZNYT01/703110367&cachetime=5
More than 1,500 marriages and counting: Volunteer who officiates weddings for county 'loves' his job.
SAN MARCOS -- After performing more than 1,500 marriages at the county assessor's office over the past two years, Ron Barlow has seen it all, he said Friday.
Some people show up for the wedding day in shorts and flip-flops. On one occasion, a couple wore floral print Hawaiian shirts and asked him to wear one too. Another time, a Marine asked Barlow to turn his back while he kissed his bride.
"And I thought Marines weren't afraid of anything," the 69-year-old volunteer said.
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But the ceremony that really shook him up, he said, was the day a Marine had a another man stand in for him as proxy, marrying his wife for him, as the Marine watched the entire ceremony on the Internet from Iraq.
"That's the whole point, so he can see it done," Barlow said, adding that in California such a ceremony is perfectly legal.
As far as predicting whether marriages will last, Barlow said it's hard to know for sure, but he has the feeling that among those who stand the greatest chances of success are the people who use Internet matchmaking services where couples are tested for compatibility before they even get together.
"I haven't seen a bad one yet," Barlow said. "They seem to be so perfect for each other. There is no equivocation when I say, will you be faithful?"
Barlow said he got the job after he received a letter from San Diego County Health and Human Services' office of Aging and Independent Services. The letter was asking for a volunteer who enjoyed people to perform marriages, "and I said that's me.
"I think I was the only one who volunteered," Barlow said.
He said he loves it when people get emotional during the ceremony, which usually happens when he gets to the part of the ritual where he says, "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish ... "
"I know I've done my job if they cry," Barlow said.
http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2007/05/29/news/top_stories/1_03_545_28_07.txt
The ‘Modern' man
It was a simple exercise. Students in Juilliard's playwriting program were asked to go around the room and say what one topic they found fascinating but thought other people - like, say, a theater audience - would find boring.
As Goldfarb went on to regale his class with funny anecdotes about Orthodox Jewish friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends, he soon realized he wasn't the only one who found the subject fascinating after all. It sparked Goldfarb to write the comedy “Modern Orthodox.” The play, which has received great acclaim off-Broadway, will be presented by the Jewish Community Center's Art & Culture program Oct. 21-Nov. 5.
“Modern Orthodox” started off “being a play about the differences between secular and religious Jews. The humor was blacker,” says Goldfarb, speaking to the CJN from his home in New York City. “But I fell in love with (Orthodox lead character) Herschel while writing it. I could write six plays about him. The play became about commitment and faith. It became more hopeful.”
The playwright, now 33, wrote the first draft of “Modern Orthodox” in 1999. It tells of Ben, a “High Holiday Jew,” who encounters Orthodox diamond dealer Herschel while shopping for an engagement ring. Ben takes an immediate dislike to the tightly wound, blunt, and very religious Herschel; he says he will not buy the diamond unless Herschel removes his yarmulke.
After complying with Ben's demand, Herschel suffers a series of tragic occurrences, including the ending of his own engagement. Herschel shows up on the doorstep of the apartment Ben shares with his girlfriend, the jaded Jewish doctor Hannah, and insists the pair help him find a new bride. He wants them to right the wrong Ben forced upon him.
As Herschel is confronted with Ben and Hannah's modern and more permissive lifestyle, the couple find themselves challenged, at times infuriated, and often moved by Herschel's unshakable faith and adherence to ritual.
Goldfarb acknowledges he's much more of a Ben than a Herschel, yet he flatly rejects the term “secular.”
“I'm really committed to exploring my Jewish identity,” he says, noting that almost all of his other plays have Jewish themes. “I don't go to shul regularly, but I'm not blas' about my Jewishness.”
Goldfarb did very little research to write his play; he simply collected stories from Jewish friends. He did, however, spend quite a bit of time surfing dating websites. At the time Goldfarb first started writing “Modern Orthodox,” JDate and other Jewish matchmaking websites were new fads. “I filled out a profile on JDate as if I were Herschel,” he reveals.
Once interested women started responding, he felt guilty and took “Herschel's” profile down. But, his experience answering Jewish dating questionnaires led to his writing a popular scene in which Ben and Hannah go online to find Herschel a Jewish match.
Goldfarb's parents first took him to see Broadway shows in New York City at age 6. The Toronto native was instantly hooked on the theater and started writing his own short stories “with lots of dialogue.”
He had three one-act plays produced while attending the School of the Arts in Toronto as a drama major, and he knew that playwriting was his calling. He moved to New York at age 19 and attended New York University (NYU) and Juilliard.
After an initial reading at Juilliard, Goldfarb developed “Modern Orthodox” through a series of staged readings, from “just friends of mine doing it” to “fancy” readings featuring stars like Sarah Jessica Parker and Paul Rudd.
The play received its first full performance at the Long Wharf Theatre in New Haven, Conn., in 2000. Then “it took a holiday for three years,” Goldfarb says with a laugh. After several re-writes, including an attempt to adapt it from a play to a movie, “Modern Orthodox” found new life in New York. The play attracted the attention of “American Pie” movie star Jason Biggs and Broadway directing legend James Lapine. It premièred off-Broadway in 2004.
Directed by Lapine, the play starred Biggs as Herschel and '80s film icon Molly Ringwald as Hannah.
“Lightning struck twice,” says Goldfarb. While “Modern Orthodox,” a comedy, was playing on a for-profit stage, another play of his, the naturalistic drama “Sarah, Sarah,” was running in a nonprofit theater. “I felt like I was finally a member of that community I wanted to be a part of my whole life: New York playwrights.”
