I was single not too long ago and a part of me still is: when I eventually met and married my husband, I knew I could not allow myself to forget the struggle of dating. I shudder when friends tell me about perfectly mismatched blind dates, vicariously taken aback by how off the mark suggestions can be. Having made three successful matches in my single days, I also could not overlook the matchmakers who tried so hard to get it right. So, I promised myself I would accept that same responsibility when setting up friends and acquaintances - I try very hard to get it right. Here, then, are some of my suggestions - as well as pitfalls I've encountered now that I have dedicated myself to helping others find their match too.
When it comes to setting people up, I light up at the thought of how much these two people have in common, how they are capable of the highest form of intellectual discourse, and alas, what a wonderful marriage it will be. I become exhilarated when I hear about impossible romantic endings that actually panned out in real life. Not so fast!
Matchmaking comes with a price and I'm not talking about the green stuff. When I was only 20 and living with my parents, their friends would kindly suggest matches for me, and I would almost immediately agree to give out my phone number. About 90 dates and three failed relationships into the process, I was living on the Upper West Side often feeling like a has-been at the ridiculously young age of 25. I had either "dated everyone," "met everyone and was everyone's friend" or was seriously "checking into" guys from Brooklyn whose names were mentioned to me.
The matchmaking system had molded me into a Cautious Female Dater, one less inclined to accept a potential date because "it's just a date," and one whose antenna was always up for possible "warning signs." I could have used a more personalized and secure approach when I was dating online, but the options were limited then. At that time, I had my profile on a quite popular dating site and my picture was viewable to all members. I walked to shul on Shabbat slightly paranoid, half expecting someone to point to me and say: "Ha ha, I saw your cheesecake picture online!" To the contrary, through sawyouatsinai.com for whom I am now a matchmaker, singles pick their personal matchmakers who only show profiles and pictures to potential matches and are not available for public viewing.
As I try my hand at matchmaking, I employ a personalized approach: I suggest meeting with singles face-to-face before setting them up, to get a better feel for whom they truly are offline and what they are looking for. When I think back to my own experiences with matchmakers, I remember the one whose approach really irked me. By not getting back to me to let me know where things stood, I felt she had rejected me. As a matchmaker, I always follow up (appropriately, not in an in-your-face manner) because it is an essential part of my job.
In all aspects of life and not just with matchmaking, I try to be extremely tactful and avoid bluntness to the point of hurtfulness. Shockingly, this approach is not shared by all of my contemporaries and I have heard shadchanim say "you are not his look"or "perhaps you should try to lose a few pounds." I am the first to suggest eye-catching, yet modest outfits that will elicit appropriate interest from my friends' dates. But, matchmaking is not a series of Extreme Makeovers and we are not personal trainers, hair gurus or fashionistas.
We are agents who act on behalf of singles to find their most ideal matches. We try our best and that is our promise to singles as mothers, fathers, homemakers, career people and otherwise active individuals who remember life before marriage and frustrations in dating. Because we can empathize, we hope to make a difference.
Shira Hirschman Weiss is a matchmaker for SawYouAtSinai, a writer and a PR Consultant. SawYouAtSinai.com: The only screened, discreet dating site with over 5,000 singles and 130 matchmakers! In just 8 months, hundreds are dating, 9 couples are engaged and 2 are married.
http://www.ocweb.org/index.php/singles/articles/matchmaking_101_by_shira_hirschman_weiss/