The success of “Modern Orthodox” landed Goldfarb his next job, co-writing the book of the hit musical “Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me” alongside beloved comedian Martin Short. He's also collaborating on two more musicals and writing (solo) a new original drama, all while teaching play and screenwriting at NYU.
His other new project? Fatherhood. Goldfarb and wife Marianna are expecting their first child in March.
The playwright marvels that his journey has paralleled that of his play's characters. “I wrote ‘Modern Orthodox' single. Then this amazing thing happened - I got engaged right when they decided to produce it. I was in the same place Ben is at the beginning of the play. Three weeks after it opened, I was married. Now, I'm in the same place Ben's in at the end.”
http://www.clevelandjewishnews.com/articles/2006/10/20/features/arts/aarts1020.txt
Online dating skepticism turns into enchantment
If Tanis Cogdell's dial-up Internet didn't take so long to connect, she would have been able to cancel her subscription to eharmony.com. She and David Jamar would never have met, and they wouldn't be getting married June 9
http://www.adn.com/life/weddings/story/8926677p-8826839c.html
But it did, and she didn't, and they did and they are. Welcome to relationships in the 21st century.
Cogdell, 23, grew up in Eagle River. She is pursuing a nursing degree at University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio. When she and a friend saw a TV ad for the online dating site Thanksgiving weekend, the friend dared her to sign up.
"They give you the first week free, so I said, 'whatever.' "
She filled out a "million questions," and prospects began appearing in her e-mail inbox. Cogdell found little to recommend the first candidates, even though eHarmony professed them to be perfect matches for her profile.
"I thought, 'This is stupid.' I tried to cancel it, but my dial-up connection kept timing out."
Then Jamar's profile showed up in the inbox about the end of December.
"The same day I got the match, I responded with "Hey, I'd like to know more about you," said Jamar, 27.
He lives in Marble Hills, Texas, about 80 miles from Cogdell's home in Pipe Creek.
His friends had urged him to sign up with eHarmony a couple months earlier, but he never progressed to meeting any of the candidates.
"I never was one to date a whole lot," he said in a Southern drawl. "I've had a couple previous relationships that lasted a couple months at a time. But I never knew that there was any future with them like I did with Tanis right off the bat."
eHarmony's guided matching service requires all initial contact to be online. Hopefuls first exchange a list of five questions, followed by lists of must-haves and can't-stands, Cogdell said. You can choose at what step in the communication process you want to show someone your picture. Subscribers decide if and when e-mail addresses and phone numbers are shared.
Jamar's and Cogdell's first e-mails tackled the topics of gender roles, politics and activities they hoped their partner would share.
"David's been with the volunteer fire department for five years, so he said he really hoped his partner would share a spirit of volunteering in the community," said Cogdell, who volunteered as a camp counselor and wrangler at Victory Bible Camp, at her church and with a pregnancy crisis center when she lived in Alaska.
Mostly Cogdell was impressed by his honesty.
"He was never afraid to say he believed in one thing or another before knowing that I was on the same page. He wasn't ashamed to tell me that he really wanted in the future when he got married, for his wife to stay at home with the kids. It's not a very mainstream idea. I've had people look at me like I've got a third eye when I tell them I want to marry and be a mother."
When e-mailing became cumbersome ("She writes novels," Jamar said), they moved to six hourlong phone calls.
Jan. 11, two weeks after their first e-mail, they agreed to meet at a diner near Cogdell's home.
"People I work with said, 'Do you have a bailout plan if it's really horrible?' " Cogdell said.
They talked for four hours, then moved to a coffee shop around the corner for three more hours.
"She was more what I was looking for than I realized," Jamar said. "The first time we met, I had a clue she was the one. She was a Christian woman who was really seeking God, and that was a big determining factor."
Their meeting was 21st-century techy, but their courtship was old-fashioned.
Jamar brought pink (her favorite color) daises to the diner. He held the door for her and paid for lunch. He asked her father's permission before he proposed.
It was Valentine's Day, and they were moving rocks in Cogdell's yard when Jamar made his move.
"He's got this big rock in his hand, making hand gestures, and I'm asking for her hand. He told me that he thought I was right for his daughter, and he'd definitely bless our marriage."
Feb. 17, Jamar told Cogdell he'd be late for the delayed Valentine's Day dinner she planned to prepare at his house that night. He said he'd be practicing storm maneuvers at Enchanted Rock State Park, but he and a friend were actually in Austin, picking out an engagement ring.
It wasn't the first time Cogdell had arrived earlier than expected to clean up the house where a lot of his firefighter friends hang out ("I always say, 'This is where the lost boys live,' " Cogdell said) before making dinner.
"I didn't plan to propose for another week," Jamar said. "But I saw she'd been there and slaved over all this just to make me happy."
Knowing he couldn't keep a secret, he told her after dinner that he wasn't at Enchanted Rock that day, he was out buying an enchanted rock.
"He was kind of shaking," Cogdell said, "and drinking Dr Pepper like it was his job." Her nursing experience caused her to wonder if he was ill.
"It was the most emotional thing I ever went through," Jamar said. "We spent the rest of the evening hugging each other and calling friends and family."
They canceled their subscriptions to eHarmony.
"I got lucky and found someone I'm crazy about, but I could have been on there two years," Cogdell said. "It's kind of a crapshoot."
http://www.adn.com/life/weddings/story/8926677p-8826839c.html
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